Lest some of you think everyday I am just sailing through these spiritual trials, let me assure I am not! Today was a perfect example of when I am not! When I write posts like Out of Darkness Comes Great Treasures, I must be having a 'good' moment. I am also trying to encourage others, because truth be told, even the trials and afflictions are good. So often, though, they do not feel good, nor do they bring out the best in me.
Today was one of those days when the weariness of the trial becomes so overwhelming that I just want to quit! In my journal this morning I found myself almost yelling at God. All the exclamation points gave it away! Not in a disrespectful way, just passionate ;-) I am sure on the inside my arms were folded, my bottom lip out and I was stomping my feet.
A peek inside my journal:
Nothing appears to have changed! I think I am resting in You or surrendered only to be stressed and striving! I am tired of it and I don't know how to stop! You keep telling me the same thing over and over again, but I don't know how! I feel like it is telling a person with no legs to walk!
I feel like maybe You are wearing me out until I finally give. I don't want to care so much, I just want it to be done! I am tired of fighting! I am tired of not knowing, I am tired of the struggle in my mind, I feel like I am going crazy! I can't seem to do anything, I can't even stop, rest, surrender! I just want to quit!!!
Super spiritual, huh? Then I read a line like this:
"They ( the martyrs) kissed the stake at which they suffered such cruelty."
His sweet word to me yesterday:
"Rest, My child. The battle is not yours, it is Mine. I appreciate your desire to work and to do, but it is not your work, it is Mine. It is grace, My grace, not your works, that bring about the things you desire. I have told you to return to Me, rest in Me, but you go off and speed your own course. Here I sit, waiting for you to realize you have once again run on ahead. You wear yourself out trying so hard on your own. I really mean it when I say " I am your strength, I will fight your battles." Return to Me, rest in Me. It is not longer you, Michelle, you have died, it is I who lives in you.
This He gives me one day, and the very next day I am throwing a temper tantrum! Can you believe His long-suffering and mercy?!
How's that for a dose of reality?