Thursday, December 6, 2012

Mixed Emotions

What a strange place I find myself in, my ‘baby’ turning five today.  I remember the years filled with fear that we’d have so many babies, more than we could handle.  Fear that childbearing would never end.IMG_3652

I was just turning 30 when we knelt down together, fully convinced and convicted that You are sovereign over the womb. That YOU were to be in control of every area of our lives, not us.

I remember thinking, ‘menopause happens around 50 right?  Do you know how many children we could possibly mess up in 20 years?’

I remember it was with blind, shaky faith that we made You Lord over that area.  It gave new meaning to the words ‘fear and trembling’.

Sixteen years later, it has been an incredible journey. Never did I imagine the testing, the stretching, the faith-growing trials that would follow that decision.  Nor could I have imagined NOT having a baby every 15 months or so. All the fears that were so unfounded, what a waste.  All the insane amount of blessings that did result from that decision, I marvel.

Here I am, the last ‘baby’ I have gotten to hold on this side of heaven, so far, turning five! (there are six more in heaven I’ll hold one day) 

When did five become so old? 

I am 46 years old-hormones often off the charts.  I am unsure if I will ever carry another precious gift in my womb, or feel those tiny kicks.  Will I nurture a baby at my breast, in the dark of night when all is quiet?

All those years I almost feared there would be no end.  Is it now I fear this ‘is’ the end?

No, I trust You.  Period.  Over and over You have demonstrated Your faithfulness to us.  I have no doubt You will continue to do so.

But let’s be real, You know my heart.  So, as I put a smile on my face to celebrate my ‘baby’ turning five, there’s a mixture of emotions.  The tears I wipe away are ones of deep gratitude for the privilege of being a mama to him, but also a deeper understanding of the truth that children really and truly are a blessing; a gift from You.  One, I’ll admit, I have taken for granted.  Forgive me.

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Happy Birthday, Elijah David!  You bring so much joy!  I love your little boy snuggles each morning.

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4 comments:

Theresa said...

Happy Birthday to your handsome boy!
I just turned 40 and am having similar feelings. How is it that the time goes so fast?!

busymomof10 said...

Happy Birthday! What fun to have a birthday on 12-12-12! ;)

I TOTALLY understand your mixed emotions and how you trusted the Lord with faith and fear mingled together. I remember saying, "Lord, I could have TEN children!!!!" ;)

God's ways are so not our ways! So thankful He put into our hearts to trust Him to be our Birth Controller!!!


On another topic -- I LOVE your new look!!! Blog looks GREAT!

blessings,
Elizabeth

Jenn said...

Happy Birthday to your sweet little man!!!

angela said...

I NEEDED this so much today. Thank you. I found out recently that I'm pregnant with #5 and we as a family are over the moon about it, but what started with the last pregnancy and is getting worse each time is the reaction I get from other people (family, friends, strangers). They think we have gone crazy. It's hard to not question yourself sometimes, but I know what I believe and why... I also have figured out along the way that children are the only thing worth spending your time and money on!!! Anyway, I coudl go on and on forever, but JUST KNOW THAT I NEEDED THIS TODAY AND I CAME HERE LOOKING FOR ENCOURAGEMENT! From the bottom of my heart thank you.