I shared how amazing the experience was and how the Lord was allowing me to do and live dreams that were long since buried. I felt so alive and sure this is, in part, what I was created to do.
So why the anxiety over doing another one? He was so faithful at the first. I learned beyond a shadow of doubt that it was all HIM that I was able to speak and share my heart, and that I was called to do this.
Weeks before, I found myself realizing that at this Expo there would be people I knew. Fear of man whispered, ‘what will they think?’ And the need to be accepted and loved by others, old lies began to resurface. What if I messed up, what if I am wrong and this really isn’t God? What if . . .?
I had a TV spot a couple days before that I was unusually nervous for too. What was up? This kind of thing is right up my alley! This is another whole lesson, I will share in another post.
The first day I battled anxiety, read fear, the whole day. Each time before I would go on stage, the battle was intense. This was very unusual for me. Brian was even concerned from the moment I woke up that day, my face was heavy, I just couldn’t get ‘happy’ and I was so tired. I wasn’t me. I made it through the first three talks, but didn’t feel good about them. Everyone else said it was great, but I knew deep inside that I was battling, and it didn’t feel right.
The second day, woke up the same, heavy, down, and dragging. The first talk was ‘okay’, but I was drained and very discouraged. How on earth was I going to do four more talks??
I went up to my dressing room for some time alone. Brian had brought my bible. I sent up a panic prayer, ‘Lord, your word is my strength and food, I need You.’ I began reading Psalm 27. I was distracted and had to keep bringing myself back to it. I began reading it out loud. The more I read, the more my shoulders began to stand tall. I was feeling stronger.
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh,
My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I will be confident.
For in the time of trouble
He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle
He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.
I realized I had been fighting with the enemy this whole time and he is defeated! That is why I was so tired, I was battling a defeated foe. It was like a light bulb went off, he is defeated, why am I fighting him!!??
And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me;
Therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord
I began to see myself, high upon a rock, lifted high above my enemies! Why on earth was I fighting? There was nothing to fight. I already won! I began to praise Him and thank Him.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
My heart was so strengthened! I literally felt the heaviness leave me. My face felt different, it was lighter, I could smile. By the time I got back down stairs I was totally revived and renewed. Ready to ‘knock it out of the park’. I had confidence (in Him) and strength to go and shine for Him.
While I was physically tired because of the long hours, my spirit was soaring and I was able to give it ‘my all’ the rest of the weekend. It was so beautiful to experience. I love how He teaches and leads us in every single situation of life. It was a big lesson for me. I praise Him for the first four talks that were so hard and the stuff I was battling. And I praise Him for the lesson up there in my dressing room.
I am not saying there is not a place and time for some serious spiritual battling. What I am saying, in this situation, the spiritual battle was recognizing the fact that, in Christ, I already win! I spent way too much energy fighting and rebuking and repenting. What a waste of precious energy. How about this. ‘Nope, not fighting you, I win, the Lord is my Strength, I am high above upon a rock and my head is above my enemies. I will be of good courage and go forth, in faith, in the power of HIS might. Period.