Kelly Crawford, from Generation Cedar is a very dear blogging friend. We have been friends since I started blogging. Her home was destroyed by a tornado.
Another friend, June, from A Wise Woman Builds Her Home has set up a way to make donations for the family. Please prayerfully consider donating and please be praying.
Please take the time to follow the above links and respond as the Lord leads. Hug your children extra tight and thank God for the blessings we have. I know I am. Love to all!
For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me. (Psalm 40:12)
I have been looking back at last year’s journals and posts. Beginning with the last week in March through the middle of May, were the absolute worst eight weeks of the Adrenal Fatigue/Exhaustion. Which is hard to believe, because 10 months earlier when I officially “crashed”, I was shockingly sick.
I began to spiral downward. Nothing, absolutely nothing was working to stop it either. Not the hundreds of dollars each week in quality supplements. Not the impeccable diet or the copious amounts of physical rest. (I say ‘physical’ because there was zero internal rest going on) Nothing.
I shake my head in awe today, when I look back. How He took me from the pit and put me where I am today just astounds me!
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. (Psalm 40:2)
One thing that was so shocking to me is that it was 100% spiritual. Oh, I know we don’t like to talk about that, do we? For some reason we feel accused when someone mentions that maybe a sickness is a fruit of unrighteousness in our lives. We like it better if we can keep it in the physical realm. Something concrete to pin it on. Something, you know, not my fault.
I think if we could really understand how connected we are, spirit-soul-body, we wouldn’t feel so threatened.
You see, while absolutely, 100% of my symptoms were as real and physical as they could be, behind them or the cause of them, was spiritual. The physical is affected by the spiritual. I believe this is the case way more than we know and way, way more than we give credit for.
If we had an understanding of how our thoughts affect our bodies, how our thoughts, participation with sin affects the physical, we wouldn’t be so ‘scared’ to admit that a little repentance and deliverance might alleviate some of the symptoms, syndromes and diseases we are dealing with.
When we think of ‘sin’, we think of the more obvious sins, lying, stealing, cheating, murder, ect. and we think, ‘what sin could be behind my illness?’ Well, I am talking about things like FEAR!, guilt, rejection, envy, jealousy, feeling unloved, self-hatred, self-bitterness, and more. (these are every bit sin as the above sins)
So many of us suffer needlessly because we are looking in the wrong place for healing! Many, many “diseases” and “syndromes” are not going to be healed through diet, or supplements or drugs or by ‘confessing’ yourself healed.
My heart aches, especially for the Mamas who are sick and have no clue why. (My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge . . . Hosea 4:6) If you know a Mama or are a Mama who is sick with some malady like Adrenal Fatigue/Exhaustion, any of the symptoms that go with it like, depression, anxiety, hypo-glycemia, extreme exhaustion, hypo or hyper-thyroid or any other ‘syndrome’, please feel free to email me or ask any questions. I certainly do NOT have all the answers, but if there is any way I can help, I would be honored.
And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the LORD. (Psalm 40:3)
The last couple of weeks have been anything BUT routine and the ‘naming’ and counting has been sporadic at best. I long for it, this seeing Him in everything, naming the gifts, thanking Him. I jot them down here or there, but long for the routine of seeing them all.day.long, in each moment. I am praying this week to get back to ‘normal’. (what is normal anyway?)
How are you doing with your counting and naming His gifts? Do you find it ‘easy’ to fall out of the habit of gratitude still, as I do?
One of the ‘indicators’, if you will, of a spirit of guilt operating in your life might be ‘regret’ and/or ‘remorse’.
Several weeks ago, I realized that every time I would look at old family photos, old home videos, or a child was turning 20, or 19 or 15 or 10, the age didn’t matter, I would feel sadness. Something didn’t feel right, but I couldn’t discern it. I could never look back and have joy over the events or revel in the beauty of growth and change.
I prayed, asking the Lord to give me discernment into this. It was obvious that something was not right. It wasn’t long before, through teachings, His Word and circumstances that this kind of thinking was tied to a spirit of guilt. As I repented and removed and began to fill my mind with Truth, freedom came. I was able to discern that the ‘names’ for those feelings were indeed ‘regret’ and ‘remorse’. Discerning, naming, repenting and removing has brought a whole new outlook on life.
It was like I had these dark glasses on that only allowed me to see things through guilt. This is how I would describe what it is like as I discern each new layer of bondage the Lord is removing. Can I tell you the world looks entirely different than it did 337 days ago!?
The joy that fills my soul as I face each day without guilt! (not to mention,a spirit of fear, performance, drivenness, envy, jealousy . . . shall I keep going? 
I watched an old home video last night, guess what? Nothing but pure joy and thankfulness for the life we have lived. No regrets. No remorse. No guilt. Just joy! Freedom is sweet.
I was reading Psalm 31 yesterday, and so many things ‘popped’ to me, but none more than,
Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth. (verse 5)
Hand: power, strength, assistance. “into thine hand”, means to delegate authority, responsibility, care and dominion.
Commit: entrust
Spirit: my inner man, my life
So, into Your power, strength, authority, responsibility and care, I entrust my very life, my spirit.
My times are in thy hand . . . (verse 15)
Times: circumstances, courses of times.
But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. (Job 23:10)
He KNOWS the way that I take!!
Ladies, commit your spirit, your life, afresh, into the strong hands of our God. He can be trusted, He knows, intimately every detail of what you are going through.
Stop the fretting, the striving, the working. Run to Him and commit yourself to Him. Commit the circumstances that are weighing you down to Him. No matter how alone you feel in your pain or struggle, He knows, give it to Him and find rest in His hands.
You have a Maker Who loves you with an everlasting love. So great is this love for you that He gave His only Son, for you. Don’t just gloss over that because it is familiar. He.loves.you! Because of the great love with which He loved you, while you were yet dead in your sins Christ died for you!
O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserveth the faithful . . . Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. (Psalm 31:23-24)
I was visiting with a dear friend yesterday. We were leaning over the sink, watching the children and animals run and play. We were talking about how difficult the days were, lamenting over them, really.
I had the thought, ‘what if this IS the way it is supposed to be?
What if this pace, this amount of things getting done in a day, and these things never seeming to get done, the same things happening over and over again—‘what if this is how it’s supposed to be?’
What if I find out twenty years from now, or even on the other side of eternity that the way my days played out, the way the seasons of my life played out were exactly how they were supposed to be?
Imagine the gasp, my hand cupped over my mouth, eyes filling with tears when I realize the hours, the days, the years I longed for my days to be different. You know, more productive, more useful, more organized, more orderly, more ‘whatever’!
What!! Are you serious?! That is how You planned it, and I fought it all those years? I was robbed of the joy and peace that was hidden in the busy, the messy, the often times ugly?
It is a lie, ladies! Today, with it’s often times ugly and busy is full of beauty and grace. Our enemy has us chasing after the ‘perfect’ (or even slightly better would be nice 
But what if we are wrong? What if it is here, in this day—beauty, gift, perfect?
Open our eyes, gracious Father, to the beauty, the perfect, the grace, that You bestow each and every day. Forgive us for not recognizing Your perfect will right before our eyes. Change our hearts, cause our thoughts and desires to line up with Yours. Not my will, but Yours be done.
I stumbled across a beautiful song that ministered to my heart in regards to the recent deliverance from a spirit of guilt from my life.
The words really speak to my heart. Especially the line,
I know you, I love you, I gave my life to save you, Love paid the price for mercy, My verdict, Not Guilty
I stand accused
There’s a list a mile long
Of all my sins
Of everything that I’ve done wrong
I’m so ashamed
There’s nowhere left for me to hide
This is the day
I must answer for my life
My fate is in the Judge’s hands
But then He turns to me and says
I know you
I love you
I gave My life to save you
Love paid the price for mercy
My verdict not guilty
How can it be?
I can’t begin to comprehend
What kind of grace
Would take the place of all my sin?
I stand in awe
Now that I have been set free
And the tears well up as I look at that cross
‘Cause it should have been me
My fate was in the nail scarred hands
He stretched them out for me and said
Chorus
I’m falling on my knees to thank You
With everything I am I’ll praise You
So grateful for the words I heard You say
Drivenness is friends with Performance. I would suspect that the two usually hang out together. If you see one, the other is probably right there too.
For me, it seemed like Drivenness was the drive behind Performance. It always drives and pushes. It likes to use the word ‘should’. You might think things like, ‘I should be doing this or that . . . I should bring a meal, work in the nursery, do more school with the children, keep this house up better . . . I should, I should, I should!’
One thing I want you to notice is the enemy rarely comes at you in the second person, as in, “you should . . .” That would be easier to detect. No, he’s more subtle and uses the first person, “I should”. Therefore, you think it is you having the thoughts, not him. It actually feels like it is just part of your personality.
I am not saying we shouldn’t be doing all those things, but the question is, ‘what spirit is behind it’? Is it the Holy Spirit leading you? Is it the enemy driving you through Drivenness and/or Performance?
That is another point. Do you feel led or driven? Jesus NEVER drives His sheep. He only leads them. The enemy drives and drives hard. It is relentless, eventually. If I am feeling driven to do anything, that is my clue to stop, pray, listen and discern. My goal is to refuse to do anything I feel “driven” to do.
Drivenness will keep you running and chasing and doing, never able to fully enter His rest. Never able to be at peace on the inside. It will even drive you to try and find that peace.
You can see how Performance fits here too, right? If you feel the need to perform to be loved, Drivenness will come along and help you perform. It is a vicious cycle, often ending in various ‘syndromes’, including, Adrenal Fatigue, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, and others.
The enemy doesn’t care, He wants you dead, or at the very least chasing your tail until you collapse. Do not forget the the thief comes to STEAL, KILL AND DESTROY you, your health, your life, your family. He will use anything, even Performance and Drivenness.
When I was delivered from Drivenness last August, it became apparent to me that it had been such a part of who I was, that once it was gone, I felt sort of lost, as though something was missing. (Which is kind of funny, because something was missing, Drivenness! 
I described it as that feeling that whatever was always pushing me from behind was gone. I cried when I realized for the first time in a long time I wasn’t feeling pushed. There was such peace and rest on the inside. Before, I hadn’t realized that that is what it felt like, but now that it was gone, I could really tell. I kept saying, ‘feels like something is missing.’ To which Brian would respond with, ‘um, yeah, a spirit of drivenness.’
Of course there is a ‘walkout’ to this. The temptation to go right back into Drivenness is right there. I have definitely stumbled. I have had countless opportunity to put in to practice what I am learning and it is so cool to handle things without Drivenness! Since last August there have been quite a few big opportunities to walk right back into that crazy mindset. We had my son’s graduation party, a big baptism party, the holidays, a trip to Georgia, starting back at school. I was a totally different person handling these things. I still did what needed to be done, but without the stress and drivenness. I was able to trust God to work things out. If you asked my children today, they would totally agree that Mama is a different person.
I encourage you to examine your motives or the ‘spirit’ behind the things you do. Do you feel like you are always ‘pushed’ and ‘driven’ to do things? Do you lack the inner peace, especially as you set out to accomplish what ‘you’ think needs to be done?
The next time you feel you ‘should’ do something, ask yourself if it is something the Lord would have you do or is there another voice driving you.
While everyone has been sick and laying low, I have been organizing with a frenzy. I have been having a ball! When we are doing school it is hard to find the time to put into re-organizing things, so I took advantage of the ‘off’ time.
This the upper bathroom cabinet before re-organizing. Not bad to start with, but I was inspired to kick it up a notch.
Before picture of the lower cabinet.
This cabinet has been my nemesis for years. It is where we keep our table clothes and pillowcases. It is ALWAYS a mess, and frankly, I have no idea why I didn’t do something about it sooner! Oh, yeah, Adrenal Exhaustion
Before under the sink.
Last cabinet before picture.
Some tips that I have always tried to follow when organizing are:
Here are the ‘after’ pictures! I put darling old fashioned scrapbook paper inside the boxes and printed new labels on clear sticker paper.
Here is a close up of the paper and the label.
Too cute!
The lower cabinet always had towels tumbling out. Yesterday I measured and re-measured and hopped on Amazon and found the perfect size containers to fill my space as completely as I could. Now all the towels, tablecloths and bedding fit neatly and perfectly in the containers. I purged out all the old, raggy towels that don’t get used anyway.
A nice basket for diapers and pull-ups. An out of the way place for lotion making supplies, the scale (which I am convinced should be thrown into the deepest ocean, but that’s another story) and heating pad/packs.
Under the sink was organized and purged.
Purged out hair product container, and a few extra things.
Not bad for a days work, is it? Have you been organizing this Spring?
"See, I do all these things, there, do you love me?" "Am I valuable?" "Can I stay here and take up space and oxygen just one more day? (these are the unspoken thoughts that we often don't know are behind the performance)
This is what it looks and feels like to have listened to the lies of an unloving/anti-Christ spirit for years. Nothing you ever do is good enough. Maybe if I just do it perfectly, or do more, or do it better, then, maybe then I'll 'feel' loved.
These are all lies! If you hear these things or have your own version of these thoughts you have got to know THEY ARE ALL LIES from the enemy of your soul, the accuser of the brethren.
Maybe you don't even recognize them as separate thoughts yet, the lies are such a part of who you are. I know I didn't for years. No matter how many times Brian or others would try to tell me, I just didn't see it. Deep down in my core I believed I had to somehow earn my right to exist because I was so bad. I would reason in my head, if they really knew how awful I am they wouldn't be saying that.
You and I are NOT loved based on what we do or if we do it good enough!
We are accepted and loved based on what Jesus did, not what we do. Imagine life without the feeling of always having to do and do and do and do it perfectly. Trust me when I say I am beginning to see just how beautiful and restful it is. Such peace. Peace I have been striving to have for years.
You are a new creature, old things have passed away, behold all things are become new. (not already all the way 'have' become new, but are becoming, so quit looking at your failures ;-))
You are reconciled to God by Jesus Christ! (reconciled implies that God has laid aside His wrath and has taken our sin upon Himself and became an atonement)
He is no longer holding your sins, mistakes, errors, faults, wrong doings against you! (why are you?)
I beseech you, be ye reconciled to God--you already are in the Spirit--but be ye reconciled in your mind!
For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for you so that YOU could become the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. You are the righteousness of God!
You already are good enough! He made you 'good enough'!
You have been justified (made righteousness) by faith and you have PEACE WITH GOD!
He is crazy about you! You are standing in the grace, the absolute freeness of His loving-kindness.
He loves you so much, that even while you were a stinking mess, in a state of complete wretchedness, completely godless, Christ died for you. That is how He showed His love, He actually died for you when you were 'worthless'.
He has made you worthy. Nothing you could ever do could make Him love you more. You just need to believe it and receive His love.
Behold, what manner of love the Father has bestowed upon us that we should become sons of God. . .
YOU are a child of God! You are good enough!
Do you recognize any of these lies? Doe you live a life of performance and have no clue why you do? Do you struggle with the thought that your Father loves you right here, right now, at this level of sanctification and yuck? He does!
Well, not quite everyone, but it feels like that when seven out of the eight children, at home, are sick!
It looks like the children all have the flu. Fevers for days, cough, headaches, painful chest, completely wiped out for days, yep, sounds like the flu, or at least a very nasty cold.
I thought I would share some things we do during times like this. Actually, it is very rare, as these children are extremely healthy. This is the first virus we have dealt with all season.
I highly recommend DVDs watching when everyone is so miserable. The children watch about an hour of TV a week, (19 Kids and Counting) so this is a treat. Who wants to read when their eyes are watering from fever and the head is pounding? We pull out the Little House on the Prairie series, Christy and Anne of Green Gables. This is one time I am okay with vegging out in front of the TV.
When I was little and sick we got popsicles or slushies from the Dairy Queen. (how I survived 
Into the blender:
Blend and serve in disposable plastic cups. (so you can just toss them) You absolutely cannot taste the spinach and these taste amazing! I was slurping them down today too.
Now is a good time to whip up some nourishing chicken soup. If you have been making your own broth and have some stashed in the freezer, pull it out, slice some carrots and celery, add some broken spaghetti noodles and viola, better than Mrs. Grass’ Chicken Soup (which is what I had as a kid)
Can I just say that it apparently takes a lot of team work to keep this house running. I am blessed with wonderfully helpful children. What I am trying to say is THEY DO A LOT! And I am so thankful for them.
Even with a house full of sick children, I did have a delightful morning. They were all watching Little House on the Prairie (even the ‘bigs’ but don’t tell them I told you) and I was doing laundry, scouring out sinks, wiping down toilets, washing a few walls and organizing some papers. All things that often feel like luxuries when your days are filled with managing and schooling! I know, a bit crazy, but I love to scour me out a sink, and I rarely get the opportunity to do it. It did help that my computer died and I had to wait for my son to come home.
Recap: Flu = DVDs, Slushies and Chicken Noodle soup!
Pray would be appreciated
‘I love myself.’ I was sort of surprised that it flowed out of me onto my computer screen. I was leaving a comment and I typed. ‘I love myself’ ‘I love who I am and who God is making me into’
It sort of shocked me. You see, for years, and years, probably my whole life, I have really not liked myself. Actually, I hated myself, or at least parts of me.
Armed with the understanding that these are ALL lies from the enemy, freedom has and is coming. As I continue to walk out my healing and deliverance, more and more lies are exposed and chain after chain falls off of me.
With the recent release from a spirit of guilt, my eyes have been opened to even more lies I have listened to. Once guilt was gone, I realized that God created me, is pleased with me right now, at this level of sanctification and maturity, and loves me with an everlasting love. (I know we all give ‘lip-service’ to these truths, but until we really believe them and act upon them, it is just that, lip-service.) In fact, He loved me at my absolute lowest level of sanctification!
For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. . . But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8)
“without strength” in the above verse means, ‘powerless, in a state of wretchedness’
“commendeth” means, to ‘declare, show, make known’
Furthermore,
But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus: That in the ages to come he might show the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. (Eph. 2:4-7)
When I was dead in my sins!!
Do you know that it is actually a sin to hate or even dislike yourself? A sin to not love yourself? What is the greatest and first commandment?
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. (Matthew 22:37-39)
I believe this implies that we are to love ourselves. If our Father loves us . . . if He sent His Son to die for us . . . if He created us, fearfully and wonderfully . . . if in Him, we are the righteousness of God . . . what right do we have to hate ourselves?
Are you hard on yourself? Your own worst critic?
Does the sound of your own voice make you cringe?
Do you always feel like ‘it’ is your fault? (whatever ‘it’ is)
Do you feel like you never do it good enough?
Like you will never get it right?
Do you hate to have your picture taken because you are so, {fill in the blank}?
Do you never measure up in your own mind?
Do you struggle with perfectionism, competition, comparison, guilt, self-condemnation, constant need for approval???
These are lies that we have believed for years. They are so much a part of us that we don’t even recognize them. If we really believed the Truth, the above questions would be shocking to us, but they aren’t, are they?
I encourage you to take this to the Lord and have Him search your heart. Ask Him to reveal the core lies that you have been listening to for years. Recognize and take responsibility for listening to these lies. Repent for participating with them and believing them. Remove them in the name of Jesus.
Begin to renew your mind with the Truth. It is the Truth that makes us free. Let your Father speak to your heart. Wash your mind with the water of the Word. Refuse to listen to the lies anymore!
I have to say that loving my neighbor is the easiest thing in the world! Well, mostly because it is Farmgirl Cyn! We have much in common. We both love our God passionately. We love all things cooking. We adore all things sourdough. We’re both short, though she is way shorter than me 
My children all adore her. She walks in the door and they gather around to hear what she has to say. She often comments that she should sell tickets. We rarely get a moment alone, as they hang on her every word, but I don’t mind, this is one lady I love them getting to know!
She makes the most amazing crackers, for which we barter eggs. I totally get the better end of the stick, these crackers rock!
She also supplies my family with the most wonderfully pure soap. It is such good soap. It doesn’t dry your skin out and you feel just plain old clean. When I found out that she actually will ship it, I just had to let you all know. It is an awesome price. It is made with all natural ingredients, organic where possible, with none of those icky chemicals!
My wonderful neighbor, Cindy, was even ‘interviewed’ by Joni, from Old Centennial Farmhouse about her soap. Check it out.
Hop on over to Cindy, aka FarmgirlCyn. Scrubbing Bubbles is the post about her soap.
