Thursday, October 15, 2009

Sorrowful Yet Rejoicing

(Please feel free to link up to Mr. Linky at the end of the post, or leave a comment with your story.)

How is this possible?

It seems so contradictory to be so sorrowful, full of sorrow, yet to also be rejoicing.
I am so sad that I won’t get to love on this baby in this world.
I won’t get to see this baby grow like I have nine of my other children.

I’m sad I didn’t even know I was carrying this baby.
I missed being able to be surprised and excited when the test was positive.

The wonder of it all.
The giddy feeling that both Brian and I feel at the prospect of having another baby.

The sheer fun of telling the children; telling others and seeing their shock,

secretly enjoying giving them a jolt and provoking the question ‘how many is this?’

Sad I won’t experience a wonderfully unique birth experience orchestrated by my Father.

Sad because He has put such a strong desire in my heart to have another baby,

and feeling like this one slipped away without even me knowing it.

Sad because when people see our family and do the inevitable head count, they won’t know that there are six more little ones that have a piece of our heart.

Sad because I didn’t hold my belly and whisper words of love.

I am surprised by the joy I feel, amidst this sorrow.

I rejoice that God chose my womb, once again to carry a life. I rejoice, even though I won’t meet this child here on earth, because this baby is in heaven with Jesus already.

I rejoice and sing over this little one just as I did my other children. This baby is no less precious to me than the nine I have held and the five other babies I never got to hold.

I rejoice, because I believe with all my heart that the Father has a special purpose for this baby’s life, no matter how short. I know, for some reason, possibly many, He formed this little one in me for those ten weeks.

I rejoice, because He chose me to be this baby’s mama. I rejoice in His love. I rejoice in His mercy and grace to carry me. I rejoice because He chose this sorrow for me. I rejoice because even sorrow is a treasure, filled with gifts unknown.

I rejoice that Brian and I can share in this sorrow together; it only glorifies and beautifies the oneness we share. I rejoice at the godly seed produced from God having made us ‘one’.

These tears seem to fall so frequently and it is hard to tell their origin. I think if you could somehow dissect each one, you would see that both sorrow and joy are their cause/origin equally. Yes, that is what it is, sorrow AND joy mingled together in each and every tear that falls.

We remember . . .

Baby B, the twin to our third born son.

A sweet baby we lost just after six weeks of knowing about you.

A precious life lost from an ectopic pregnancy.

Jeremiah, the baby I lost at seventeen weeks of pregnancy. We were so shocked and hurt, but we grew so much.

Ephraim, another baby lost at seventeen weeks. This time we were so devastated, but in one morning Jesus healed my heart. We went on to deliver him in a room filled with grace so thick you could feel it, really. The Lord gave us this name because of its meaning, we believe. It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering. (Genesis 41:52) He has indeed made us fruitful in the land of our suffering, we went on to have four more precious children in six years after this.

Beracah, the baby we just lost, whose name means blessing. I asked the Lord to name this baby as He has all our other children. Just the other day, He gave us this name. It was used in 2 Chronicles 20 in the context of the Valley of Beracah (Blessing) This has definitely been a Valley of Blessing in our lives.

Six babies waiting for us in heaven!


Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

What a lovely tribute to your "Glory Babies"!

Bless your heart. I have posted my story as well.

I've never written anything on my blog about my miscarriages. It was interesting to think through it and remember my journey again.

Michelle (She Looketh Well) said...

This is from Linda Stubbs

I am 57, the mother of 5, 2 in heaven. I will just tell a little bit of what the Lord did for us. It was about 23 years ago. I was loosing the 2nd baby. It hit me so hard. The first one was bad enough, but again..... My husband and I cried. He called the doctor and I was scheduled for a D&C. It was such a sad day for us. When we were driving home I said to my husband I sure hope that our (momma lamb (that is what we called her) would of had her baby while we were gone. When we got home she had not had her baby yet. I was on bed rest and could only get up a little bit. We had three boys at home the youngest Jarad was 6.It was really hard on him. He cried a lot, because he so wanted another baby in our home. The next morning Phil came in and asked if I was ready for my little walk? I new she had to had her baby. When we went to the corral there she was with her black little baby lamb. My honey said that is not all. Around the corner was a little white lamb with a black tear under her eye. Jarad looked at me and said" See momma, God didn't leave us out, for the two babies that He took He gave us two baby lambs. We have treasured that in our hearts. Jarad never quit praying for a baby. When he was 13 the Lord blessed us with a girl and when he was 16 we had another girl. We have a video of Jarad with tears running down his cheeks when his daddy dedicated our first daughter to the Lord, just after she was born. God can make beautiful memories even out of the most traumatic times. We are so grateful even in our older days to have our two precious daughters that we homeschool.
Thank you for letting me think of those precious memories. You are still in my prayers Michelle,
Blessings to you and your precious family, Linda

October 15, 2009 12:25 AM

Michelle (She Looketh Well) said...

This if from carebear7951 said...

My miscarriage (after 4 years of infertility to even conceive in the first place) is a HUGE part of my testimony. I will forever thank that baby for what s/he did to change my heart. While begging God for a baby I was definitely not living the life of someone who needed a child. Deeply mired in sin (although I knew the "right" way) I could not have been the mom God intended for me to be (therefore I would've missed out on countless blessings). When I lost that baby I shook my fist at God. I was ANGRY beyond belief. But about 2-3 months later I went to my pastor and he helped me to realize some truths. God didn't expect me to like what happened but I had to accept it. And shaking my fist at God would not bring me any closer to Him or my dream of motherhood. So, I surrendered my life and heart back over to Him...that was April 11, 1999. My first child was DUE April 11, 2000-she was born by induction on April 7. My second child? Also due April 11 (just in 2002). That date has such a significant meaning in my life. I will forever be grateful to that little baby whose short life here on earth (in my womb) probably saved me! God is good-all the time!

Lynnette Kraft said...

Six more children to live with eternally in heaven. That's victory and that's why - somehow - your heart rejoices in the midst of your sorrow. That's the beautiful side of death huh? :)

Thank you for providing a place for others to link up today. I hope that many will share their stories.


The Girl in the Pink Dress said...

It is truly amazing to see what God has held you through. His grace truly is enough, but sometimes we still ask why, why He lets us go through things where we have to rely on grace... why He allows us pain that brings tears. Just think of how wonderful it will be to meet them in heaven! What a beautiful family reunion it will be with you, Jesus, and your little ones- all together! I will be praying for you!
Sending hugs and prayers;

Camille said...

Such a blessing to read Michelle...thanks for sharing your heart...once again! It is so wonderful to see your focus on the Lord and His goodness! It reminds me of Job "...the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly." Job 2:21-22
HE is your Rock and Comfort...praying for you today!

busymomof10 said...

That was a beautiful tribute Michelle! I had not planned to participate in this -- but after reading some of the beautiful testimonies that were shared, I decided to go ahead and share my story too. I posted my story on my blog and linked to your blog with Mr. Linky. Thank you for hosting this. May God be glorified and many mothers encouraged!

Praying for you!

Angela said...

Praise God for His promise that we will one day meet our babies in heaven.

In Christ,

For His Glory said...

We miscarried our first baby this March, and the growth God has brought through that experience has been remarkable. He is good in all things!
I have added the post I wrote about a week after loosing Moriah to Mr. Linky.
Thank you for sharing!

Mary at Civilla's Cyber Cafe said...

I'm surprised your doctor did not know about this, after all the medical tests you have been through. I really hurt for you.

Raisingarrows said...

When the news of your loss came across the email a few days ago, my heart fell. I wish no one had to know the pain of losing children, even those we never nurtured on the outside.

Praying for you as you walk this road once again. Remembering with you as well.


Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

This really touched my heart is an absolutely beautiful tribute to your babies.

My heart going out to you right now. I have had one miscarriage and it was to bear at times. I will be praying for you.

Farmgirl Cyn said...

I am rejoicing with you in the midst of your sorrow. Praise God you will see them again. To God be the glory for the things He has done.


Mommyof3gifts said...

Wow... I found your site through Lynette Kraft. Your story has touched me and I look forward to coming back and reading more. Thank you for allowing me to share my story of our precious Brayden. I have linked my post on my blog. Though I have never experienced a miscarriage, I know the pain of loosing a child. We lost Brayden when he was 17 months old. God is faithful... and I am trying to hold onto the strength He provides to make it through each day.
Brayden's Mommy

Sandi said...

Thanks for providing the opportunity to remember my three little ones in heaven.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Michelle said...

You've got me crying..and counting my own blessings. I think the part that choked me up the most was where you spoke of your husband. What a bond you have!

I am SO SORRY for your loss. I've been computer less and just had time today to get over here.