(The following is a page out of my journal)
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls. (Mt. 11:28)
There seems to be a place of peace and rest that I do not seem to stay at very long. I consider myself to be fairly surrendered. I trust You completely... well, maybe just in certain areas.
It seems easy to trust You in the really big things in life, those things that are pretty much out of my control, So why do I still feel unrest in my soul? Why do I strive and strive? Why does my mind go a million miles an hour? Why do I feel the need to figure everything out? To constantly battle the uncertainty of next week, or next month?
I seem to think I trust you with everything. But you know what? I don't think I do. Maybe a hundred times in any given day I give way to fretting, trying to figure something out, needing to know, NOW! It is a constant underlying, sometimes subtle, sometimes not, anxiety deep within.
No wonder I struggle to maintain joy. It's no wonder I'm edgy and snap when interrupted. I'm probably deep in thought and anxiety trying to figure out my next move, or trying to solve some future problem.
It's like my fretting, anxiety-producing overthinking, causes cracks in this vessel, and the joy, peace, rest and calm just oozes right out! I get all filled up, think right thoughts, cast burdens, and not two steps into my day I am taking on something I shouldn't. There it goes, I hear a little crack. Something comes across my path I just need to figure out NOW. . . crack. A thought about what I am going to do about "xyz" next week . . . crack. Are we on the right path? Crack!
This feels like what I call 'Christianity 101'. Something that seems so foundational, it seems I should know this by now.
I deceive myself when I think that just because I am at a place of trust and peace with what I consider the 'big' things, yet live almost daily with angst and fretting.
This seems huge to me. I seem to have lost my peace lately. I feel as I sit here and meditate on this thatYou reveal one thought after another, like a movie playing. I foolishly take on these thoughts myself instead of joyfully resting and trusting You to order my steps, to lead and guide, to take care of my every need. I am utterly inferior at figuring all this out. You are my Father, You know what is best.