Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sad News . . .

I wanted to wait until after the party to share some sad news with you. Last Thursday, in about a 2 1/2 hour time frame, we found out that I was 10-12 weeks pregnant, that the baby had died, and I delivered him/her. It was quite shocking to us and we were, and are at times stunned.

I was spotting off and on for about a week and a half, which we thought was my cycle starting up again, as they had stopped in the middle of this adrenal exhaustion, or so we thought. I did take a pregnancy test in August, which was negative. According to how far along I was, it should have been positive. (I have never had a false negative pregnancy test, and I have taken a ton ;-)

Thursday morning I was on my way to the grocery store when I had a strong urge to go to the bathroom. (We also thought I had been dealing with a bladder infection during this time) I went and was still uncomfortable, but proceeded with what I needed to get. About 4 aisles over, the pain, which felt like my bladder, got pretty bad and I thought I should probably go home. At that time, I felt a huge pop and preceded to bleed everywhere. For some reason I thought maybe I passed a kidney stone, which I supposedly have. I made a beeline for the back bathroom, leaving a trail behind me. Not one of the more glorious moments of being a woman. ;-)

I was able to have cellphone reception, (which is usually sketchy, at best, in this store) and called my dear husband. He came and bought me pads and underwear. Thank God I had a skirt on, pants would have been a nightmare. We left the store after several trips back to the bathroom, as I was bleeding profusely.

On the way home, it hit me that the 'pop' I felt was just like what I felt with my 7th child, the only other one with whom my water broke. And then I realized that the 'blood trail' looked watered down. The shock of realizing that I must have been pregnant was, well, shocking.

We got home and because the bleeding was so bad, we called my midwife, who instructed us to come in and she would check me and run some tests. When we got there, she examined me and found that the baby had already started to deliver, she just helped it along. She cried with us. She has been such a big part of the birth of our last five baby's births.

After some blood work, we went home to rest. As I lie there trying to rest with my mind swirling with prayers and questions, one thing welled up in my heart so big. I believe this baby was a gift from God. I also believe He gave me the gift of joy that afternoon. You see, I realized that each and every pregnancy in the past was greatly rejoiced over and I was determined, by His grace, that this was not going to be any different! I chose right then and there to rejoice over this precious little one, even though this baby had died. I rejoiced in the fact that God chose me to carry this little one, if only for a short time. I believe this joy was a gift from Him, there is no way a women in my condition physically and emotionally could do that in her own strength, trust me. He is so amazing and kind to give joy to a confused and grieving mama. I guess you can truly say that He has 'made me a joyful mother of children'. I am humbled and marvel at His love for me.

Even now as I type this out it seems so unbelievable to me. How does a woman who has been pregnant 14 times previous to this not know she was pregnant? The negative pregnancy test and the extreme extenuating health circumstances played a huge part, I know. We also believe, for some reason, I was not meant to know about this until that day. Where we don't understand, we can only trust.

I have a few posts that I will put up in the coming days that the Lord put on my heart as I was grieving. I hope you will permit me to share my heart through the grieving.

We are doing amazingly well, considering the circumstances. A testimony to the grace of our God and the prayers of the faithful. We continue to go in and out of sorrow, but there is much rejoicing. I will share more on that in another post.


autumn said...

I am so sorry for your loss. May God wrap his arms around you and your family.

I have lost two babies to miscarriage, God grant you peace

Mrs. June Fuentes said...

Dear Michelle,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and how it had to take place. I pray that the Lord will comfort and heal you and your family during this time. It is hard at times to understand why the Lord allows these things to happen, but good to see you still praising Him. We had a miscarriage before too.

Our prayers are with your family.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and He binds up their wounds."

hip chick said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I am glad to know that you see the Lord's hand in this and that even when we don't understand why things happen to us, all happens for good.

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Michelle, I have been praying for you and your family and I will continue to do so. Please know that you are on my heart and in my thoughts.

Colored With Memories said...

i am so sorry to read this michelle...and especially the way it played out. it is obvious that you have (and are) handling the whole situation with absolute grace.

hugs and prayers to you and your family...and yes, please share those posts with us!

J said...

Oh Michelle,
My heart is heavy for you this morning. I am so sad to hear this. That is so hard. I am thankful that God has given you the ability to rejoice in the midst. I pray He will draw your heart to His own and give you and your family peace. May He comfort you as only He can. May He turn your eyes heavenward and remind you of how precious you are to our heavenly Father.

Gloria said...

I am sorry that you have had to walk through this valley. God is so faithful and it is good you are resting in Him. My prayers are with you and your family.

Farmgirl Cyn said...

Dear Michelle...How I wish I had known sooner. Meals and prayers would have been sent...a small thing,I know, but please know I am here if you EVER need me.


Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

This part of mothering stinks. But you are doing really well with it. I have two "glory babies" myself. I lost one at a 12 weeks and another at 4 weeks. It was so hard, but I did feel God carrying me through it. You sound like you are handling it well as you lean on the Lord to sustain you.

I'm very sorry, but I thank you for sharing this with us. October 15 is "infant loss awareness day". We, who have lost children are to do something to remember them. I plan on lighting a candle and pray for other grieving women.

The Lord always had the number eight in our minds when it came to children. After having six, due to my health problems we are probably done. I asked God, "Why did we always have eight on our hearts?" He gently reminded me that he did give me eight children, only two are with Him. What a testimony that God values life even at the earliest of stages. Thank you, Lord!

The Lord bless you and keep you as you work through this. My prayers are with you, Michelle and the rest of the family.


SimpleMommy said...

I am so sorry. I have lost babies to miscarriage, and I know the grieving. I, too, know that there is a reason, although I didn't/don't know what it is. I have since had 2 more children.

You are in my thoughts. Long time rss reader, don't think I've commented until this last party.

Jena said...

God Bless You and your family.

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

I am so terribly sorry. Your choice to praise God despite these awful circumstances is so inspiring. I'm so glad you are taking some time to grieve this baby. Everyone baby is precious whether it makes it safely into this world or not. Please know you and your family are in my prayers.

God Bless,

bookflutterby said...

Even though we've never met in person, this post made me cry. I will be praying for you and your family- and I hope you'll remember that Jesus also prays for us! It's so hard sometimes when you just can't see the bigger picture and want to know 'why'. Sending Jesus prayers and sending you loads of cyber hugs;

Vicki said...

May God continue to be with you. Praying for your family....

nikki101076 said...

Take all the time you need t grieve and take it easy. I know it felt like I had a ton of weight put on me after my miscarriage not too long ago.I now realize that was God weighing me down so I could grieve like I should.I literally couldn't move for a week. Praying for you and your family.
Many blessings,

Angela said...

As I was reading all the other posts of mother's of angels, I felt like we were in a club. A union of mom's who have so much to go to heaven for. More than some can ever understand.

Ellen said...

Praying for you through this time Michelle...I am so sorry.

Linda Stubbs said...

Michelle, I am so sorry I couldn't write you yesterday. I am so sad for you and your precious family. You will be in my prayers. It is so hard to loose a baby your heart must be breaking. I know that the Lord will be so close to you in this time. Is. 61, promises me that He is close to the brokenhearted. Praying for your heart to be encouraged by all the ladies that love you.

Christa said...

Thank you for sharing with us all. I will be praying for the Lord to continue giving you the comfort and assurance He's already shown you.


Linda said...

Michelle, I was so sorry to hear of your loss. I know that your hearts are heavy over the loss of your little one. You have been through a lot lately.

May God wrap His loving arms around you and give you peace.

I will pray for you sweet friend.

Linda @ Truthful Tidbits

Camille said...

Praying for you dear friend! "Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..." Hebrews 12:2 and if you can...meditate on verses 1 to 3...such an encouragement! I also love the hymn "Day by Day"...
With Love,

Mary at Civilla's Cyber Cafe said...

Oh, that is really sad, especially after all the health problems you have been having. I'm so sorry to hear this.

Gombojav Tribe said...

I'm weeping with you. I'm so glad that the Lord gave you the gift of joy! But, I also know that it still hurts a lot.

May the comfort of the Lord be around you, in you, and hold you tightly.


sarah said...

God bless you and your family...may the grace of God wrap you snugly into the Father's arms today and all days.

busymomof10 said...

Precious Michelle,

My heart hurts with yours at this unexpected gift/loss. What a lot of emotions you had to sort through in a short amount of time! I'm so glad that God has given you the gift of Joy and Rejoicing, knowing that His Ways are Not Our Ways, but are absolutely Perfect!

Obviously, your body was not strong enough to nurture a child at this time, even though I know you would have willingly sacrificed yourself to do so, and with great Joy! Your love of children, your faith, your Joy in the midst of great sorrow, are all a Great Testimony and Inspiration to all of us!!

We are grateful for the privilege of walking this road with you and lifting you up to our Heavenly Father during this time!

I have also had 2 miscarriages, and one was similar to yours, except that I had just stepped out of the van onto my Mom's driveway when the GUSH started! Wow -- I never expected a miscarriage to be so traumatic! What an adventure for you to have that happen in a store! The Lord does like to keep us humble!!!! :)

Love you girl! Take care of yourself!


Lynnette Kraft said...

I'm continuing to pray for you and am just so sorry for your family. What a trauma - all of that happening in the store - you poor thing!!!

Again, I'm so glad that you are leaning on the arms of our loving Saviour - that baby is indeed a gift who you will spend eternity with.


Amanda Sikes said...

Praying for you during this time off lose. Hang tightly to Jesus and He will carry you through.

Praising God for another little life. However short, each life is a blessing.

We love you and your family and are praying for you.

Joyfulmomofmany said...


Oh my, I just checked your blog and saw your news. I too have had several miscarriages... one at 17 weeks, so I know the heartache and, thankfully, God's sufficiency in the midst of our grief. Praying that His mercy will be *tangible* to you and your family too.

Anonymous said...

Michelle, I also know the sadness of a miscarriage and my heart aches for you. I'm so thankful that God has given you His peace and His joy to see you through this time. You and your family are in my prayers and I hope that you will write to me if you ever need anything, if you ever just want to talk or vent or if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be here. In Jesus name, may God recompense you seven fold and may He continue to keep you in the shelter of His love and grace.

Fruitful Harvest said...

Thanks for sharing your story~

You will be in me thoughts and prayers today!


(I came over from Amy's Raising Arrows blog)

Corri Beth said...

I just found your blog, but I still wanted to say I'm sorry. I, too, have suffered the loss of a pregnancy - one diagnosed, and two others we are pretty sure about that were never confirmed. But rest assured those babies are safe and happy with our Lord, and we will see them at last one day!