Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Good Days and Bad Days

Lest some of you think everyday I am just sailing through these spiritual trials, let me assure I am not! Today was a perfect example of when I am not! When I write posts like Out of Darkness Comes Great Treasures, I must be having a 'good' moment. I am also trying to encourage others, because truth be told, even the trials and afflictions are good. So often, though, they do not feel good, nor do they bring out the best in me.

Today was one of those days when the weariness of the trial becomes so overwhelming that I just want to quit! In my journal this morning I found myself almost yelling at God. All the exclamation points gave it away! Not in a disrespectful way, just passionate ;-) I am sure on the inside my arms were folded, my bottom lip out and I was stomping my feet.

A peek inside my journal:

Nothing appears to have changed! I think I am resting in You or surrendered only to be stressed and striving! I am tired of it and I don't know how to stop! You keep telling me the same thing over and over again, but I don't know how! I feel like it is telling a person with no legs to walk!

I feel like maybe You are wearing me out until I finally give. I don't want to care so much, I just want it to be done! I am tired of fighting! I am tired of not knowing, I am tired of the struggle in my mind, I feel like I am going crazy! I can't seem to do anything, I can't even stop, rest, surrender! I just want to quit!!!

Super spiritual, huh? Then I read a line like this:
"They ( the martyrs) kissed the stake at which they suffered such cruelty."


His sweet word to me yesterday:

"Rest, My child. The battle is not yours, it is Mine. I appreciate your desire to work and to do, but it is not your work, it is Mine. It is grace, My grace, not your works, that bring about the things you desire. I have told you to return to Me, rest in Me, but you go off and speed your own course. Here I sit, waiting for you to realize you have once again run on ahead. You wear yourself out trying so hard on your own. I really mean it when I say " I am your strength, I will fight your battles." Return to Me, rest in Me. It is not longer you, Michelle, you have died, it is I who lives in you.

This He gives me one day, and the very next day I am throwing a temper tantrum! Can you believe His long-suffering and mercy?!
How's that for a dose of reality?


Camille said...

Continuing to pray...God IS Faithful...He WILL bring you through..."My Strength is made perfect in weakness" and "I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you" and "the battle is the Lord's" and "When I am weak, then I am strong" all keep coming to mind as I sit here thinking of what to write to you. Hang in there...one day at a time...moment by moment!

(Psalm 91 and Hebrews 12:1-3)

Hannah said...

Hi Michelle! I recently came across your blog and I wanted you to know how much you have encouraged me. I am a Christian young woman who is also suffering adrenal fatigue.

Thank you for being so open and honest!

I am trying to start a blog documenting my journey to wellness.

I will be adding your button to my sidebar!

Blessings to you.

Jennifer said...

So glad to see you writing again! I so totally relate to everything you write. I've missed you! Praying for you!


Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

What beautiful words from a beautiful Savior. Oh, don't you just love it when He speaks into your very soul. We forget so quickly and run back to our old habits even after having a Word like that. We can relate to Peter denying Him so quickly after he said, "I would never desert you". We are so human and He is so God. It is a wonder why He puts up with us, but I'm so glad that He does. He is amazing, loving and good. You will get through this and you are shining, even in your humanness. God bless you, Michelle.

rebecca said...

I know you have been taking time off to heal and I pray you are doing just that. I also pray you and your family had a Blessed Thanksgiving and didn't eat too much:))
I have to say that when I come and visit your blog you always bring tears to my eyes. Your words about the battle not being mine but His has made me cry because the older I become the more I realize just how true that is.
Thank you for all you share and allow the Lord to use you.
God Bless,
PS thank you for the email you sent me, I really appreciate it.

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Thank you for being so honest about your bad days. We all need to see a bit more of this from others and not the "perfection" we often portray. Even on those bad days God still works in us and through us. I am praying for you friend!

busymomof10 said...

Thanks for being REAL in sharing your struggles. Your words are always a blessing to read! Thank you for sharing what you felt and how God met you right where you were! This was a blessing to read.

Betsy Markman said...

I can SO relate! I feel like a spiritual yo-yo. I'm so glad that He is so patient with us!

Unknown said...

I cannot believe how similar your journal entries are to mine. I met your mom at FML in June and then was there again in July with my whole family. I started reading your post from the beginning (I am only to this point right now). I had been trying desperately to apply the BIH principles on my own at home for 2 years. It did not really work too well. I even tried to do the FML online version -- I went into panic attacks every time I watched the teachings.
This journey has certainly seemed very long (started in Feb 2010) and I know I have learned so much. I do believe I am changing and my spirit man is FINALLY getting stronger b/c of the knowledge I am choosing to apply. But I do get caught up in some moments in striving and wondering, "WAIT! Did I take that thought/feeling captive or did it get me." You know that stupid anxiety that tries to tell you that you just blew it and you are going to end up at your lowest point you have ever been in. Can you tell I am walking out of Self Pity? uh, just a little bit.......generations worth!
Your mom told me to check out your blog. My jaw drops as I progress through it. I cannot believe how similar our thoughts and physical issues are. The last thing my dr. wanted to do at my March appt was have me testing in June for adrenal failure. They could not pin point any other reason for my strange and ongoing symptoms. I started researching my dr (that I had only gone to for about 5 months, but was HIGHLY recommended and found that the office is tightly knit with a treatment facility that incorporates many ancient germanic healing modalities. I knew I did not feel right there.) and figured I could not stay there. So, I never had the test done for adrenal fatigue.
I do feel that a lot of the issues that I struggled with over the last three years come from fear/unloving/occult/and self pity. And I laugh b/c I have never been involved in the "occult" per say. Just religious occult which I had no idea existed until BIH.
All this to say I AM READING! And I cannot wait to see how this story turns out. In part I am so glad I came late to the game so that I can see the transformation that God does in your life as I read. I mean I can see the transformation in your mom just by the bit she told me about her own story. I love her so much. I told her I wished I could be her best friend. And now after reading your blog I wish I could be yours!!!
I will continue to comment :)
Thank you so much for being faithful to do this!!!!
Patience Joy