I Get to Choose!

So, here's the deal. I get to choose. When the enemy comes in like a flood, with thoughts, frustration, anger, 'just-want-to-choke' that person, (sorry, did I just type that??) I really do get to choose. Yes, the feelings and emotions are strong, the hurt runs deep.

Last night, when I was feeling myself start to go down that road, the thought popped into my mind, "you are above this, you don't need to wrestle down 'here' in the flesh, this is not where you live, this is not your position." I was quickly able to agree and fall sweetly asleep, release the desire to retaliate, make my point, chew the same old cud, over and over.

I wake up this morning, you guessed it, same thoughts, feelings and emotions come flooding back. I remember one of my ALL time favorite verses. (it means so much to me on so many levels)

A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones. (Pr. 14:30)

Do I want life and health? Immediately following that thought,

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. (Pr. 4:23)

So, Michelle, keep and guard your heart, above all that you guard, guard YOUR HEART. I get to choose what my heart meditates on, I must choose wisely!

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Col. 3:1-3)

I (we) are seated with Christ, far above this earthly and fleshly mess we see around us. I must choose. I must guard my heart and thoughts. Getting caught up the 'junk' down here is the worst use of my time and energy. I have things to do, people to love (especially this one in particular, though it almost pains me to say it and I have to stop my eyes from rolling back in my head as I type, but it is true!)

I am here for HIM, for His glory, to further HIS kingdom. It's not about me and my little feelings being hurt, it is about HIM. For I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Gal. 2:20)

Shake it off, ladies!! Don't wrestle around in the much down here, rise above it!! His grace is sufficient!! It is just a temptation from the enemy to waste precious time, destroy your health and ruin your day! No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. (1 Cor. 10:13)

Does the Darkness Surround You?

Reading through Lamentations three, I am reminding of a very long and dark period in my life. So long. About 10 years. And oh, so dark. I remember, vividly reading through Lamentations three at many points during that time. One in particular, I can almost see where I was, what I was wearing and most definitely can feel what I was feeling.

I knew in my heart that God was not ‘causing’ this darkness, these horrendous situations. I knew it was the enemy, circumstances, my sinful choices, other’s sinful choices. I knew God does not ‘cause’ bad in our live. Perhaps He allows, but never causes. Definitely uses the darkness to ultimately bring glory to Him.

I remember weeping as I read. I could literally feel every emotion and description the writer of Lamentations described. The darkness was palpable, I couldn’t escape it. I felt the heavy chains, the hedged in feeling, unable to get free. I knew what the Word said about Him hearing my prayers, but it was as if I could scream at the top of my lungs and it wouldn’t be heard. The attacks from the enemy, the shame, the fear. I wondered if there would EVER be anything different than this hell we were living.

I can relate to verse 18, my strength and my hope is perished. Quite literally, my strength had perished. I am not talking just emotional and spiritual strength, that was long gone. No, physically, all strength was gone. It culminated with a complete collapse. Bedridden, no strength to push through the darkness anymore. I was strong and had pushed long and hard, but physically, it was gone. I had no more. Even walking to the bathroom seemed insurmountable. All hope of ever seeing the light again had vanished, or so it seemed.

The bitterness I felt toward God began to grow. I know, as a good little Christian girl we are not be angry with God or bitter towards Him. And honestly, I didn’t even know that I was at the time. I should have seen it, the thoughts the enemy planted and I grabbed hold of. ‘Why did you let this happen’? ‘I trusted You with this womb! Is this how you reward me?’ ‘How could you let this happen to our family?’ ‘Where are you?!” ‘If you really loved me, You would answer.’ These are not the half of it, I assure you. Oh, I pushed them down, these thoughts, these accusations. I pretended they weren’t there, I hid them instead of repenting of them. I am not saying that God is not big enough to take our fears and doubts and the little girl tantrums, the beating of our fists on His chest as we can’t take the devastation any longer. No, He can. He knows we are but dust and He scoops us up. I’m talking about a root of bitterness that you may not even know is growing deep in the heart. I didn’t know until much later that it was there.

But deep, deep inside me, there was a tiny, miniscule flicker of disbelief. I just could not believe that this was it. I could not believe that God was not going to, somehow, rescue me out of this. I couldn’t figure out how, I had exhausted any ideas I had. I had given Him so much time, yet still nothing.

But God! He did deliver. He did heal. He did answer prayers. He does hear. He never leaves us. He never forsakes. I don’t care what it feels like or what it seems like, HE NEVER LEAVES US. In that darkness, we have no clue what He is doing. In that darkness, we are all but sure He has left us alone. In that darkness, fear and doubt and accusation and bitterness seek to worm their way in. Be on the lookout for them. Take them captive, those lying thoughts. Be like the writer of Lamentations, ‘But this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.’

You know the truth! It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness! Your ‘night’ might feel so long and unending, but morning really does come and His mercies really are new every morning.

I’m not sure what you are going through, what kind of darkness surrounds you this day, this year, this decade, but let me be the one calling from the other side of the darkness. I’m reaching my hand out to you and shouting, ‘hang on, sister, His mercies are new every morning. Morning will come. I promise, but don’t take my word for it, take His! The Lord is your portion, hope in Him’

His Incredible Faithfulness

Exactly 14 years ago, I gave birth to this precious gift. Sarah Grace was actually the fulfillment to a promise God had given me one year earlier.

You see, February of 2000 was the second February in a row that I had lost a baby at 17 weeks. Both losses were traumatic, but the second one, even more so. How can this happen twice, in a row, exactly the same amount of weeks, the same time of year? To say that my faith in God was challenged during that loss would be a gross understatement. I'll save the details for another time, but during that trying time, while I was carrying my dead baby, still in my womb, God healed my heart. I will never forget the morning, it was Valentine's Day, Brian had made me a fire in the morning. He pushed a chair in front of the hearth, made my tea and set me before the Lord. In part, I think, because he didn't know what to do for me anymore, the grief and heartache was hard for him to see in me, especially because there was nothing he could do to make it better. Besides, he was working through his own grief.

That morning, my Father met me in a way He had never done so in the past. Scripture after scripture ministered to my heart. I wept with deep sobs. His Word washed over me again and again. By the time I was finished with my quiet time, the pain was gone. My heart was healed. Later that morning I sat down at the computer to type all that I had read and experienced that morning. While doing so, I felt in my heart, the Lord say, 'you will have another child'. I was terrified to believe it. Surely it was just my mind playing tricks on me or the enemy tormenting me, I said, 'really, God, is that You or just me?' I heard it again in my heart, 'you will have another child.' I tucked that away, deep in my heart.

As I mentioned, I was still carrying the body of my baby, who was in heaven. This is a very difficult thing to do. I still looked pregnant, people still thought I was pregnant and commented. Finally, eight days later, it was time to go deliver this baby. We had waited, hoping it would happen naturally, but my doctor was concerned and didn't want to wait any longer.

I will share the incredible beauty of that experience at another time, but on February 22, 2000, I delivered a perfectly formed, and oh so teeny little boy, we name Ephraim, meaning fruitful, God will make you fruitful.

Fast forward to February of 2001, I was pregnant and due on Valentine's day. That day came and went. I, of course thought that would be the coolest day to have my baby, the day God promised me I would have another child. I began to get anxious and frustrated, as pregnant women can past their due date. Finally, on February 22nd, I delivered our sweet Sarah Grace (God has promised Sarah that she would have a child) I had totally forgotten when we delivered Ephraim. Weeks after Sarah Grace's birth, I stumbled on some hospital papers and the date February 22 popped off the page. I realized that even though I was impatient for our Sarah Grace to be born, God had her birth date planned long ago. One year, from the day I delivered Ephraim, our Sarah Grace was born.

Our God is so incredibly faithful and true. His Word and love is a healing balm for our broken hearts. Today I rejoice in the gift of my Sarah Grace. She is funny and VERY tender hearted. God has gifted her with the ability to memorize vast amounts of scripture. She is beautiful and graceful and feminine. She is incredibly gifted on the piano and has taught herself how to paint with water color. She leaves encouraging notes, tells me how proud she is of me and how much I inspire her. Really, sweet Sarah Grace??? You have no idea how much YOU inspire me. I love you, my sweet.

 

Dear Husband . . .

I almost always share my heart with women, that is my ministry. But today, I have the men on my heart. Not to chastise them, not to tell them what to do, but to encourage them, from a woman’s perspective. Ladies, if you feel safe in doing so, feel free to share this with your husband.

Dear Husband,

You may not know me, but your wife does. I have asked her to bring this to you to read, please don’t feel ganged up on. I thought it might help you to see something from an outside perspective. No one is accusing you or telling you ‘you are doing it wrong’. I want to encourage you, in the meekest of ways, what YOUR love does for your wife. To encourage you to love her with the love of Christ. You probably already know it is your ‘duty’ your ‘calling’, your scriptural mandate, but here is a picture of what you love can do. Happy Valentine’s Day, Husband. I know your role is the most difficult role, we appreciate you!!!

When a man loves a woman . . . maybe you know the how the song goes. It’s one that is on our playlist of romantic songs. You know, for special date nights where we dance in the candlelight. I am continually in awe of how much this man loves this woman. I can assure you, he is far from perfect, and he would tell you too. But he loves me. He lays down his life for me. He listens to me. He encourages me. He picks me up when I am down. He supports my crazy ideas. He tells me ‘no’ when he should be telling me no. He believes I am beautiful and tells me so. He loves to spend time with me. He loves ‘us’. He cherishes me. He pampers me. He loves me in my imperfectness. He sees in me what I do not see.

What happens ‘when a man loves a woman’? I’d like to rewrite that song. If I had a musical bone in my body I would. But here’s what I know.

When a man loves a woman, her confidence grows.

When a man loves a woman, she begins to love herself.

When a man loves a woman she sees a little glimpse of how much her Jesus loves her.

When a man loves a woman, she feels safe and secure.

When a man loves a woman, she blossoms into who she was created to be.

When a man loves a woman, she sees beauty in herself.

When a man loves a woman, her heart heals more and more each day.

When a man loves a woman, no matter what comes her way, she can handle it because he loves her.

When a man loves a woman, he might not know it, but he is loving her whole.

What a beautiful opportunity you men have. To be the hands and heart of your Savior to your wife. May God bless you and equip you. May YOU know the healing love of Jesus in your heart as well. We thank you and commend you for all you do!!

Sincerely yours,

A LOVED wife

When You Want To Run Away

Do you ever feel like you just want to run away? Like, if you could just get away from this circumstance, or that one, all would be fine? Yeah, me too.{sigh} But here is what I quickly realized. No matter where I could run, "I" would still be there. I have this a lot. I feel like God is saying, oh, you could run away, but sweet Michelle, YOU will still be there. The struggles you are dealing with are not so much outside circumstances, but are heart issues.

I'm reminded, once again . . .

that His grace is always sufficient
that He is ALWAYS with me
that He loves me with an ever-lasting love
that I am safe under the shadow of His wings
that He ALWAYS leads me in triumph
that NOTHING can separate me from His love
that He hears my cry
that He answers the cry of my heart
that He is my help and my shield
that the Lord is on my side
that He is my refuge and strength
that the Lord of hosts is with me

I am reminded that discouragement, despair, hopelessness, fear, doubt, feeling 'ugly' inside, self hatred, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, anxiety, joylessness, lost-ness, unrest, turmoil, discord, agitation, rejection, obsession, drivenness, pushed, unhappy, unloved, feeling unimportant, irrelevant, worthless, bound, broken-hearted, heavy-hearted . . .

NONE of these are apparel fit for or heart conditions or mind-controlling thoughts for a Daughter of God. They are ALL from the father of lies. Every-single-one of them are from the enemy. We get to choose, walk in them today, or not. They only have the power over us that we let them. This is a hard one for me to swallow, 'yeah, but' rises up in my heart, but I know it is true, WE CAN CHOOSE.

Father, helps us to discern YOUR voice today and that of the enemy. Thank you that You lead us in victory, that You paid for our freedom, that You love us, have chosen us, have made us holy and blameless in YOUR sight. Helps us to see that our 'feelings' are just that, feelings. We can take them captive just like we can take our thoughts captive. I pray, Father, that You would be the lifter of our heads and hearts today, and that You would open our eyes to the true beauty You surround us with. Strengthen us, O Lord, to walk in Truth today. In Jesus name!

He is Your Anchor

 

Not sure what you might be going through today, but NOTHING can separate you from the love of Christ! Those voices in your head, the ones spewing lies of despair and hopelessness, yeah, those. Read this out loud, right now, and watch them flee. I'm not kidding, right now, OUR LOUD, so all of hell can hear the Words of Truth!

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.

Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

What If . . . ?

 

What if it is already done?

What if you really just love me?

What if I don’t need to flounder and question my path or journey?

What if I knew you were, all along, leading me by the hand out of my Egypt?

What if I knew that You don’t see me the way that I do?

What if I knew that you are merciful to my unrighteousness and that those sins I see and struggle with, well, what if I knew You don’t remember them?

What if I knew that your love was already written into my mind and heart?

That I don’t need to wrestle and try so hard to know it, but that it is already there.

What if I knew when discouragement and confusion sweeps over me that it’s not You and that I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s just a scheme of the enemy?

What if I knew I don’t actually need to listen to it, be affected by it or panic. And wonder what I need to change. What if I just rested under the shadow of your wings? Safe and secure.

What if I knew it was lie and not some default in me? That I am Chosen, Hand -Picked by You. That I am Holy, and Blameless before you. And that above all I am Dearly Loved.

What if I knew I could just step out from under his lies and not be swallowed up by them?

What if I just go about my day and not have to try so hard to do better, but know right here, right now, I am loved and safe and all is well. I can smile. I can just breathe. And be okay.

You Are Chosen

In the last post, Jesus Knew, Do You, we talked about how Jesus knew who He was and how He was able to face what was before Him because of it.

Therefore, as those who have been chosen by God, holy and dearly loved . . . Colossians 3:12

Knowing who we are how very loved we are is what enables us to live in freedom from the lies of the enemy. It heals us from the dreaded syndrome I call, the ‘Do More, Be Better, Try Harder Syndrome’.

The above text says that we are Chosen, Holy an Dearly Loved.

Let’s delve into, “chosen” today. Do you really comprehend what that means? That means God picked you. He didn’t get stuck with you, He picked you.

I picture myself at the roller rink on Friday night. The dreaded ‘boys choice’ skate was called. I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough and found myself standing against the wall with all the other girls. The trauma of watching the boys skate by, passing me. Around again. Maybe picking the girl next to me, but passing me by. Over and over again, I was not picked. Rejection stings, doesn’t it? Maybe you have been passed over or ‘not picked’ in your lifetime and you can still feel the pain. Doesn’t being ‘not picked’ make you feel unworthy? Unlovable, in some way? Like there is something wrong with you?

Guess what. God’s word assures us that He picked us! We are chosen by Him. Does it matter if the pimple-faced geeky boy on skates picked me when the God of the universe, the lover and creator of all things beautiful picked me??? No, not when you really let that truth go deep. I’d be rejected a thousand times to be picked by Him just once!

I used what seems like a trite example of ‘not being picked’, but you know as well as I do that rejection and circumstances that would cause one to feel unworthy and unloved comes in many sizes and colors. They can be seemingly silly things to deep, traumatic and abusive situations. We often put on our ‘brave’ face and say, well, that wasn’t ‘that’ big of a deal, or stuff it down. But in reality, the wound is still there and the enemy of our souls only makes it go deeper, until we are so trained to think we are unworthy, unlovable, awkward, definitely one to be ‘not picked’ because we ‘know’, really know, deep down just how awful we are.

Do you recognize the lies? Pause for a moment and see if the Holy Spirit would bring to your mind some of the lies you have believed that keep you bound and wounded.  Anything, whatsoever, that comes to your mind that does not line up with scripture is a lie!  Take those thoughts out for a moment and examine them. Do they fit with the following? I have placed my own emphasis on these verses, can’t help myself. I encourage you to meditate on these. Turn them into your own words, what I like to call ‘My Beliefs’

“just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will” Ephesians 1:4-5

"No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day John 6:44

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. Ephesian 2:10

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; 1 Peter 2:9

"You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. John 15:16

"All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. John 6:37

"For you are a holy people to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth Deuteronomy 7:6

"For you are a holy people to the LORD your God, and the LORD has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 14:2

But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth – 2 Thessalonians 2:13

An example of ‘My Beliefs’ might be,

Thank You, Father, that from the very beginning YOU have chosen me for salvation. You love me and chose me. Picked me. I am ‘pickable’

If you have any hope of being free from the lies and really living in the freedom Christ paid for, you are going to need to put some effort in it. Meditate on the truth. Take the lies captive.  It’s worth it, I promise!

Next time, Holy.

Jesus Knew, Do You?

I was struck by a phrase in the Gospel of John, chapter 13:3.

“Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God’.

Jesus knowing. It popped off the page to me. Jesus knew who He was, what His purpose was, how much He was loved by the Father and He could face, even the unthinkable, because He knew this.

In my own walk and my experience in ministering to women, I think the foundational ‘flaw’, if you will, that we all have is a lack of knowing who we truly are. Without this foundation we are prone to the many lies of the enemy as to our value and purpose. Self-hatred, self-doubt, fear, doubts, unbelief, anxiety, self-rejection, so much of this stems from feelings of unworthiness.

We all know, ‘Jesus loves me, this I know’. But stop for a second, do you really know? I mean, know to your very core? One of my favorite scriptures that God has used to bring such healing to me in this area is, Colossians 3:12.

Therefore, as those who have been chosen by God, holy and dearly loved . . .

Stop right there! Three little words ministered to my heart for the better part of a year and still do whenever I see them.

Chosen, Holy, Loved.

Ask my children, they will tell you these three words will go with me until the day I die.

I am going to delve into each word, Chosen, Holy, Loved, in subsequent posts. I don’t want to rush through them. For today, meditate on this scripture.

 

I pray, Father, that You would give us a revelation of how loved we are and that healing, wholeness and restoration was paid for by the blood of Your Son. Free us to walk in this healing in a greater way, day by day. I pray, also, that we would be able to recognize the lies we have believed about who we are and that our Father would give us a beautiful, full picture of who we are and how incredibly valuable and loved we are.

He Weeps With Us

When it is hard to believe ‘this will not end in death’ . . . He is there with you, and He will be glorified.

 

 

Has the Enemy Come Knocking Yet?

If you are going to make it to the end of this year with your dreams, goals and hopes still intact, you may just have to fight for your sanity along the way.

Usually, when you are a willing participant, there’s not much you can do to thwart God’s plan for you. Obviously, lack of obedience, fear, and things like that can get in the way or delay things a bit, but that is beyond the scope of this post.

I’m talking about when you are already a bit shaky in your dream or new goals. I mean, you know it’s from God, but you also know YOU. You’ve been here before, you have a history for messing things up, or so you think. So you’re shaky. You’re doing your best to get grounded and rooted in these new ‘digs’.

Be on the lookout for fear and doubt, ugly little demons that they are. It doesn’t take much. Oftentimes they come riding on the back of comparison. You know, you see someone else whose ‘dream’ (life) seems so much nobler than yours. Or perhaps, man, they sure are living their dream. It seems so effortless for them. I mean, you can barely stand up and they are running with theirs.

I don’t know about you, but oftentimes for me, it can take little more than a NANA-second, for me to be heaped in a pile under loads of fear and doubt. Seconds, and it is an all-out ‘crumble, tumble and tremble.

I’m giving you this warning so you know it is coming, or, maybe it already has. I know it has for me. Only took nine days. Nine days into the new year! But here is what is super cool. I recognized it immediately. God, in His great mercy, gave me quick discernment.

You know how sometimes, if the back door gets left open just a teensy tiny crack, somehow the cat’s radar goes off and she just quietly pushes through the door? Often times you may have to chase her around the house, under the table and behind the couch and by the time you get her you are all tuckered out? Is this just me? Not this time. I saw her immediately and caught her before she made it past the back hallway.

 

I suppose the best case scenario would be for the door to never get left open. But, if it does, best to be ready with a plan and act immediately.

I began to see those thoughts come in.  I saw them for what they were, lies. I took them captive, after telling Brian, of course. Who proceeded to say, ‘woman, why are you even talking that trash, just stop and get them out of here and speak the truth.’ Such a practical guy. Isn’t it just like a woman to need to ‘talk about it’?

It all seemed so surreal and I felt like God was training me. I sensed in my spirit I was somehow getting a ‘do-over’, a chance to start from the beginning and get strong. Kind of like working out. You start with the basics and progress as you grow in strength. You see, God size dreams don’t come without a fight. Our enemy will fight tooth and nail to keep us from God’s best for us, and try to stop us from reaching others with His love!!

Be ready!!

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Put on the whole armor of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Has the enemy come in and tried to rob you of your hope for this season of your life? Pick yourself up, cry out for discernment and kick the devil to the curb! Maybe you are ‘holding your own’ (or, being held). Well, praise God for is mercy and keeping power! I’d love to hear what you might be going through and lift you in prayer. Some of you have done so privately and that is so fine. Either here in the comments, or always feel free to message me. Go forth in the strength of the Lord this week!

Rise Up and Walk

Let me start off by asking, am I the only one who wrestles with God? Questions, sometimes to ad nauseam, what He might be saying to me? I really wonder if He occasionally does a 'face palm' when I go on and on trying to understand, rather than just trusting.

I am so enjoying reading through the Gospel of John. Today I was stuck in chapter five. The man healed at the pool Bethesda. The story is familiar, but today, I felt it was speaking right to my heart.

Jesus shows up and asks the man, ‘Wilt thou be made whole?’  I immediately sat upright when I read that. Wilt thou be made whole? Do you really want to be made whole? Do you really want to be free from these struggles? Of course the man wanted to be made whole, right? I mean, he had an infirmity for a very long time, thirty-eight years!  I want to be whole too, right? Do I? Do you? If I am going to be made whole, I am going to have to choose it, let go of what I am holding on to, believe Him.

The man answered that he had no one to put him in the pool. I argue, but I don’t understand. Perhaps if I look here or there. Try this or that, then, maybe, I will be made whole, free from this struggle.

Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.”  And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.

Pretty straightforward, don’t you think? Simply rise up and walk!

Um, but . . . the questions begin to rattle around. But again, I hear,  ‘Rise up and walk!’ 

A few verses down, after the man was questioned by the authority, Jesus finds him again. I LOVE this!! Is that not a picture of a merciful God? He came back to him, He could have slipped away, but He came back to tell the man, Behold, thou art made whole: sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee.

Thou art made whole. Say it with me. I am made whole. The peace washed over me this morning. I have wrestled and fought. I have gripped it so tightly that I could barely open my hands, for they had been clenched closed for so long.

The scriptures say immediately he was made whole, took up his mat and walked. I wonder, though, did he wobble a bit as he walked. Probably not, Jesus had healed him. But honestly, I am feeling a bit wobbly, shaky in the knees with this new found freedom and wholeness.  I’ll keep this scripture close, to remind me, because I am sure that enemy, you know the one who roams around like a lion, the one seeking to devour, will come prowling. Old lies will need to be replaced with the truth. I am made whole. I will Rise up and WALK

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Will you? What are you holding on to? What are you wrestling with God over? Do you want to be made whole? Do you want to be free from the battle?  Come on, let’s do this together. I promise, my faith is shaky-wobbly faith, but it is faith. We can do this!

Are You Planning to Fail?

 

If I hope to even come close to my goals for this year, I need to do my part. I trust God will bring about the impossible, but I must make choices daily that reflect my goals, dreams and visions for my year, and my life, really. I am keenly aware that my times are not in my own hands and that it is the Lord that directs my steps. I know “If the Lord will, we shall live and do this or that.” (James 4:15)

Yet I also know I must do my part; I must follow where He leads. I must “Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure”. (Prov. 4:26)

It will mean choosing wisdom or the flesh, choosing to move when I want to sit, choosing to turn off the computer when escaping draws me away, choosing to study and work when I’d rather fritter my time away, to serve when I’d rather hide. One can dream and plan, but one must also ‘put feet’ to those dreams.

Have you ‘put feet’ to you goals? It is easy to say I will read my Bible more or exercise this year, but without a plan the dust accumulates on your Bible and your bum gets softer!

Are you willing to share how you have ‘put feet’ to your goals?

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” (Prov. 29:18)

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.” – Benjamin Franklin

Reading Through John (Ch. 1-3)

I am participating in a wonderful online bible study over at She Reads Truth. I plan to share just a few snippets from each chapter here, every few days.

In reading an overview of the gospel of John and in chapter 6:66, “many disciples turned back and no longer walked with Him” Jesus asked His disciples if they would turn away too. I LOVED Peter’s response, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life. And we believe that thou art that Christ, the Son of the living God.’

My heart skips a beat as I remember a few extremely difficult times in the past when I wanted to run, I couldn’t take it anymore, it seemed. This road was so hard and so long. I remember coming to the exact conclusion that Peter did. Where else would I go? Jesus is the Living Word! He is the Christ, the living God! What other journey would I tread? With whom else would I go?

Just recently, the ‘journey’ in a particular area has seemed so very long and hard, the one He has chosen. Again, faced with the question, what are my options? My own way or His glorious plan. I choose HIM! His way! Mine is foolish and simple and self-focused.

John 1

v. 8. He was not the Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light!

v. 14 Jesus, full of grace and truth . . .

v.50 . . . thou shalt see greater things than these.

Father, as I look over the past year, I am I awe of what You have done and it is with great hope and expectancy that I look towards the new year! I say, Yes! Yes, Lord to all You have in store for me. Let me bear witness of Your Light to all I come in contact with. Here at home, in the hearts of my husband and children and in every single person I come across. Open my yes to see past the exterior into the deep of their heart that needs the Light of Jesus!

I come with open arms and hands, I say, YES, Lord, YES! I am Yours. A living epistle!

Freedom from all that holds me bound? Yes, Lord!

To loving the unlovely? Yes, Lord!

Speaking grace and truth? Yes, Lord!

All that You have, Lord, Yes!

John 2

What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him. John 2:11

How gracious are you, Father, to understand we are but dust, and oftentimes it isn't until we see Your glory that we"believe" on You. We believe, help our unbelief. Give us eyes to see your manifest glory everywhere! And give us grace to believe in You, whether we see or not!

John 3

v. 29 . . . rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom’s voice.

Oh, Lord, how greatly it rejoices my heart to hear your voice!

He’s Waiting For You

How You are always here, no matter how far I wander and no matter how long. You are always here. Rich in mercy, great in love.

Guilt would try to drown me, for my failures and weaknesses. The constant ‘distraction’ of life I succumb too. The blatant choice I make of this world over Your word, of busyness of life over sitting with You. What do I get when I come to my senses? Love and mercy. They wash over me, no matter how undeserving I feel. You are here. Emmanuel, ‘God with us.’ (Matthew 1:23)

I sense in my spirit, acceptance and peace. No condemnation, no chastising, only love. The truth that I am chosen, holy and dearly loved echoes through my heart. (Col. 3:12) I’ll never do it ‘good enough’, ever, but his doesn’t change Your love for me.

You never, EVER, turn away from me. Ever! It is I who am prone to wander. You are steadfast. You are faithful and true to Your word an character. I find rest and peace in You. I breath in, I breath out. There is no place safer, more beautiful, more peaceful, more complete, than under the shadow of Your wings. With each breathe, life fills me. Joy and peace flow through my whole being. You are all I need. Once again, the Prince of Peace reigns in my heart.

I’m not sure where you are today. In that place of basking in His glory or hiding in shame. If it is the latter, come out into the light! He is here, waiting for you with nothing but love and acceptance! You are His child, He longs to be with you. He loves you with an everlasting love. (Jer. 31:3)

My “Word” For 2015

My word for the New Year has been rattling around in my heart for almost two weeks now. It thrilled me, but felt so ‘unspiritual’. I know, silly. I kept asking God confirm it and kept suggesting more spiritual words, all to no avail. Nothing fit right. So here goes my heart this day.

Those dreams you have? You know, those ones tucked away in the back? Yeah, those. You have been afraid to dream. Life has been hard and you have been hurt. You have seen your dreams shattered in a million pieces. Years and years of hoping you’d see them come true. Your heart has become hard—you are so afraid to dream. You didn’t even realize it until now, but you don’t dream anymore. I’m not saying you don’t have a beautiful life and feel very blessed. I am talking about beyond all that, way in the corner of your heart. There are dreams and hopes you have that have long since been pushed back. These dreams? They seem impossible to achieve. Like they will never happen. You have tried to make them happen. You have prayed for God to bring them about. Years of clenched fists, tears streaming down your face that is turned towards heaven. I know. I really know.

Here is what I want you to know. He knows your dreams. He loves you in the craziest most amazing way! Maybe your dream needs refining. Maybe you aren’t ready for it. But I want to encourage you and challenge you to dare to dream! Dare to trust His love and goodness again. Let this be the year you reach way back in your heart, blow the dust off those dreams, and dream again.

I can’t promise you that they will all come true this coming year, but I can assure you that you will come alive in new ways if you just dare to dream. Would you like to join me this year? Dare to step out and trust Him with your dreams? You see, with men, this dream is impossible, but with God, ALL things are possible!

Take His hand, trust Him again. Let’s do this together, let’s chase our dreams this year!

When a Word Becomes Sacred

I can hardly stay inside my skin this time of year and it has nothing to do with Christmas. For some reason, the end of the year is so sacred to me. I become very nostalgic and begin looking back on the past year.

Some time after Thanksgiving, when things slow down and the snow begins to fall, my heart turns toward remembering all the Lord has done in the last year.

This year is no different, my heart swells with gratitude. I find myself very emotional during the last weeks of the year too. Sometimes tears of sadness, some tears of great joy, often times, both.

My most favorite part, though, is seeking Him for direction for the coming year, and for my ‘word’ for the year! It’s a fun game we play. I tune my ears to hear His voice. I take ‘words’ off the shelf and look at them, asking, is this it? What about this one? It really is a sweet time I have with Him.

Do you pick a word for the year? What I love most about it,is the simplicity of it all. No big resolutions I will forget by February. No trying to figure out what I should be doing for the new year. Nope, just a simple word or phrase to think about and meditate on for the coming year. 

Last year my word was “Be Still and Know”. Turned out to be an appropriate word, as it always does. One year it was perspective.  What is on your heart this year? I encourage you to consider seeking the Lord for a ‘word’ to define and shape your coming year. Doesn’t have to be fancy and you don’t stress over it. He hears your cry and He will make it abundantly clear. Sometimes, for me, it doesn’t come until New Year’s Day, when I am having my New Year’s Quiet time! He is never late.

I have an inkling of what mine might be, but won’t know for sure until I officially christen the new year with my sacred word.  I would love to hear if you have this tradition too?

A Fairytale Come True

I can’t believe I forgot to post this!  Not all fairytales are make believe, some actually come true . . .

Twenty six years ago, I married my Knight in shining armor. An Anniversary Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, there was a little princess growing up in a big kingdom. She was fair and pretty and her smile glowed with joy. Although she was loved very much, circumstances changed in the kingdom and she began to doubt she was loved. By the time she was a beautiful and fair princess, she no longer believed in herself. Feelings and thoughts of unworthiness overwhelmed her.

One day, she decided to leave the kingdom and find this love she was missing. She looked in many places and many arms to find it. As the years went on, her eyes began to lose their once sparkle for life. Her smile was only pretend now. Still beautiful, but empty.

This fair princess was a young woman now, alone and scared. She was sure she would never be loved, for how could she be? She had been rejected by many. The copious amount of mistakes had left her full of shame. When she was just a wee little princess she would dream of her knight in shining armor. He was strong and handsome. In her dreams, he had the most kind eyes. She would get lost looking into them. He would love her. But now, those dreams seemed so far away. Her once ‘full of life’ heart was shattered and broken into many pieces. She carried on, giving the appearance of being brave, but she was frightened and broken. All hope seemed lost.

One day, while walking through the forest, head hanging low with shame and many tears flowing from her face, she heard something off in the distance. Too caught up in her own little world, she pressed on. Suddenly the sound of horse hoofs were right upon her. Startled, she turned to see a beautiful white horse carrying a knight in full, shining armor. She wiped the tears from her eyes and wondered who was under that helmet. Confused, she thought, why would he stop to talk to her, she no longer looked like the princess she once was.

This knight dismounted his beautiful horse. Her heart was beating quite fast. Slowly the knight removed his helmet. A very handsome and fair man was underneath. His eyes so kind. Were these the eyes she saw in her dreams all those years ago? His smile soft and somewhat modest. What could he want with her? Surely he was looking for anyone, anything other than her. She inquired as to how she could help him. He said he was there for her, he had been looking for her for his whole life. Bewildered, she turned in haste. How could this be? He doesn’t know me and where I have been.

She hadn’t gotten far before she felt a strong hand grasp her arm. She turned to see those kind eyes again. Something about those eyes, she hasn’t seen that kind of love in a long time. He slowly, while never taking his eyes off of her, dropped to one knee and said, ‘you see, my fair princess, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I was created to be your husband. I long to cherish you and protect you. I desire to live the rest of my life with you by my side. Please don’t run from me, for I love you with my whole heart and we shall be husband and wife.’ And as he was bowed before her, he kissed her hand.

And they lived happily ever after . . .

I am forever thankful to the KING of the kingdom for sending me my Knight in shining armor! Happy Anniversary, my darling!!

Random Thoughts From My Heart

Often times I hesitate to write, so many ‘topics’ going through my head. I decided to just write, to let my heart pour out. Oh how I miss writing . . . I was a bit reflective on verge of my 48th birthday.

As I sit on my beautiful porch, sun warm on my face, gentle breeze blowing the white curtains the men couldn’t understand the need for, I’m filled with gratitude for where I am in life!

It is so easy to forget how blessed I am. I mean, let’s be real here, life is hard filled with heartache, pain, be it physical or emotional, is often a constant companion. How easy to get caught up in the swirl of it all. Sometimes we can stuff it down, forget for a moment or rise above it, but often the temptation is too strong.

Maintaining joy and gratitude, is like paddling upstream in a river! Sometimes that river is raging. So easy to get caught up in the current. Often times I am dragged so far down stream before I come to my senses. The water has slowed, I catch my breath, rub the water from my eyes. I am able to see the beauty again, the gifts, Your love, it is always there, I simply lose sight of it!

We have dreamt of living and working together day in and day out. Has it been easy? Were there and are there some bumps and bruises? Oh yeah! Who knew when your dreams come true it is hard? I didn’t. I had this picture, I think of butterflies and rainbows every day. Of everyone getting along swimmingly. Working hard, playing hard, laughing hard. I didn’t know there would be just some plain old ‘hard’.

Three years into this beautiful journey I think we are adjusted, found our rhythm, mostly. I am realizing more and more what a gift this is. Being a family. Living simply, chasing dreams, pursuing passions, running a business, loving Jesus and loving people. The privilege of being living epistles in this world, while recognizing our sufficiency is of God and God alone. And so amazed that he can use us in any way astounds me daily.

I see massive piles of wood, enough to last three winters, I’m told. It’s just wood, right? It’s so much more. Its provision that for years we prayed for, now in abundance. It’s lessons only learned between father and sons and hard work, it’s duty and sweat and providing for your family, its doing the ‘not so fun’ for others, getting little in return. Little that can be seen now, that is.

I see old barn wood and old galvanized roofing. Silly how the ‘old’ brings such delight. Ladders and doors from half a century before I was born. Picked and gathered, the thrill of the hunt with the man who completes me, loves me, lays down his life for me. We laugh and drink coffee- I prattle on- he listens, really listens. That’s love.

Blue skies and sunshine: how it fills my soul with light and joy!

So yeah, I’m filled to overflowing with Your goodness and love. You truly are a giver of good and perfect gifts.

“Epiphany Moment”

You know those moments, when time stops and you realize something that you have longed for, prayed for or hoped for has come to be. I mean something deep inside that you can hardly describe? Sort of an ‘epiphany moment’.

I had that yesterday. For a very long time I have said, ‘I just want to feel as good everyday as I do on caffeine.’ I am referring to the energy, mental clarity and overall sense of well-being. This has been illusive, this feeling, for so many years. Don’t get me wrong, there is much grace in my life to do what I am called to do, but I am referring to the daily battle of fatigue, hormone imbalance and brain fog. Give me a good cup of strong coffee and watch out! Ain’t nobody gonna keep up with me! I’m happy, I dance, I buzz about my day and go for hours. I have always compared this to what true health and well-being would feel like.

I don’t drink coffee anymore. In recent years I only ‘used’ it when needed, kind of like taking an aspirin when needed. It’s been several months since even taking ‘as needed’.

Well, just yesterday, when I was describing how I have been feeling to my Doctor, I found myself saying, ‘I feel as good everyday as I used to feel on caffeine.’ It didn’t hit me until minutes later, back in the van. I just about burst into tears. How long have I cried out for healing, for strength, to just feel ‘great’? How many pages of my journal were filled with the longings of my heart? How many tears cried over the never-ending fatigue?

I feel like this is just the beginning. I have hope for the first time in years that it is going to get better. That I can be strong. I can have energy. I can live my life the way God designed me to live it, with strength and energy and joy!

The journey has been SO long and so multi-faceted. Many, many things have gone into getting me to where I am today. Truly a spirit, soul and body journey. Recently, significant changes in my way of eating and moving have made a huge impact. I have been pursuing ‘healthy eating’ for over fifteen years. I look back and see this amazing journey and all I have learned, the bumps and bruises, the mistakes and the major lifestyle changes that have brought me to where I am today.

For the first time in my adult life, or as far back as I can remember, I feel amazing! I wake up with energy and joy. I can work and play for hours and hours. I am not a slave to needing to eat because blood sugar is dropping. I have a constant, steady flow of energy. I have days where I take it easy and do simple everyday things and then I have days that I can work for 12 hours straight, on my feet, barely stopping to eat.

The point of all of this is, I simply love those ‘epiphany moments’ when you have that beautiful, heart-bursting moment when you see answers to long standing prayers! It might seem small in comparison to some things, but when it is your heart that gets flooded with this revelation, it is BIG!