My mind was swimming with thoughts, my emotions all jumbled and confused.
Could this really be the time You are going to answer this Mama's plea? Rescue our Prodigal? Doubt and unbelief, their whispers get louder. “How many times have you prayed and hoped, only to be wrong yet again?’ ‘Nothing is going to change, it hasn’t yet’.
I am shocked by the depth of emotions. This raw pain, I didn’t even know it was still there. Guess I boxed it up all neat and tidy and went on with life. Put on my happy face. I have boarded up that area of my heart to protect it from disappointment.
I am reading in John 11, about Martha, Mary and Lazarus. The story is familiar . . . but wait, these words cut deep . . . Lord, if you had been there . . .
I feel as though the wind has been knocked clear out of me. I grab my chest, my eyes pour hot tears. I am angry and hurt. I see myself in Martha and Mary. “Jesus, if You had just been there, or there, or stopped that . . .”
I cry long and deep. I recognize the accusation in my heart. I repent and cry. This hurts, but I want it all out, to be cleansed. I am tempted to wipe the tears, board up my heart, deal with this another time.
I hear Him ‘beckon me to the cross’, I am overwhelmed, lost for words. Whisper, ‘cleanse me, Father, make me whole. I remember days earlier pleading with Him to go deep in my heart. Don’t just heal me, make me whole. Leave no bitterness, no hidden sin. Reveal my heart.
The tears, they continue to flow, but now it is from overwhelming love that has flooded my heart. I am sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.
I listen to His voice as He reminds me to believe and I will see the glory of the Lord, to trust, to not lean on my own understanding (or the past)
The lies are fading as I meditate on the Truth, as I choose to believe.
What really do I have to lose? If I stay in fear, doubt and unbelief, my closed up heart might not be hurt again, but I also might not ever see the answer to my prayers. Or, I could open my heart and trust my faithful God and believe and see the glory of God. I choose to believe!…all things are possible to him who believes.
This week will prove to be monumental in a young man’s life, whom we hold very dear. Believe with us that the glory of God will be manifest in this situation. Could I humbly ask that our family be lifted to the throne of grace all this week?
Relentlessly Pursuing . . . Deliverance and Wholeness