Monday, December 6, 2010

Can I Trust if the Door is Closing

My ‘baby’ is three years old today! It seems so odd to not be pregnant yet. Though I was pregnant last summer and we lost that baby in October.

Elijah David

At my age, 44, you start to wonder if this wonderful door of childbearing is closing. Certainly there have been hormonal changes, health issues (now healed, praise the Lord) and just the simple fact that there will one day be an end.

I try not to be too sad, not letting my heart and mind wander, choosing to be thankful and trust no matter what. This past month I started to feel very queasy one day with no explanation. It went on for a few days. I started to get excited even though I was only just past mid-cycle. I reasoned that I had ovulated early and that if God was answering my prayers for twin girls that would explain why I felt sick already. Within a couple of days I had found out possible due dates using due-date calculators online. I checked to see just how big my baby (babies;-) was at this exact time. All this without a missed period!

My hopes were dashed when one night I began having mild hot flashes, of all things! Only to find out a few hours later that I had my period. Oh bother.

It is incredibly easy to take fertility for granted. It is extremely common for woman to choose to ‘close the door’ on their own. Do we realize that children are a gift, a blessing, a reward?? Somehow I doubt we really understand it, myself included.

So, while it has been hard in years past to trust the Lord with how many ‘blessings’ He might bestow, I am finding it equally challenging to trust Him with when He might close the door. But, one thing I know, He is WORTHY of my trust! He does all things well and I will praise Him come whatever.

I will soak up this fast becoming independent and charming three year old. I will enjoy this precious season we are in because each and every season is a gift from our Father, whether we see it as a gift or not.


Mrs. Stam said...

maybe it's time for grand children :-) My mother in law is not much older then you and this Christmas she will be a grandmother of 9 blessing! She love holding her babies:-)

Natalieh said...

Oh, that Elijah is so beautiful. I can't wait to play with him, and see you again. You are so beautiful, and this post made me want to start having babies already. :P Of course, I am happy to wait on Abba for my husband. Praise Him. ;)

Missionfieldof5 said...

Oh I am right there with you, at 43 and my youngest is 9 mo. I desire more children, however, my husband is not on the same page as I am :( I am praying that the Lord would soften his heart and we would be blessed again sometime in the next year. In the meantime, I too, am enjoying every minute of these precious days as my littlest grows up.

Ellen said...

Oh what a wonderful post that I so needed. ♥
You have a darling little man...what eyes! Such sweetness. ♥

Regan Family Farm said...

Stinkin' online calculator!!! Hee hee! Ok, in all seriousness, I LOVE that there is a remnant of God's people that get excited at the prospect of bearing children at our age. You know I'm with you, sister.

L.H. said...

Wow! I am 28 years old and 34 weeks preggo with baby #4. My oldest is 5. I also have a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

To read what you have written here really challenges me. I honestly cannot imagine a day when I will be trusting the Lord in relation to him "closing the womb"

I think that at this point I spend so much energy trying to be trust that I won't feel "overwhelmed" with how many children he might allow me to have, that my fertility is easily taken for granted. Of course, I don't want to do that.

Thanks for sharing this post, it helps to keep things in the right perspective. You are right that children are a blessing from the Lord and fertility is blessing that will not last forever. I hope God will help me to embrace it as such while I am in this season, so I won't regret anything when I'm older.

God bless.

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I have to speak for those of us who trust the Lord, but have also felt a peace about not activiely trying for children due to health issues. I still count all my children as immense blessings. I enjoy my children as much as I can in every season because I know that I have taken my fertility for granted in the past. I also know that if He chose to bless us again, despite the health issues I would rejoice, knowing God would not give me anything that He would not help me handle. God is good. He has blessed me with eight blessings, two in heaven and six on earth. I am content...