Friday, September 25, 2015

What I Truly Long For

Here is what I scribbled down on a piece of scrap paper, in no particular order. It took me all of one minute to have this list fall out of me. I had forgotten what my beliefs and desires were.

BE A WOMAN OF PRAYER: yes, I pray and have prayed, but I do not take the time to be the woman of prayer I really desire to be.

PRAY FOR MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN: again, of course I pray for them, but as fervently and unceasingly as I desire?? I think not. I let ‘life’ (and I think you know what I mean by ‘life’) use me, drain me and I give myself to so many urgent things, while the very important things get pushed the side.

KEEPING AND RUNNING MY HOME WELL! This one hit me square in the eyes, as HELLO, my original blog is actually called, She Looketh Well, to what? The ways of her household. Are we doing fine, absolutely, BUT, am I managing and running this home as I once desired and long to do. It is crazy, but one of the things that feeds my soul is scouring out the kitchen sink. I love doing things like this, but am so BUSY. Yes, I scoured the kitchen sink the other day and cleaned out and organized two cabinets. Felt good, felt like I was living who I am.

MODELING GODLY WOMANHOOD TO MY DAUGHTERS, and sons, for that matter: is a mama who is always distracted, always busy, always chasing knowledge, always saying, just a minute, what I want to model. When God showed me this, I was convicted over and over again of all the areas I am NOT modeling what I want to these kids. I am not saying I don’t do lots of really good things, but He is gently showing me the areas that seriously need to be kicked up a notch.

MEDITATE ON THE WORD ‘DAY AND NIGHT’: how I used to study His word like a crazy woman! Yes, I still read His word, yes, I still see and hear Him leading, but I have lost my first ‘true love’ for Him and His word. For several years now it has been dry and forced. He is always and forever ‘there’, but my heart is so full of distractions, the things of this word, the flame is barely a flicker. This is not who I am, but who I have allowed myself to become.

KEEP A CALM AND UNDISTURBED MIND: I was convicted of this YEARS ago. A calm and undisturbed mind is life and health to the flesh. I have allowed the calm and undisturbed to be drained from me. No longer do I sit quietly, not chasing, not doing, not multitasking, not learning something new. No longer do I read books. Creativity is a struggle because I have given so much of my energy and peace away to the things of this world. I used to love to read books. Love to just puts, organizing something, making something in my home pretty, lighting a candle and feeling the breeze. Nope, on a treadmill to nowhere and someone keeps turning the speed up.

I loved this quote.”I have accomplished much, but lived little.” So true of my life these past few years.

BE PRESENT AND ‘AVAILABLE’: I don’t need to say much about this, but I can assure you, I am NOT, NOT, NOT present most of the time. My mind is always on half a dozen things, or checking my phone, or skimming articles as if there were some deadline. I do NOT want my kids to grow up with a picture of their mama, head down on the phone or computer all the time. Oh, I excuse it away, multi-tasking, nobody does it better than me! Or being ‘productive’, not wasting time, making the most of the time. UGH, sure, I was doing all those, but for the WRONG purpose!! I was making the most of my time so I could learn more, do more, be more . . . all except to be more PRESENT for my husband, children.

TRAIN MY CHILDREN ON PURPOSE, not by happenstance or on the defensive. Again, not like I don’t deal with situations and my kids are awesome, sinners, but awesome. But I have lost sight of the great calling to train and disciple them. I deal with things as the come, most of the time, though, shamefully, I let way more go than I probably should. Not in the name of grace, but because it is easier and so much ‘less fun’ than what I am doing in the moment. I don’t purpose to train them like I used to.

There you have it, a bold confession. Letting you peer right into my sinful heart. The really cool thing, as the Lord shows me this, I don’t feel the least bit of condemnation. I know I am a good mama and wife and homemaker, I just think He is taking me up a level, cleaning up much of my sloppiness and neglect. He doesn’t do this because He is mad at me and, man-O-mister, am I such a failure. Nope, He knows who He created me to be, what brings me greatest joy and fulfillment, and He is gently leading me back to who I am. I am so thankful!! So humbled by His mercy. But I do know this will not be easy and will cost a lot. But I am ready. I am sick of the old way. I want out. I want free. I want to live, truly LIVE!! I want to be the true me. I want to live a life of integrity, meaning living a life according to my beliefs and convictions. And girls, there are something that seriously need to go!!

Lord willing, more later. What are your goals and convictions? Are you living them? You don't have to share here if you don't want to, just giving you something to think about. Thanks for 'listening' it was good to get it out.

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