Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dependence On Myself

One very difficult afternoon, I was crying quite hard and having an argument with my husband and my doctor. Well, not really with them, I was alone. It was an argument in my head. Tell me you have those too?

I was very weary with the symptoms of this adrenal fatigue and was trying to figure out just how to word things at my next doctor appointment. I was making threats like, 'if you don't give me such and such I'm going to go somewhere else.' Or, 'do you know how serious this is?' (he does, and is treating me very well) I was 'telling' my husband that if he doesn't get behind me on this and explain what has been going on well enough, well, I'm going to just push through! I'll show you, forget my health, fine!' What is hilarious is that, one, my husband is incredibly supportive and my number one advocate. Two, I couldn't 'push through' if I tried. Trust me I have tried!

I calmed my mind and fell asleep. When I woke up I began to thumb through a book I am re-reading called, Jeanne Guyon An Autobiography. (Very good book by the way, have read and re-read it many times over the years.) This is what I read. It was a story about a time when the stagecoach in which she was in was in danger of sinking in a river and she remained calm and able to rest in the Lord's will for her life. Here are the words that struck my heart.

"I was quite content to be drowned, had He permitted it. . .I rather chose to perish, trusting in God, than make my escape in dependence on myself. My pleasure is to be indebted to Him for everything. This renders me content in my miseries, which I would rather endure all my life long, in a state of resignation to Him, than to put an end to them in dependence on myself."

Do you see it? It hit me because that is exactly what I was trying to do. Make my escape in dependence on myself or put an end to my miseries in dependence on myself! I don't want that! I want out when and only when He wants me out. I don't want to depend on me to find a way to wiggle my way out of the hedges and afflictions He has clearly brought about in my life. I was gently put back in my proper submissive position, desiring nothing but His will. (even if it seems to be taking awhile ;-)

How about you? Are there areas you are trying

to 'get out of' in dependence on yourself?


Gloria said...

Oh, dear sister, I didn't know what was going on with you as I was so immersed in my own troubles. I am sorry to hear of your health situation but am encouraged by your faith and trust in our amazing Heavenly Father. Thanks for the nice comment. I posted a little more of our situation, leaving out some TMI details! :)
I'll be praying for you. Will you pray for me, too?

Many blessings today, sweet sister,

Mrs. FSG said...

Though I am sorry that you are feeling bad, I must say that in a way it may be a blessing for you to read this book and be able to 100% depend on God for healing (and everything).

I have a serious fast food addiction and I struggle daily not to run into the 5 fast food joints I pass daily. I've given it to God and He will pull me through.

Connie said...

I get the drift ... I keep thinking,I thought it would be like such and such at this time of my life. I thought things would be easier, more settled and not so topsy turvy. Yet, I know God is in control. I can turn to Him!

Joyfulmomofmany said...


Just checked in on you... wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. He is so good to allow difficulties in our lives, as hard as they are at the time, to draw us to Him. Hard and humbling, but good too. Anyway, I'm praying and have certainly "been there," not with the exact same issues, but forced dependence, nonetheless. The really hard seasons are the richest, it seems.

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

Hmmm, I sometimes think I can go for weeks without having a break and refueling. I can't do that. I have to take care of myself. Sometimes my stomach starts to growl and I realize that I have fed everyone else, but forgot to sit down and eat myself.

I don't like being that busy. I am trying to figure out what truly needs to get done, and stop submitting to the tyranny of the urgent.

So what if a kid is late to soccer practice? It's not the end of the world!

So what if we are late to church? At least I got there!

There are many things that I am asking God to help me examine and figure out what He wants for me to be doing.

This is an excellent post and I appreciate you sharing your struggles. This helps me so much!