What Do You Do . . .

This could be about someone in your life, while it is very specific to my own struggles, I bet you can relate in some way.

What do you do when someone lies to you for years and doesn’t seem to care and never truly repents?

What do you do when your heart has been broken so many times, you really don’t trust anymore? While you know it is not right, you can’t help but be cynical.

What do you do when the anger wells up deep in your gut, it feels like a lead balloon that makes its way up to your throat. You try to hold it back, you shake your head, pleading for mercy, hoping you can just stuff it down one more time.

What do you do when the tears won’t stop? It’s the middle of the night, alone in your bed. You are sitting up, hugging knees to chest, rocking back and forth and with deep sobs. You can hardly breathe, head feels like it might explode. You beg and plead for God to intercede. Does He hear a mama’s heart? Really?

What do you do when the pain in your heart is physical? It’s an ache so deep you just want to rip it out and make it go away.

What do you do when your husband’s heart is breaking as much as yours and all you can do is weep in each other’s arms until there is nothing left?

What do you do when your children come to you, confused with their own pain and anger too? When you have to hold them and try to make sense of the whole thing.

What do you do when you see no repentance, no fruit? The carefree posts on Facebook or lighthearted conversations that take place, all the while you want to scream, “WHY AREN’T YOU DOING SOMETHING ABOUT . . . “

What do you do when you gently encourage and try to help and speak up to no avail?

What do you do when you keep quiet and let them sort it out and see nothing change?

What do you do when you pray and pray and pray and nothing seems to change? You realize this has been going on for years, same story, same song and dance, same pain. Oh, life goes on, you get distracted, even wonder if things have changed. Nope, something always snaps you back to reality. Nothing has changed.

What do you do when you wonder, is this a pain I will carry to my grave? Will I watch this perpetuate for generations?

What do you do when you want to accuse and blame God? I know this is not the answer, but the temptation is great, isn’t it? You want to ask WHY? Why aren’t you doing anything? I fail sometimes.

What do you do? Honestly, I’m not sure I know anymore. Completely powerless. Completely and utterly powerless to change the situation.

What do you do? I don’t know, except to continue to surrender, to cry out, to pray, to believe when nothing in me believes. Help thou my unbelief, Lord. To hope in His faithfulness. To trust in the goodness of the Lord when I ‘see’ no goodness in the situation.

I will say to God my Rock,
“Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
 As with a breaking of my bones,
My enemies reproach me,
While they say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

Psalm 42:9-11

It's Official

Well, today my oldest son got married. Neither sets of parents were there. Though I tried, I walked up to see the end of the 'ceremony' from 50 yards away and could not follow through on my desire to put my emotions aside and show support. Brian was out of town on a trip he could not change. (he only had two days notice about the wedding) Her parents were un-invited just minutes before the 'ceremony.' The circumstances were far less than ideal. Mamas and Papas cried, sad tears. Hearts were broken once again. Little ones who struggle to make sense of sin and its consequences need comfort and words of wisdom. (from a sorrowful mama, no less) Older ones wrestle with bitterness, heartache and confusion.

Sorry to unload and invite you to my rather small pity party ;-) I thank you so much for your prayers today. I sensed the Lord's strength and grace to stay out of the pit. I was able to feel the emotions yet not let them overwhelm me. Brian had to stay out of town overnight, so our hearts are heavy that we are apart. But, we have the Lord to comfort and I have my eight other blessings to love on and to comfort me! I am blessed. Oh, and I have 30 more pages to read in my bible! No time for wallowing in the pit!

I feel Him picking me up and 'training my hands for war' as we battle in the heavenlies for our son and new daughter (whom we already love as a daughter, btw, which makes it doubly painful)

Come back tomorrow, I have a thought provoking question for you! Love to all!

A Hurting Heart

I wonder, does everyone have one? You know, a place deep in their hearts where there is pain. Pain that brings the tears flowing. A little place, thought it doesn't seem so little some days, that resurfaces every now and again bringing tears and pain.

It seems like the years just drift by. Will my heart's cry to see ALL my children walking in the Truth ever be answered? I have to believe it will. It is easier to be frustrated, almost angry at him for the choices he makes. But what about when the heart goes all soft and you can't keep up the hard shell? Then what? What about when you can't keep yourself and your mind busy with the day to day, and compassion and sadness spill out of you?

What do you do with the pain when you see him struggle because of past choices? Even now, if he desires to change, it seems so overwhelming. Watching life, and sin, and the enemy, and the horrible choices beat up on him, that is simply too much today.

But now, I see not only the pain in his heart, but his little son too?! A little boy, just about two, crying for daddy. The daddy he only sees once a week or so. "This is not how it is supposed to be!!!", I scream from deep within my heart. Nothing stops the tears, no matter how many times I tell it to stop. No matter how many times I choose prayer over emotion. Nope, hearing that little boy cry out for daddy in his own sweet little voice, that it what puts me over. He didn't choose this!

One thing is for sure, sin always causes heartache. First to our Father's heart and then to others. Sometimes we have no idea who our sinful choices are going to hurt.

So, I wonder, what can I do with this pain? I remember something I read long ago, not sure by who. 'Offer this pain to Him as a gift, as a sacrifice'. Don't try to cry the pain away. Don't let it eat me up. No, bring it to His feet. Bow before Him saying, 'Behold, the handmaiden of the Lord'. You and I Jesus, we can carry this pain. One day, You will make all things right. Until then, I know that young man who struggles to find his way, and that little boy crying, 'daddy', and my hurting heart are in Your hands.

"Gather my limping one, O Father. Gather him in and reverse his captivity. You are good and faithful. You do ALL things well, in this I rest today, at Your feet, trusting You."

I will gather those belonging to you . . .Behold, at that time I will deal with all those who afflict you; I will save the limping [ones] and gather the outcasts and will make them a praise and a name in every land of their shame. At that time I will bring you in; yes, at that time I will gather you, for I will make you a name and a praise among all the nations of the earth when I reverse your captivity before your eyes, says the Lord. (Zeph. 3:18-20)

Tears On the Windows

One last thing I wanted to share concerning Beracah. I feel the need to move on, as these past few days have been very emotional. Yesterday was very difficult, physically and emotionally. Bearing one another's burdens can be very sad. What a privilege to read about and pray for all the women who have lost babies and have/are grieving. Story after story told of God's faithfulness and mercy! Thank you all who took part in this special time. Below is something I wrote the day after we found out our baby died. Also, below is a sweet poem my 13 year old daughter wrote.

The rain rarely comes from this direction.
It seems odd to walk into my room and see the raindrops hitting the window.

They run down like the tears on my face.

I see the beautiful plant your papa bought for me.

The flowers are so strikingly vivid; oranges, yellows, and a distinct lime green middle.

It sits there right in front of the window that seems to be crying with me.

I don’t know why it stops me in my tracks. I try to take a picture;

I doubt it captures what I see, or what I want it to say.
I think my heart desperately wants to find something,

anything, to somehow mark your short existence here on earth.

I didn’t even really know you were there until you were gone.

How can you miss something you didn’t even know existed?

For now, I don’t want the rain to stop,

I don’t want the tears to stop,

I want to hold this sadness, just a little longer,

it feels like it’s all I have left of you.

Fifteen

Six they are in heaven
Nine down here on earth;
Six up in heaven
They died before their birth.

Jeremiah and Ephraim, two little boys
Baby B the twin,
He left without a noise.

Two they have no name,
One more is left you see,
It’s name is little Blessing
He is on God’s knee.

Though nine be here on earth,
Six more in heaven unseen,
Though only nine right here there be,
Of us there are fifteen.

(By Victoria)

Sorrowful Yet Rejoicing

(Please feel free to link up to Mr. Linky at the end of the post, or leave a comment with your story.)

How is this possible?

It seems so contradictory to be so sorrowful, full of sorrow, yet to also be rejoicing.
I am so sad that I won’t get to love on this baby in this world.

I won’t get to see this baby grow like I have nine of my other children.

I’m sad I didn’t even know I was carrying this baby.

I missed being able to be surprised and excited when the test was positive.

The wonder of it all.

The giddy feeling that both Brian and I feel at the prospect of having another baby.

The sheer fun of telling the children; telling others and seeing their shock,

secretly enjoying giving them a jolt and provoking the question ‘how many is this?’

Sad I won’t experience a wonderfully unique birth experience orchestrated by my Father.

Sad because He has put such a strong desire in my heart to have another baby,

and feeling like this one slipped away without even me knowing it.

Sad because when people see our family and do the inevitable head count, they won’t know that there are six more little ones that have a piece of our heart.

Sad because I didn’t hold my belly and whisper words of love.

I am surprised by the joy I feel, amidst this sorrow.

I rejoice that God chose my womb, once again to carry a life. I rejoice, even though I won’t meet this child here on earth, because this baby is in heaven with Jesus already.

I rejoice and sing over this little one just as I did my other children. This baby is no less precious to me than the nine I have held and the five other babies I never got to hold.

I rejoice, because I believe with all my heart that the Father has a special purpose for this baby’s life, no matter how short. I know, for some reason, possibly many, He formed this little one in me for those ten weeks.

I rejoice, because He chose me to be this baby’s mama. I rejoice in His love. I rejoice in His mercy and grace to carry me. I rejoice because He chose this sorrow for me. I rejoice because even sorrow is a treasure, filled with gifts unknown.

I rejoice that Brian and I can share in this sorrow together; it only glorifies and beautifies the oneness we share. I rejoice at the godly seed produced from God having made us ‘one’.

These tears seem to fall so frequently and it is hard to tell their origin. I think if you could somehow dissect each one, you would see that both sorrow and joy are their cause/origin equally. Yes, that is what it is, sorrow AND joy mingled together in each and every tear that falls.

We remember . . .

Baby B, the twin to our third born son.

A sweet baby we lost just after six weeks of knowing about you.

A precious life lost from an ectopic pregnancy.

Jeremiah, the baby I lost at seventeen weeks of pregnancy. We were so shocked and hurt, but we grew so much.

Ephraim, another baby lost at seventeen weeks. This time we were so devastated, but in one morning Jesus healed my heart. We went on to deliver him in a room filled with grace so thick you could feel it, really. The Lord gave us this name because of its meaning, we believe. It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering. (Genesis 41:52) He has indeed made us fruitful in the land of our suffering, we went on to have four more precious children in six years after this.

Beracah, the baby we just lost, whose name means blessing. I asked the Lord to name this baby as He has all our other children. Just the other day, He gave us this name. It was used in 2 Chronicles 20 in the context of the Valley of Beracah (Blessing) This has definitely been a Valley of Blessing in our lives.

Six babies waiting for us in heaven!

Let's Remember Our Babies

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I just found out about this yesterday. I already was planning on posting some things that have been on my heart in light of our latest loss.

When I realized how many of the readers of 'She Looketh Well' have lost babies to miscarriage, I thought it would be a neat idea to provide a place to share your loss and together we can pray for each other, praise our God, and remember these precious souls that are now in the arms of Jesus.

If you would like to join in, please feel free to post on your blog about your experience and then link up to Mr. Linky. Remember, it does not need to be some elaborate post, just share your heart and/or your experience. Something as simple as, how far along you were, due dates, names, anything you want it to be. If you would rather just leave the information in the comment section, that is fine too. I know myself, as well as the other women, would cherish the opportunity to pray for you and praise God for the life of your little one(s).

Also, I would like to recommend a book that I love and that ministered to me in a great way. I read this book about a month ago and was stunned by how amazing our God is, and how merciful and comforting He is.

It is called, In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me. It is by a sweet 'blog friend' of mine, Lynnette Kraft from Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground. Her testimony of severe heartache and God's love and mercy will touch your heart deeply. If you have ever experienced heartache or know someone who has, you will not be disappointed by this book, I promise you. Once I started reading, I could not put it down. She shares with raw, honest emotion the depths to which her heart was plunged, but, she also shares the awesomeness of our God, His faithfulness, and His love. If you page down her blog, on the right side is a place to order a signed copy of her book. Please check it out. Also, on the left side of her blog are pictures of her sweet family, including Samuel, Josiah and Anna, all who are dancing with Jesus.

The song below has ministered to me greatly these past few weeks. I hope you are ministered to also. He will carry you.

Please consider joining us tomorrow to remember. If you know of someone who might want to join in, please let them know.

I Didn't Even Know

It was a complete surprise to us,

we didn’t even know about you until you were gone.

We want you to know that we love you just the same.

We rejoiced the day we knew that you were growing in my womb.

You had been in there for ten weeks, all while we didn’t even know.

The day we rejoiced is also the day we cried.

The day we found out that,

while your tiny little body was still in my womb,

your precious spirit was already in the arms of Jesus.

How very blessed you are to be with Him already.

How very blessed we are to know that you are there.

You will never know pain or fear, only love and joy, perfectly.

For this we rejoice!
What a privilege and honor to have carried you for those weeks,

even if I didn’t know.

I know with all my heart that my Father,

and yours, has a beautiful and grand purpose for your life,

no matter how short here on earth!

While I would love to hold you, smell you, kiss you and nurse you,

I trust you to the Lord.
And the day I meet you will be glorious indeed.

I was deeply touched by all the sweet and comforting comments,

thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I was struck by how many of my readers have lost babies or children. I suspect the percentage is extremely high. This got me thinking. Until Stacie mentioned it, I did not know that there was an actual day set aside to remember and honor our precious ones that have gone before us to glory . (October 15) In light of that, I had the thought to join our hearts together in remembrance and praise for our little ones. I have a post planned for tomorrow (10/15/09) called, "Sorrowful, Yet Rejoicing" and would like to put Mr. Linky up again and invite each of you who have lost a baby or a child to share in a post on your blog something about your little one(s). It doesn't have to be elaborate or fancy, it could even be as simple as mentioning your loss.

I picture going to each of the blogs and quietly praising God for each one of the 'glory babies' and praying for each of the women. How beautiful and powerful to have our hearts joined in this gift of motherhood and sorrow. What do you think, will you join me in remembering and honoring their lives as well as praising our God for His faithfulness to each of us?

I wonder how many women out there are still hurting, feeling alone and need to be lifted up to our Savior.

Sad News . . .

I wanted to wait until after the party to share some sad news with you. Last Thursday, in about a 2 1/2 hour time frame, we found out that I was 10-12 weeks pregnant, that the baby had died, and I delivered him/her. It was quite shocking to us and we were, and are at times stunned.

I was spotting off and on for about a week and a half, which we thought was my cycle starting up again, as they had stopped in the middle of this adrenal exhaustion, or so we thought. I did take a pregnancy test in August, which was negative. According to how far along I was, it should have been positive. (I have never had a false negative pregnancy test, and I have taken a ton ;-)

Thursday morning I was on my way to the grocery store when I had a strong urge to go to the bathroom. (We also thought I had been dealing with a bladder infection during this time) I went and was still uncomfortable, but proceeded with what I needed to get. About 4 aisles over, the pain, which felt like my bladder, got pretty bad and I thought I should probably go home. At that time, I felt a huge pop and preceded to bleed everywhere. For some reason I thought maybe I passed a kidney stone, which I supposedly have. I made a beeline for the back bathroom, leaving a trail behind me. Not one of the more glorious moments of being a woman. ;-)

I was able to have cellphone reception, (which is usually sketchy, at best, in this store) and called my dear husband. He came and bought me pads and underwear. Thank God I had a skirt on, pants would have been a nightmare. We left the store after several trips back to the bathroom, as I was bleeding profusely.

On the way home, it hit me that the 'pop' I felt was just like what I felt with my 7th child, the only other one with whom my water broke. And then I realized that the 'blood trail' looked watered down. The shock of realizing that I must have been pregnant was, well, shocking.

We got home and because the bleeding was so bad, we called my midwife, who instructed us to come in and she would check me and run some tests. When we got there, she examined me and found that the baby had already started to deliver, she just helped it along. She cried with us. She has been such a big part of the birth of our last five baby's births.

After some blood work, we went home to rest. As I lie there trying to rest with my mind swirling with prayers and questions, one thing welled up in my heart so big. I believe this baby was a gift from God. I also believe He gave me the gift of joy that afternoon. You see, I realized that each and every pregnancy in the past was greatly rejoiced over and I was determined, by His grace, that this was not going to be any different! I chose right then and there to rejoice over this precious little one, even though this baby had died. I rejoiced in the fact that God chose me to carry this little one, if only for a short time. I believe this joy was a gift from Him, there is no way a women in my condition physically and emotionally could do that in her own strength, trust me. He is so amazing and kind to give joy to a confused and grieving mama. I guess you can truly say that He has 'made me a joyful mother of children'. I am humbled and marvel at His love for me.

Even now as I type this out it seems so unbelievable to me. How does a woman who has been pregnant 14 times previous to this not know she was pregnant? The negative pregnancy test and the extreme extenuating health circumstances played a huge part, I know. We also believe, for some reason, I was not meant to know about this until that day. Where we don't understand, we can only trust.

I have a few posts that I will put up in the coming days that the Lord put on my heart as I was grieving. I hope you will permit me to share my heart through the grieving.

We are doing amazingly well, considering the circumstances. A testimony to the grace of our God and the prayers of the faithful. We continue to go in and out of sorrow, but there is much rejoicing. I will share more on that in another post.

It's the Same Grace

My heart breaks to see this child make the choices he does. Choices that not only hurt my heart, but also must grieve his Father in heaven. I can so easily get caught up in the pain, the fears and the doubts. It is so easy to lose sight of the Truth when you are drowning in your own tears... 

Then I hear a faint whisper... 

“It’s the same Grace”. 

I stop the crying a moment as I try to discern what I am hearing. Over and over again I hear...  

“It's the same Grace”

“It's the same Grace.”

I look back some twenty plus years ago and see a very young woman desperate for love. She is living a Godless, sinful, selfish, and broken life. 

On the outside she is tough, on the inside, a frightened, empty little girl. For all of her twenty short years she has lived a rough life and her heart has been broken and crushed. 

When  I  look at this girl, not knowing the rest of the story, it seems utterly hopeless that she would ever serve the living God. Circumstances of life have only seemingly driven her farther from God.  The odds are certainly stacked against her.

Fast forward some twenty-two years.  Would you have  guessed she would be a happily married woman striving to be a Godly wife? A mama to nine children, doing her best to teach and train them in the things of the very God she never even knew?  A keeper of the home and perfectly content in this calling? A woman, who is certainly far from perfect, and even carries a few scars from the past, but oh how she loves Jesus. She no longer craves for love and acceptance, now she strives to know her God, to become  more and more in love with Him. To live a life worthy of being called His own. 

She desires to love and serve Him with all her heart, soul, mind and strength.

This same girl who before didn’t even give Him the time of day, now has her whole life, every aspect of it, colored by Him.

What was it? 

What made the change? 

Did she finally get her act together? 

Did she just start making the right choices?

GRACE, Gods amazing and marvelous grace!

That same Grace that changed Saul, the self proclaimed persecutor and destroyer of the Church of God, to Paul, who God revealed His Son in, so that he might preach Christ among the Gentiles.  The bond-servant and prisoner for Christ.  The man who penned at least thirteen books of our beloved Holy Bible. 

That same Grace that changed a promiscuous, filthy-mouthed sailor and an atheist, John Newton, to a sympathizing pastor, and well known hymn writer.  Writer of the very popular “Amazing Grace”

That same Grace that took a ‘boy of sixteen, already a liar and thief, a swindler and a drunkard’ to the man, George Mueller.  The man who lived his life literally depending on God to supply his every need!

The stories of lives forever changed by this same Grace are endless!

So dear mama, dry your tears, it is that same, amazing, powerful grace that will bring your child back to My arms. 

Trust Me,

 “It’s the same grace.”

Thus says the Lord: Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord; and [your children] shall return from the enemy's land.

    And there is hope for your future, says the Lord; your children shall come back to their own country. (Jeremiah 31:16-17)