I woke up, tired, sick with a nasty cold. Sort of ‘joyless’ for lack of a better word. This last year has been a blur. So much wonderful yet so much hurriedness. I am feeling a bit tattered and worn, like an old quilt. Threadbare in many places.
I need the Lord, His word, His presence. I picked up the computer instead of my bible, guilt comes when I do this. I checked on a few of my ‘spiritual encouragement’ blogs. My heart started to awaken at what I was reading.
I got ‘bounced’ around, in a good way, and could tell the Lord was leading and ministering to my heart each step of the way.
I poured out my heart in the comment section on one of the posts. Was raw and real. I cried hot tears as I typed how I had lost my joy and didn’t know how to find it. How to find my way back home? I was living in a fog, I felt so confused.
I have walked in this joy, this peace, for long stretches of times, but somehow I just couldn’t choose joy. Me and joy, we have sort of a revolving door relationship. Deep abiding joy is often elusive.
The more I read the more I cried, but as I cried, things got brighter. The weight upon my shoulders, it began to lift.
My mind began to slow. The thoughts, ‘how am I going to do this; I have 5 ‘business’ emails to answer; custom orders piling up; school to plan; school to DO, for crying out loud; so much disarray from this crazy year; our home, the children, they need me, I need them . . . these thoughts, they begin to drift away. Kind of like the ‘hills melt like wax at the presence of the Lord.’
I breathe in deep, slow and long. I sense Him. I exhale. Peace replaces anxiety. I breathe in His love. I exhale the lies, the crazy, the voice of the enemy. I become surrendered to Him and His plan.
Suddenly my plans, my questioning, my worries, they simply drift away. The corners of my mouth begin to turn upwards. The tears cease. Joy has returned.
Does He know all that I have to do? Of course! Does He expect me to know how I am going to do it all today? No, He does not. Will His grace be sufficient each step of the way? Absolutely! He only asks me to
“Turn my eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”
Sometimes I picture Him waiting, with open arms, for me to realized how far off His plan I am and how buried in my own plans I am.
I also picture Him pursuing me, even while I am running my own way. You know . . .
And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left. (Is. 30:21)
(to read the whole beautiful context, click here. It will likely bless your heart.)
He is right there, every breath is from Him. All I need to do is breathe and know that He is here. This inhale, this exhale, it is from Him, He is here.
I can rest in Him knowing that all I need to think about, do and focus on TODAY, is what He has for me TODAY! Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, just today. I don’t need to even wonder how I am going to maintain this joy tomorrow. Just today, my eyes on Him.