Sunday, December 21, 2008

Strange Hedges Indeed

The Lord has been dealing with me to be thankful in all things, and to be content. Life is so hard sometimes. I don't understand why I can't seem to get victory in certain areas or why the physical pain, lack of sleep, hormone issues, ect. It seems I am doing all I can. Believing all I know to. What, Lord, are you showing me? I feel so 'hedged' in.

Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' (Hosea 2:6-7)

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. (Hosea 8:14-15)

Lord, I love this picture You are giving me, help me to see it more clearly.

You, by Your mercy have hedged me in with thorns, that is, weaknesses, lack of sleep, lack of health, physical pain, such a sense of inadequacy with being a mama. The list goes on and on. I tend to want to chase after my "lovers", that is, my will, my ideas, things I am interested and want to do. (research, projects, cleaning, organizing, baking, cooking etc.)

You won't let me. I 'don't overtake them' and 'shall not find them'. I am unable to do all I want, so I return to You. Your plans, Your will, the very desires of my heart~my husband, children~You, all I am called to do here.

For I know this is far better, yet my heart tends to wander and is so easily distracted. It strays. I cannot keep it where it should be. I inevitably find myself down the wrong path. As I go off to sleep at night my heart is heavy because yet again I chased "my lovers".

But You, so rich in mercy hedge me in. All these things I lament, all of them are Your mercy towards me. They are gifts, sent to guide and keep my heart!

When I lie on my bed at night and plead with You to make me a good mama, turn my heart toward my children. Cause my heart to want to listen and play and laugh and disciple. Make me gentle and patient. Let me love like Jesus. Don't let me waste my time. Teach me to number my days. Show me how to make the most of every opportunity. Teach me all I need to know to train and disciple these littles...

You hear from heaven the deepest longings of my heart. And, in Your mercy and love You hedge me in. The sleepless nights or physical pain, it causes me to slow down and as I do I hear Your voice more clearly. It is not just something I hear in the background as I am whirling through my day. I recognize the needs of the littles more. I hear their cry for training. I have slowed down enough to tie a shoe or kiss a sweet face.

The utter inadequacies I feel when I access this calling of "mamahood"are the very things that keep me on my knees crying out for wisdom. The very inability in me causes me to cling desperately to You, my Strength, my Wisdom.

So many more things You allow and even bring into my life to hedge and fence me in. How foolish of me to resist and complain. To lament the very precious gifts You send in all these hedges and hindrances.

"These hedges and hindrances are right for us or else He would quickly remove them"

Thank You Lord Jesus for Your mercy poured out to this rebellious, self-seeking woman. I bow before Your infinite wisdom and love.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Oh Amen! Thank you for sharing this; it brought tears to my eyes. We have been going through some trials for the past three years with the past year and a half being especially hard. Most have been due to my chronic health issues and all the areas affected by them. Your post spoke right to me, right down to the sleepless nights! The Lord has been so good to teach me many precious lessons through these hard times and your words have been added to the"Encouragement" file in my mind. :-) God bless.