Friday, August 20, 2010

It Finally Happened, I Repented First!

We ran a bunch of errands last night. Everyone was tired, some little ones crabby. Dear husband was graciously going from place to place so I could find some things I needed. We even went to Walmart, which I don't like and he DESPISES. He so sweetly helped me find what I needed, even bringing me different sizes to the dressing room. Did I mention he despises Walmart???
This man works all day, comes home and is rushed out the door. Handles all of the children so I can get what I need done. All the while just laying down his will. Dealing with a very tired and unreasonable almost 3 year old, again, so I can get what I need. Big trip to Costco, in and out of other stores.

We get home late. Children are not getting to bed as they should. He is the one who puts the children to bed, so the burden of all this is on him. He is growing impatient and is not handling things as perfectly as I think he should.
Recap, worked all day, rushed out the door for a trip that mostly revolved around ME, crabby children, all eight of them with us, confusion and chaos that just comes with a large family, a slightly less than supportive wife, Costco products everywhere, children not in bed when they should be, late at night, bible to read . . . you get the picture, right?

I am about to tell you how this SHOULD be handled and then how I actually DID handle it!
When he grew impatient and was beginning to 'lose it', I should have come along side him and helped him out! I should have said, 'it's okay, I have this one'. Pulled him aside and quietly given him some facts he didn't have on a situation so he might handle it differently.
How DID I handle it?
I continued going about what I needed to do and then, when he needed my support most, snapped (rather harshly) "Just an FYI . . . so and so really did this, not what you thought!"


But here is the really encouraging and redeeming thing in this whole yucky story. I was immediately convicted of how awful I was and what a horrible example I just was for the older children just sitting there with jaws dropped. Thank You, Holy Spirit! In the shower I was praying that God would soften my heart, make me able to separate him from the sin, go and repent to him. I didn't 'feel' anything different, as usual.

I got out the shower marched in the bedroom and without even thinking went right up to him and repented for being so harsh and not being his help meet in that situation. It was a very tender moment, we cried and prayed. I went out and repented to my children for my behaviour.
But wait! It gets better! Later, he said to me, "you melted my heart earlier". I was oblivious to what he was talking about. He said, "that was the first time you came to me first with a softened heart and repented to me."
OUCH! He was right. He ALWAYS repents first. I don't like that about me. I feel awful that it has always been that way. I've tried to, I pray, even in the middle of my hardness of heart and I can't ever seem to 'let it go'. But tonight was different! God had done something in my heart. Something broke, finally.
And to add just one more really cool aspect. Just that morning the Lord had showed me some areas of self-hatred, guilt and shame that I repented of and renounced. Normally, when Brian would share something like this with me, I would feel just awful about it and beat myself up for a very long time. Lament about how I wish I was different and apologize over and over again. Well, I started down that road and immediately recognized the self-hatred, guilt and shame and refused to go down under it! I chose to praise God instead of beat myself up and break the old pattern of thinking!

Two HUGE patterns were broken last night! I am not sure I will always handle it right, but in both of these scenarios it was a huge breakthrough. Maybe next time I might even get my focus off myself before a blow-up even happens. There is a novel idea ;-)
Press in ladies, continue to seek Jesus, trust HE is changing us from glory to glory!


Kim said...

When reading your post today, these scriptures came to my mind.

"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement."

We have been married for almost 21 years and have seen how when I behave as I should my husbands heart is convicted in Christ without me saying a word. I also see how things are more peaceful.

Hope you have a great day and enjoy what God will teach you today!

cooperkelly4 said...

Thanks for sharing your heart today. It can be so discouraging to continually miss the mark (and for me often in the same areas over and over) One thing I have noticed is that as I am getting these area right, it is happening less and less and that is encouraging. Of course I want it to be none, but I'll take fewer and farther. Learning to be sanctified here too...Kelly

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

You're doing good, Michelle. We've all had days like this. The key to Christian living and relationship with Jesus is true repentance. You know what to do and you chose to do it. Obedience is better than sacrifice. God bless you!

Wanting What I Have said...

I got chills reading this. I am very much that same way. My sweet husband is normally the first to repent. Thank you for being vulnerable and transparent and for sharing this. You encourage me to love Jesus more and to obey.

Coby said...

This was so encouraging - I KNOW I've experienced this, and I know God has set me free, and I know I need MORE deliverance in this area (of being a help-meet, tender-hearted, going to my husband first and repenting).

You mentioned something that I think is so key - about how after you prayed you didn't 'feel' any different. I'm finally figuring it out - it's not about how I feel, and feelings should not drive my response to circumstances or my faith. I just humble myself and obey.

Thank you.

Josh and Kelly said...

Oh He is doing a great thing! Happy to praise Him with you! In me as well, His sanctifying grace is helping me crucify flesh. And have lately been striving to thank Him when my kids wake me at 6am... not because I love the morning but how it is making me choose others ahead of myself (and not get cranky about it!). Thanks for your encouragement!

Natalieh said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I want you to know, Michelle, that you have really been used by YHWH in my life. Your humility, passion, and love shine through your blog and I am so blessed, encouraged, and convicted. I am so looking forward to meeting you and your husband in a week. Blessings to you, sweet sister. May you have a lovely week. <3