Twenty Years ago . . .

Twenty years ago today, two people came close to stepping over into eternity. One a teeny, yet unborn precious baby girl and the other, her mama.

Today we celebrate Victoria’s life. She is the most amazing daughter. After three rambunctious, denim overall wearing boys I had all but given up on having any pink in my world. I had grown accustomed to Tonka trucks and mud pies.

When we found out I was pregnant we were thrilled, but honestly, I was too afraid to believe it might be a girl. We tried to find out via ultrasound, but thanks to scar tissue from previous C-sections and a breech baby, we couldn’t tell. No matter how much jumping up and down and pleading I did between scans.

This little one was flipped upside down right up until the day of birth. We scheduled an appointment at the hospital in hopes of flipping this baby head down. In the middle of the procedure, the baby’s heart rate dropped and it turned into an emergency situation. In a matter of minutes, a very few minutes, I was whisked away leaving my terrified and confused husband behind.

The last thing I remember is a very kind doctor telling me to count backwards from ten. I think I got to seven. In those few seconds I knew there was chaos and panic in the room. Instruments fell on the floor, the doctor yelling and cursing.

I awoke to almost as much chaos. Several nurses working on me, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw the man I love looking teary eyed into a little bundle of baby blankets. He noticed me wake up and showed me this beautiful creature, informing me we had a daughter. I did not, for one second believe him. I actually made him unwrap her and show me. Instantly I had visions of pink, bows and headbands and more pink. Lacey, girly dresses and pink, lots of pink.

Things started to get fuzzy again, more panic in the room. My blood pressure was dropping and they could not stop the bleeding. I remember feeling like I was in that place, somewhere between consciousness and not. The pain I was in as they were pressing and squeezing on my non-anesthetized abdomen was beyond description. It was as though I was watching it all happen, feeling it, yet not feeling it. I remember looking to Brian and the baby. He was praying and looked concerned. The nurses, the chaos, yet I was in a place of peace. Almost waiting it out, I had no fear, only peace.

Next I knew, things had settled down, I was fully conscious and there was calm in the room again. We marveled at this tiny creature, so perfect and pink. I’m not sure what we were spared of that day, but I am forever grateful for God’s mercy and grace on us that day. I am in awe that He chose me to be Victoria’s mama.

Twenty years ago my life was forever changed. I am so proud of the woman she has become. She is a stinker, for sure, kind of like her mama, but she carries herself with such grace. She is strong, yet submissive. Beautiful and all girly, yet willing to work hard and get her hands dirty. Of course, she even pulls of the sweaty, dirty, messy look with grace and dignity. THAT she did not get from me. She has a tender heart towards the Lord and His word. She loves her daddy’s protection. She is incredibly capable and talented. I look forward to watching her grow more into the woman God created her to be. Happy birthday my sweet firstborn daughter. I love you so very much!
P.S. the precious thing gives ME flowers on her birthday! ‪#‎soblessed‬

2016 Word of the Year

As usual, I wrestle with my ‘word’ each year. A girl wants to be sure, you know. Thankfully, my Father shows no signs of being weary with me.

I feel such a strong leading that ‘much will be required’ this year. Much to be done, changed, accomplished, fought for, hoped for and believed for. Part of me loves this. I love purpose and goals.
But honestly, part of me shrinks back because I know me. I know about how long ‘I’ can last. I know my weaknesses. I know some of the things required of me are far beyond ‘me’, actually, most of the things are far beyond me!

For the past several weeks, as I have reflected and prayed about this upcoming year, any ‘concern’ or question I had about it was met with the thought, ‘just believe’.

But God, this thing you seem to be leading us too, seems impossible. I hear, believe.

But my kids, or those who are hard to love, or the struggles . . . believe.

Um, we’ve been ‘here’ before and nothing seems to change . . . believe.

The physical and personal goals I almost dare to dream about . . . believe.

It seemed everywhere I turned, every question I had, every doubt that rose up was met with BELIEVE. Just believe.

What do I believe about this situation or that?

What do I believe about my God? What do I believe His Word says?

When the enemy comes roaring, what am I going to believe?
When symptoms or circumstances are beyond my control, what am I going to believe?

The scripture I felt led to was Mark 5:36. Jesus answered, Do not be afraid, only believe.

DO NOT BE AFRAID, ONLY BELIEVE!
Only BELIEVE
Believe!

Along with this word ‘Believe’ is coming a strong sense that ‘much’ will be required this year. And a deep, deep conviction that unless I live with INTENTION, PURPOSE AND FOCUS, either I’ll burn out or do A LOT of things, but none of them well.

Believe also plays into this, because it is going to take God to bring it to fruition. So, I believe He is leading. I believe He will provide. I desperately need Him to give wisdom, guidance and strength. I know I have NONE of this of my own accord, but IN HIM, I am complete and have all I need. What am I going to believe this year? That is the question I ask.

 

 

So, officially, my ‘word’ is BELIEVE! With a side of INTENTION, PURPOSE AND FOCUS.

Anniversary Letter to Brian 2015

Anniversary letter to Brian.
My dearest husband,
I have been thinking about us and where we are in life right now. I marvel at what we have been through and dream of where we may be going.
If we were currently going through some of those deep, dark times, I know what I would write. I would write of God’s faithfulness and your steadiness. Of how you have loved me through it all. Of how you held me amidst the storms, wiped tear after tear. Of how you would envelop me with your strength, even though you were breaking too. Of how you never, ever allowed me to lose hope. Of how rose up and handled it all when I was but in a puddle, weak, sick and terrified.
If we were on Sanibel Island or giving birth to one of our blessings, or held up for six weeks post- partum, soaking in the wonder and beauty of new life together, I’d surely know what to write. I would write of the incredible joy of sharing life’s most amazing ‘ups’ with your soul mate, the one God planned on purpose for you to share these things with. Of how deep joy is only multiplied when shared. Of that look in your eyes, that look of profound love and contentment. I’d struggle to find words to describe how utterly amazing oneness is, not only in the storm, but high up on the mountain tops.
So, I struggle. We are neither on Sanibel Island nor in the middle of a hurricane. Life always has its storms, but that’s not what I mean. I think, of a string of sunny days one doesn’t really notice the sun so much. Or deep into spring, does the green all around really strike you like it does in late March? Or, the beauty of the snow come February. In late November, it is haltingly beautiful and causes a deep hush in one’s heart.
I’m just struck by the simple beauty of a weathered love living day by day. I’m amazed, it feels strikingly magnificent. Marvelous and exquisite, just as it is. I am in awe of what a gift it is to ‘do’ life with you. The ONE person on this earth that truly, profoundly and wholly loves me, for me. Praising God for you, for us, for the storms, for the mountains, for the everyday sunshine. Happy Anniversary, my love.

Nothing Is Too Hard For Him

“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there anything too difficult for Me?”

 

Struck by this verse this morning. What have you tucked away as too difficult for the Lord to change? Or wonder if He ever will answer those prayers?

 

Or, maybe, you feel it is 'your fault' anyway, your poor choices, it's understandable that He would not change things. After all, you deserve what you are getting.

 

Ladies, He is our MERCIFUL and POWERFUL God and Father!! I dare you to do a search on the mercy of God sometime. You will be overwhelmed with how merciful He is. Nothing, nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing and no one is beyond His reach. His arm is not too short to change your situation. He is merciful and compassionate!

 

I'm praying for some mighty big things, how about you? I know it might be uncomfortable to share what you are praying for, but let's at least pray together that God would move mountains, heal marriages, save children, heal broken hearts, deliver mightily and quickly. You don't have to name your prayer request, just comment, 'I'm in' and I'll take that as a sign you are praying and believing for big and 'impossible' things, and we will join together in prayer today!!

 

Sweet Little Gift

I interrupt this 'not supposed to be on the computer in the morning' to bring to you something so very dear and precious. Today is our first day of school this year and this is what I find on my quiet time table this morning. I know, overwhelmed, that's what I am. Overwhelmed.

 

He is so faithful and His grace covers!

AWAKE!!

I don't think I can even begin to put into words what these past two weeks have been like. The Lord has and continues to do a deep work. I had NO idea how badly I needed this time and the things He has done in my heart. I knew something wasn't 'right', but the depth, I did not know. I don't want it to end. I don't want to lose sight of all He has been showing me. I keep it close and keep going over it, not wanting to let it out of my sight. You see, I know me. I have had times like this, but then life goes on and much of it falls by the wayside. I am praying and believing this not be the case. I want to get up from this spot a permanently changed woman! I am trusting He will complete that which He started. I've also put boundaries and safeguards up where needed.

 

I was reading this scripture today and it SO speaks to where I am and have been. I've been complacent, distracted, lethargic, 'busy' with much, but accomplishing little. Asleep, that's what I've been feel this was a serious wake up call and I do not want to be lulled asleep again! The way I spend my time, my days, my prayer life, my devotional life, all of it, I am living on purpose now. LIVING on purpose. Read this 'warning'. It's no joke, ladies. Our marriages, our children's lives, our own hearts, relationships, this world around us, we have a huge part to play and the enemy wants us 'sleeping' on the job. WAKE UP!!!

 

Awake, sleeper, and arise from the dead, And Christ will shine upon you and give you light.

Therefore see that you WALK CAREFULLY [living life with honor, PURPOSE, and COURAGE]

not as the unwise, but as wise [SENSIBLE, INTELLIGENT, DISCERNING PEOPLE]

MAKING THE VERY MOST OF YOUR TIME [on earth, recognizing and taking advantage of each opportunity and using it with wisdom and diligence], because the days are FILLED WITH EVIL.

Therefore do not be foolish and thoughtless, but understand and firmly grasp what the will of the Lord is. (my emphasis added, sorry)

 

I just don't know how to read that and not be convicted to my very core! Time is precious and short and fleeting.

 

Am I being who I was created to be?

 

Am I making the most of my time?

 

How much time do I waste on frivolous things while my children's souls are in danger?

 

Or my marriage and husband?

 

Or lonely people needing the love of God?

 

Am I the woman of prayer I desire to be?

 

Is my heart on fire for God and His Word?

 

Am I seeking first the kingdom of God or the kingdom of Michelle?

 

When given a free moment or I am lonely, or afraid or sad, do I turn to God or a way of 'escape'?

 

There's no guilt and shame being slung here, just some real honest questions I have been asked these past few weeks. When the Holy Spirit comes in with His scalpel, it hurts, for sure, but there is no guilt or shame, just a humbling and softening of the heart and a desire to repent and change. True conviction and repentance is a beautiful and loving thing. I have been LOVED by my Father these past few weeks, trust me.

SOBERING THOUGHTS

 

Think of some nagging issues in your husband or marriage. You know, the ones that have been there for years and never seem to change. You have prayed before, maybe you still do. Or maybe you have sort of given up. It just never seems to change. He never seems to change. You've possibly lost hope, even though you hesitate to admit that.

 

Maybe it is your children, or a particular child. Perhaps finances, a relationship. Something longstanding that you have all but given up in your heart the hope of ever seeing it change.

 

I'll ask you what I questioned to myself. Do I believe in the power of prayer, or not? Really? Do I? Maybe I really don't. Do I believe God can come in and radically change the situation? Do I even believe He would?

 

If I am not fervently, unceasingly, consistently crying out to God for my husband and marriage, who is? Am I so foolish to think the enemy pays no attention to a husband or marriage not covered in prayer? Foolish enough to think things will just change on their own?

 

I am not trying to heap guilt or place a burden on our shoulders that was not meant to be there. I know there is much more to this than just our prayers. Our husband's spiritual well being and our marriages do not depend entirely upon us and how much we pray. BUT, we do have a role to play here.

 

Our husband's carry a great mantle and responsibility before God as the head of our families. Until recently, it hadn't hit me as to just how great it is. And who is specifically and strategically praying for him? Not a, 'thank you for Brian, bless the work of his hands, yawn, help him to be a good daddy . . . yawn, amen.'

 

No, fervent, effectual, interceding, heaven storming prayers on his behalf. Praying scripture over his life. Crying out to God for very specific areas of his life.

 

So, I ask again. If I am not doing this, who is?? Do I really believe in the power of prayer? In the power of God to radically heal and deliver? Enough to stop giving it 'lip-service'? Enough to change my lifestyle and choices so I can pray effectively? Am I living a life of integrity, by living according to my beliefs and convictions? I told you, SOBERING.

 

Tomorrow starts a new month. And while I am feeling a bit undone and overwhelmed with what God is doing in me. Pruning is never painless, you know. Of all the things He is calling me to or changing, I have got to make this a priority. It's got to start with our husband's and marriages, doesn't it? And lest you think this is just for struggling marriages or jerky husbands, it is not! Our marriage is great and my husband is not a jerk.  I am just deeply convicted that I have NOT been praying for that man in the way I should be. And just because our marriage is great, does NOT mean the enemy is not waiting right around the corner waiting to pounce.

 

I am thinking of issuing a little (huge??) challenge to you married ladies. Praying everyday for the next month for your husband strategically, fervently and passionately. What do you think? I won't make you report in. I will not necessarily be posting daily about it, but all of us joining hands, so to speak and encouraging one another to pray for our man!! I can post the list of topics in the Power of a Praying Wife book. Also, I know if you search for a list of things to pray for your husband, you will come up with lots of options if you need a springboard. Or, take some time today and make your own list of things you'd like to pray for. Or, just pick a scripture prayer from Ephesians or Colossians and pray it for him for the next month. Don't complicate it.

 

One more thing. If you are angry and bitter towards your husband, and honestly, he just might be that 'jerk' I mentioned. I ask you to take your heart to God, repent, forgive as Christ forgave you, even though he doesn't deserve it. If nothing else, you will be free. And honestly, I believe our merciful God even honors prayers through gritted teeth. And maybe you could spend the month on your own heart, praying for your heart to be softened even though years of neglect or abuse have hardened it. I don't know, just a suggestion. (my heart aches for you, dear one, in this situation, I know there are many)

Share your thoughts, please.

What I Truly Long For

Here is what I scribbled down on a piece of scrap paper, in no particular order. It took me all of one minute to have this list fall out of me. I had forgotten what my beliefs and desires were.

BE A WOMAN OF PRAYER: yes, I pray and have prayed, but I do not take the time to be the woman of prayer I really desire to be.

PRAY FOR MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN: again, of course I pray for them, but as fervently and unceasingly as I desire?? I think not. I let ‘life’ (and I think you know what I mean by ‘life’) use me, drain me and I give myself to so many urgent things, while the very important things get pushed the side.

KEEPING AND RUNNING MY HOME WELL! This one hit me square in the eyes, as HELLO, my original blog is actually called, She Looketh Well, to what? The ways of her household. Are we doing fine, absolutely, BUT, am I managing and running this home as I once desired and long to do. It is crazy, but one of the things that feeds my soul is scouring out the kitchen sink. I love doing things like this, but am so BUSY. Yes, I scoured the kitchen sink the other day and cleaned out and organized two cabinets. Felt good, felt like I was living who I am.

MODELING GODLY WOMANHOOD TO MY DAUGHTERS, and sons, for that matter: is a mama who is always distracted, always busy, always chasing knowledge, always saying, just a minute, what I want to model. When God showed me this, I was convicted over and over again of all the areas I am NOT modeling what I want to these kids. I am not saying I don’t do lots of really good things, but He is gently showing me the areas that seriously need to be kicked up a notch.

MEDITATE ON THE WORD ‘DAY AND NIGHT’: how I used to study His word like a crazy woman! Yes, I still read His word, yes, I still see and hear Him leading, but I have lost my first ‘true love’ for Him and His word. For several years now it has been dry and forced. He is always and forever ‘there’, but my heart is so full of distractions, the things of this word, the flame is barely a flicker. This is not who I am, but who I have allowed myself to become.

KEEP A CALM AND UNDISTURBED MIND: I was convicted of this YEARS ago. A calm and undisturbed mind is life and health to the flesh. I have allowed the calm and undisturbed to be drained from me. No longer do I sit quietly, not chasing, not doing, not multitasking, not learning something new. No longer do I read books. Creativity is a struggle because I have given so much of my energy and peace away to the things of this world. I used to love to read books. Love to just puts, organizing something, making something in my home pretty, lighting a candle and feeling the breeze. Nope, on a treadmill to nowhere and someone keeps turning the speed up.

I loved this quote.”I have accomplished much, but lived little.” So true of my life these past few years.

BE PRESENT AND ‘AVAILABLE’: I don’t need to say much about this, but I can assure you, I am NOT, NOT, NOT present most of the time. My mind is always on half a dozen things, or checking my phone, or skimming articles as if there were some deadline. I do NOT want my kids to grow up with a picture of their mama, head down on the phone or computer all the time. Oh, I excuse it away, multi-tasking, nobody does it better than me! Or being ‘productive’, not wasting time, making the most of the time. UGH, sure, I was doing all those, but for the WRONG purpose!! I was making the most of my time so I could learn more, do more, be more . . . all except to be more PRESENT for my husband, children.

TRAIN MY CHILDREN ON PURPOSE, not by happenstance or on the defensive. Again, not like I don’t deal with situations and my kids are awesome, sinners, but awesome. But I have lost sight of the great calling to train and disciple them. I deal with things as the come, most of the time, though, shamefully, I let way more go than I probably should. Not in the name of grace, but because it is easier and so much ‘less fun’ than what I am doing in the moment. I don’t purpose to train them like I used to.

There you have it, a bold confession. Letting you peer right into my sinful heart. The really cool thing, as the Lord shows me this, I don’t feel the least bit of condemnation. I know I am a good mama and wife and homemaker, I just think He is taking me up a level, cleaning up much of my sloppiness and neglect. He doesn’t do this because He is mad at me and, man-O-mister, am I such a failure. Nope, He knows who He created me to be, what brings me greatest joy and fulfillment, and He is gently leading me back to who I am. I am so thankful!! So humbled by His mercy. But I do know this will not be easy and will cost a lot. But I am ready. I am sick of the old way. I want out. I want free. I want to live, truly LIVE!! I want to be the true me. I want to live a life of integrity, meaning living a life according to my beliefs and convictions. And girls, there are something that seriously need to go!!

Lord willing, more later. What are your goals and convictions? Are you living them? You don't have to share here if you don't want to, just giving you something to think about. Thanks for 'listening' it was good to get it out.

Tough Questions

Ladies!!! I can hardly contain all the Lord is showing me during this “sabbatical”, if you will. (don’t know what else to call it)

There is no way to share all of it, but I so wish I could. Sweet, sweet conviction each day, actually many times a day. He is showing me things, answering the longings of my heart for a few years now and more! It is not easy and will NOT be easy to make the changes He is calling me too, but, I know He is faithful to complete what He has started, so I take my restless, crazy, get-r-done mind and calm it with this truth. I am the type of person to write it all down and fear I will forget it, not do it, or whatever. Mostly, because that is what has happened in the past. ‘Life’ gets in the way, I lament. But I cannot go around this mountain again. These thoughts and verses hit home.

‘As a dog returns to his vomit . . . ‘

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results’

“If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

Sheesh, these alone are enough to make me stand up and take notice. Is there any areas in your life where you are just so sick of? Areas that NEVER seem to change? Relationships? Your marriage?

Areas where you have prayed and prayed and nothing seems to change? Or, maybe, you haven’t even prayed anymore, because, ‘why bother, nothing changes anyway’.

Maybe it’s time to do something different! Maybe you can’t change the situations, but you change you or how you handle it or how you are living.

A few questions the Lord has asked me.

What are my goals, priorities, dreams for my life and family?

What is hindering these from happening?

Does the way I am living really match my beliefs and convictions?

Like an arrow to my heart! He began to show me area after area where I am NOT living up to my beliefs and convictions. I cried out to Him and asked Him what WERE my beliefs and convictions? I couldn’t even think of what they were for a few days. That’s how much distraction and ‘life’ has taken over. I was trying to figure out who I am, but all along I was forgetting who I am. I know that might not make sense, but it does to me. Deep down, I know who I am, but I was not living it! That is not a life of integrity.

Finally, yesterday, in a flood of thoughts, I began to write down what my ‘beliefs, convictions, and desires’ were. I had almost forgotten!! I’ll share next time.

I challenge you to ask yourself the above questions. Be prepared and forewarned.

What Am I Filled Up With?

A few of the verses I have been reading of late and some tough questions I have asked myself.

Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful, (Psalm 1:1)

Where do I stand in the path of sinners and sit in the seat of scorners? The Lord has revealed a few areas where I have spent my time with 'sinners and scorners' and I have no influence on them, so why do I stay? I have since changed this.

The wise woman builds her house
But the foolish pulls it down with her hands. (Pr. 14:1)

This one stung as He showed me the areas where I was actually tearing down my 'house'. Little areas and behavior that I hadn't even realized the ramifications.

. . . but the prudent man looketh well to his going AND She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

VERY convicting once I thought about it for a nano-second.

. . . My word hath no place in you . . . (John 8:37)

But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

My heart is 'right' with God. I do so love Him and His word. BUT, have I filled my heart and mind up with so much 'stuff' that there is no room, no place for His word in my heart and life? It's not that I don't 'want' to be in His word more, it's just that I am so filled up with other things, there just seems to be no room for Him. They may be very , very good things, but are they if they take the place of Him?

Some of the women I work on nutrition with will tell me, I have no room for the protein I am supposed to eat. I always ask them what they are eating that is taking up the room that protein should rightfully have. We usually find something they are eating instead. Same goes for any healthy food. If you are filled up with junk, or even 'less than optimal' food choices, you will never have room for the good stuff. OR, "I just can't eat in the morning." Really? Try skipping dinner a few nights, I bet you begin to wake up hungry.  I hope you see my analogy. When we are so filled up with other things there is no room for Him. I am reevaluating many 'things' in my life at the moment.
Just some random verses that are speaking to me at the moment.

Return to Him

Do you feel a 'distance' between you and your Father? Feeling a bit 'lost'? Things don't quite seem like they used to? Have you been busy, distracted, chasing and running? Feeling a bit 'spent' and long to hear His voice, sense His presence, see His hand? Yeah, me too.

 

I have felt this way off and on for a long, long time. I'm not saying like I have strayed from Him and never see His hand or hear His voice, just sort of a longing for more. The last couple of weeks I feel like I have been quietly crying out to Him here and there, knowing my own heart is so prone to wander. Asking Him to 'allure me to wilderness', to 'speak tenderly' to me. To cause my heart to burn with hunger for His word. To make me want to read His word. To pull my grimy hands off this 'world' and open them up to receive from Him. I wondered if He could just reach down and grab my head and turn it towards Him, as it seemed impossible to do on my own.

 

Can you relate to any of this? Is it just me? I just wanted to encourage you, though He tarry, wait for Him!! Because, ladies, when He 'shows up' (I know He never leaves, it's us how wander, you know what I mean) it's all over but the shouting!!

 

He is infinitely patient and loving and kind and merciful with us. He hears our cries, He really, really hears them!! Trust that He does. Wait for Him.

 

A few verses that I just can't stop meditating on. I read them over and over and they just keep washing over me, washing away so much and filling me with so much. Part of me wants to go and add my 'commentary' so you really, really get it. But I will let the Holy Spirit do that.  I challenge you, if you can relate to what I wrote above, see if this ministers to your heart in any way. Isaiah 30:15-26

 

Much love and prayers for where you are today!! He is faithful, you can rest in Him.

 

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength. But you would not,

16 And you said, No! We will speed [our own course] on horses! Therefore you will speed [in flight from your enemies]! You said, We will ride upon swift steeds [doing our own way]! Therefore will they who pursue you be swift, [so swift that]

17 One thousand of you will flee at the threat of one of them; at the threat of five you will flee till you are left like a beacon or a flagpole on the top of a mountain, and like a signal on a hill.

18 And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!

19 O people who dwell in Zion at Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.

20 And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself any more, but your eyes will constantly behold your Teacher.

21 And your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it, when you turn to the right hand and when you turn to the left.

22 Then you will defile your carved images overlaid with silver and your molten images plated with gold; you will cast them away as a filthy bloodstained cloth, and you will say to them, Be gone!

23 Then will He give you rain for the seed with which you sow the soil, and bread grain from the produce of the ground, and it will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will feed in large pastures.

24 The oxen likewise and the young donkeys that till the ground will eat savory and salted fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and with fork.

25 And upon every high mountain and upon every high hill there will be brooks and streams of water in the day of the great slaughter [the day of the Lord], when the towers fall [and all His enemies are destroyed].

26 Moreover, the light of the moon will be like the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, like the light of seven days [concentrated in one], in the day that the Lord binds up the hurt of His people, and heals their wound [inflicted by Him because of their sins].

Hello Forty-nine!

HELLO EVERYONE!!!! I MISS YOU!!! I hope you enjoy this.
Well, Hello Forty-nine!
Dear, dear Forty-nine. It is so very nice to meet you. I really had no idea you would be here so soon. And if I am being honest, I thought you would feel much older. Years ago I thought of 49 as ‘so old’. You think those things in your 20s and 30s. Can I let you in on one more secret? When I was younger, I was a little bit afraid of you. Even though we are meeting for the very first time today, it feels as if know you.
What you mean to me, ‘Forty-nine’
Becoming ‘Forty-nine’ has been one of the hardest things I have done. You see, it took 48 years to get here, no small feat! You see and experience a lot if 48 years.
There were turbulent and terrifying years during most of the first half of those years. So much confusion and pain. Being lost and alone. Chasing after anything to fill the empty void. Those first two decades left me scarred, broken and honestly, seemingly ruined for life.
Things started to look up. I met and married this amazing man who loved me like no other. We began our life together. I thought to myself, what could possibly be better than this? All my ‘dreams’ have come true. Yes, definitely all ‘pie in the sky’ youth.
But something even more wonderful happened to me. I met Jesus! Oh, might seem small to some or cliché, but let me assure you IT IS NOT! To be known and loved by Him. To know Him! Nothing can compare. He came and washed my heart clean. He healed and continues to heal my broken heart, to mend all the wounds and scars. I am almost positive I would have never met you, Forty-nine, if not for Him. That life, once in a heap, destined for ‘ruined’ status for all of eternity has been redeemed! It is now destined to spend eternity with the King of kings!
Oh, and Forty-nine, you know it didn’t end there, don’t you. While Jesus has walked by my side, there has been so much joy and good, more than anyone deserves, I am sure of it. I have experienced great and deep love and intimacy with this man of mine. Together we have experienced the birth and raising of nine eternal, gifted and amazing children! I know, right, NINE! So you see why I feel so blessed and humbled that I get to meet you. It is a gift, all of it!! And don’t you ever question why I need a nap, just re-read the above paragraph and give a woman a break.
Forty-nine, while there was great and indescribable joy, there has been pain and heartache. You know, though, don’t you? While we are so honored to have nine here, our hearts ached and grieved over the six we have in heaven. The ‘years from hell’, that’s what I call them, those ten years of darkness. When things were turned upside down, we faced devastation and fear. We experienced things it would seem no mortal should. I’m thinking of changing the name, by the way, from ‘years from hell’ to the ‘years He was there’ (YAHWEH-SHAMMAH- The Lord is there) Because He was, you know, He was there, through it all with us.
Oh, Forty-nine, so much in such a short amount of time! There was a time when I was so sick. Sick and in bed, unable to be the wife and mama God created me to be. Talk about terrifying and hopeless. Then, came glorious healing and deliverance. The story is long and beautiful, perhaps another time.
And now, these last few years, becoming even more ‘me’, the ‘me’ He created from the beginning of time. Always imperfect, but growing more and more into His image. These years of learning more and more the value and importance of this time we have here. Learning it’s okay to have fun, to laugh, to be silly. Learning ‘ain’t nobody got time’ for that kind of negativity, those people who the enemy of our soul uses to seek to destroy you with their drama. Learning and discerning his lying voice and walking away from his lies. Learning to LIVE, to really live! Learning that ‘every little thing is going to be alright’.
You see Forty-nine, we, just now are really starting to live! I wouldn’t change a thing. I would not, for a million dollars go back to being ‘young’. Nope, I love you, Forty-nine! You are SO awesome and we are going to get along just fine. I am looking forward to meeting Fifty, though, but only after you and I have given it our ‘all’ together. Only after we love a bunch more people, share what we have learned, cry, laugh and chase those things the Lord has prepared for us.
Welcome, Forty-nine, SO VERY GLAD to meet you!!

I Get to Choose!

So, here's the deal. I get to choose. When the enemy comes in like a flood, with thoughts, frustration, anger, 'just-want-to-choke' that person, (sorry, did I just type that??) I really do get to choose. Yes, the feelings and emotions are strong, the hurt runs deep.

Last night, when I was feeling myself start to go down that road, the thought popped into my mind, "you are above this, you don't need to wrestle down 'here' in the flesh, this is not where you live, this is not your position." I was quickly able to agree and fall sweetly asleep, release the desire to retaliate, make my point, chew the same old cud, over and over.

I wake up this morning, you guessed it, same thoughts, feelings and emotions come flooding back. I remember one of my ALL time favorite verses. (it means so much to me on so many levels)

A calm and undisturbed mind and heart are the life and health of the body, but envy, jealousy, and wrath are like rottenness of the bones. (Pr. 14:30)

Do I want life and health? Immediately following that thought,

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. (Pr. 4:23)

So, Michelle, keep and guard your heart, above all that you guard, guard YOUR HEART. I get to choose what my heart meditates on, I must choose wisely!

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Col. 3:1-3)

I (we) are seated with Christ, far above this earthly and fleshly mess we see around us. I must choose. I must guard my heart and thoughts. Getting caught up the 'junk' down here is the worst use of my time and energy. I have things to do, people to love (especially this one in particular, though it almost pains me to say it and I have to stop my eyes from rolling back in my head as I type, but it is true!)

I am here for HIM, for His glory, to further HIS kingdom. It's not about me and my little feelings being hurt, it is about HIM. For I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Gal. 2:20)

Shake it off, ladies!! Don't wrestle around in the much down here, rise above it!! His grace is sufficient!! It is just a temptation from the enemy to waste precious time, destroy your health and ruin your day! No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. (1 Cor. 10:13)

Does the Darkness Surround You?

Reading through Lamentations three, I am reminding of a very long and dark period in my life. So long. About 10 years. And oh, so dark. I remember, vividly reading through Lamentations three at many points during that time. One in particular, I can almost see where I was, what I was wearing and most definitely can feel what I was feeling.

I knew in my heart that God was not ‘causing’ this darkness, these horrendous situations. I knew it was the enemy, circumstances, my sinful choices, other’s sinful choices. I knew God does not ‘cause’ bad in our live. Perhaps He allows, but never causes. Definitely uses the darkness to ultimately bring glory to Him.

I remember weeping as I read. I could literally feel every emotion and description the writer of Lamentations described. The darkness was palpable, I couldn’t escape it. I felt the heavy chains, the hedged in feeling, unable to get free. I knew what the Word said about Him hearing my prayers, but it was as if I could scream at the top of my lungs and it wouldn’t be heard. The attacks from the enemy, the shame, the fear. I wondered if there would EVER be anything different than this hell we were living.

I can relate to verse 18, my strength and my hope is perished. Quite literally, my strength had perished. I am not talking just emotional and spiritual strength, that was long gone. No, physically, all strength was gone. It culminated with a complete collapse. Bedridden, no strength to push through the darkness anymore. I was strong and had pushed long and hard, but physically, it was gone. I had no more. Even walking to the bathroom seemed insurmountable. All hope of ever seeing the light again had vanished, or so it seemed.

The bitterness I felt toward God began to grow. I know, as a good little Christian girl we are not be angry with God or bitter towards Him. And honestly, I didn’t even know that I was at the time. I should have seen it, the thoughts the enemy planted and I grabbed hold of. ‘Why did you let this happen’? ‘I trusted You with this womb! Is this how you reward me?’ ‘How could you let this happen to our family?’ ‘Where are you?!” ‘If you really loved me, You would answer.’ These are not the half of it, I assure you. Oh, I pushed them down, these thoughts, these accusations. I pretended they weren’t there, I hid them instead of repenting of them. I am not saying that God is not big enough to take our fears and doubts and the little girl tantrums, the beating of our fists on His chest as we can’t take the devastation any longer. No, He can. He knows we are but dust and He scoops us up. I’m talking about a root of bitterness that you may not even know is growing deep in the heart. I didn’t know until much later that it was there.

But deep, deep inside me, there was a tiny, miniscule flicker of disbelief. I just could not believe that this was it. I could not believe that God was not going to, somehow, rescue me out of this. I couldn’t figure out how, I had exhausted any ideas I had. I had given Him so much time, yet still nothing.

But God! He did deliver. He did heal. He did answer prayers. He does hear. He never leaves us. He never forsakes. I don’t care what it feels like or what it seems like, HE NEVER LEAVES US. In that darkness, we have no clue what He is doing. In that darkness, we are all but sure He has left us alone. In that darkness, fear and doubt and accusation and bitterness seek to worm their way in. Be on the lookout for them. Take them captive, those lying thoughts. Be like the writer of Lamentations, ‘But this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.’

You know the truth! It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness! Your ‘night’ might feel so long and unending, but morning really does come and His mercies really are new every morning.

I’m not sure what you are going through, what kind of darkness surrounds you this day, this year, this decade, but let me be the one calling from the other side of the darkness. I’m reaching my hand out to you and shouting, ‘hang on, sister, His mercies are new every morning. Morning will come. I promise, but don’t take my word for it, take His! The Lord is your portion, hope in Him’

His Incredible Faithfulness

Exactly 14 years ago, I gave birth to this precious gift. Sarah Grace was actually the fulfillment to a promise God had given me one year earlier.

You see, February of 2000 was the second February in a row that I had lost a baby at 17 weeks. Both losses were traumatic, but the second one, even more so. How can this happen twice, in a row, exactly the same amount of weeks, the same time of year? To say that my faith in God was challenged during that loss would be a gross understatement. I'll save the details for another time, but during that trying time, while I was carrying my dead baby, still in my womb, God healed my heart. I will never forget the morning, it was Valentine's Day, Brian had made me a fire in the morning. He pushed a chair in front of the hearth, made my tea and set me before the Lord. In part, I think, because he didn't know what to do for me anymore, the grief and heartache was hard for him to see in me, especially because there was nothing he could do to make it better. Besides, he was working through his own grief.

That morning, my Father met me in a way He had never done so in the past. Scripture after scripture ministered to my heart. I wept with deep sobs. His Word washed over me again and again. By the time I was finished with my quiet time, the pain was gone. My heart was healed. Later that morning I sat down at the computer to type all that I had read and experienced that morning. While doing so, I felt in my heart, the Lord say, 'you will have another child'. I was terrified to believe it. Surely it was just my mind playing tricks on me or the enemy tormenting me, I said, 'really, God, is that You or just me?' I heard it again in my heart, 'you will have another child.' I tucked that away, deep in my heart.

As I mentioned, I was still carrying the body of my baby, who was in heaven. This is a very difficult thing to do. I still looked pregnant, people still thought I was pregnant and commented. Finally, eight days later, it was time to go deliver this baby. We had waited, hoping it would happen naturally, but my doctor was concerned and didn't want to wait any longer.

I will share the incredible beauty of that experience at another time, but on February 22, 2000, I delivered a perfectly formed, and oh so teeny little boy, we name Ephraim, meaning fruitful, God will make you fruitful.

Fast forward to February of 2001, I was pregnant and due on Valentine's day. That day came and went. I, of course thought that would be the coolest day to have my baby, the day God promised me I would have another child. I began to get anxious and frustrated, as pregnant women can past their due date. Finally, on February 22nd, I delivered our sweet Sarah Grace (God has promised Sarah that she would have a child) I had totally forgotten when we delivered Ephraim. Weeks after Sarah Grace's birth, I stumbled on some hospital papers and the date February 22 popped off the page. I realized that even though I was impatient for our Sarah Grace to be born, God had her birth date planned long ago. One year, from the day I delivered Ephraim, our Sarah Grace was born.

Our God is so incredibly faithful and true. His Word and love is a healing balm for our broken hearts. Today I rejoice in the gift of my Sarah Grace. She is funny and VERY tender hearted. God has gifted her with the ability to memorize vast amounts of scripture. She is beautiful and graceful and feminine. She is incredibly gifted on the piano and has taught herself how to paint with water color. She leaves encouraging notes, tells me how proud she is of me and how much I inspire her. Really, sweet Sarah Grace??? You have no idea how much YOU inspire me. I love you, my sweet.

 

Dear Husband . . .

I almost always share my heart with women, that is my ministry. But today, I have the men on my heart. Not to chastise them, not to tell them what to do, but to encourage them, from a woman’s perspective. Ladies, if you feel safe in doing so, feel free to share this with your husband.

Dear Husband,

You may not know me, but your wife does. I have asked her to bring this to you to read, please don’t feel ganged up on. I thought it might help you to see something from an outside perspective. No one is accusing you or telling you ‘you are doing it wrong’. I want to encourage you, in the meekest of ways, what YOUR love does for your wife. To encourage you to love her with the love of Christ. You probably already know it is your ‘duty’ your ‘calling’, your scriptural mandate, but here is a picture of what you love can do. Happy Valentine’s Day, Husband. I know your role is the most difficult role, we appreciate you!!!

When a man loves a woman . . . maybe you know the how the song goes. It’s one that is on our playlist of romantic songs. You know, for special date nights where we dance in the candlelight. I am continually in awe of how much this man loves this woman. I can assure you, he is far from perfect, and he would tell you too. But he loves me. He lays down his life for me. He listens to me. He encourages me. He picks me up when I am down. He supports my crazy ideas. He tells me ‘no’ when he should be telling me no. He believes I am beautiful and tells me so. He loves to spend time with me. He loves ‘us’. He cherishes me. He pampers me. He loves me in my imperfectness. He sees in me what I do not see.

What happens ‘when a man loves a woman’? I’d like to rewrite that song. If I had a musical bone in my body I would. But here’s what I know.

When a man loves a woman, her confidence grows.

When a man loves a woman, she begins to love herself.

When a man loves a woman she sees a little glimpse of how much her Jesus loves her.

When a man loves a woman, she feels safe and secure.

When a man loves a woman, she blossoms into who she was created to be.

When a man loves a woman, she sees beauty in herself.

When a man loves a woman, her heart heals more and more each day.

When a man loves a woman, no matter what comes her way, she can handle it because he loves her.

When a man loves a woman, he might not know it, but he is loving her whole.

What a beautiful opportunity you men have. To be the hands and heart of your Savior to your wife. May God bless you and equip you. May YOU know the healing love of Jesus in your heart as well. We thank you and commend you for all you do!!

Sincerely yours,

A LOVED wife

When You Want To Run Away

Do you ever feel like you just want to run away? Like, if you could just get away from this circumstance, or that one, all would be fine? Yeah, me too.{sigh} But here is what I quickly realized. No matter where I could run, "I" would still be there. I have this a lot. I feel like God is saying, oh, you could run away, but sweet Michelle, YOU will still be there. The struggles you are dealing with are not so much outside circumstances, but are heart issues.

I'm reminded, once again . . .

that His grace is always sufficient
that He is ALWAYS with me
that He loves me with an ever-lasting love
that I am safe under the shadow of His wings
that He ALWAYS leads me in triumph
that NOTHING can separate me from His love
that He hears my cry
that He answers the cry of my heart
that He is my help and my shield
that the Lord is on my side
that He is my refuge and strength
that the Lord of hosts is with me

I am reminded that discouragement, despair, hopelessness, fear, doubt, feeling 'ugly' inside, self hatred, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, anxiety, joylessness, lost-ness, unrest, turmoil, discord, agitation, rejection, obsession, drivenness, pushed, unhappy, unloved, feeling unimportant, irrelevant, worthless, bound, broken-hearted, heavy-hearted . . .

NONE of these are apparel fit for or heart conditions or mind-controlling thoughts for a Daughter of God. They are ALL from the father of lies. Every-single-one of them are from the enemy. We get to choose, walk in them today, or not. They only have the power over us that we let them. This is a hard one for me to swallow, 'yeah, but' rises up in my heart, but I know it is true, WE CAN CHOOSE.

Father, helps us to discern YOUR voice today and that of the enemy. Thank you that You lead us in victory, that You paid for our freedom, that You love us, have chosen us, have made us holy and blameless in YOUR sight. Helps us to see that our 'feelings' are just that, feelings. We can take them captive just like we can take our thoughts captive. I pray, Father, that You would be the lifter of our heads and hearts today, and that You would open our eyes to the true beauty You surround us with. Strengthen us, O Lord, to walk in Truth today. In Jesus name!

He is Your Anchor

 

Not sure what you might be going through today, but NOTHING can separate you from the love of Christ! Those voices in your head, the ones spewing lies of despair and hopelessness, yeah, those. Read this out loud, right now, and watch them flee. I'm not kidding, right now, OUR LOUD, so all of hell can hear the Words of Truth!

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.

Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

What If . . . ?

 

What if it is already done?

What if you really just love me?

What if I don’t need to flounder and question my path or journey?

What if I knew you were, all along, leading me by the hand out of my Egypt?

What if I knew that You don’t see me the way that I do?

What if I knew that you are merciful to my unrighteousness and that those sins I see and struggle with, well, what if I knew You don’t remember them?

What if I knew that your love was already written into my mind and heart?

That I don’t need to wrestle and try so hard to know it, but that it is already there.

What if I knew when discouragement and confusion sweeps over me that it’s not You and that I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s just a scheme of the enemy?

What if I knew I don’t actually need to listen to it, be affected by it or panic. And wonder what I need to change. What if I just rested under the shadow of your wings? Safe and secure.

What if I knew it was lie and not some default in me? That I am Chosen, Hand -Picked by You. That I am Holy, and Blameless before you. And that above all I am Dearly Loved.

What if I knew I could just step out from under his lies and not be swallowed up by them?

What if I just go about my day and not have to try so hard to do better, but know right here, right now, I am loved and safe and all is well. I can smile. I can just breathe. And be okay.

You Are Chosen

In the last post, Jesus Knew, Do You, we talked about how Jesus knew who He was and how He was able to face what was before Him because of it.

Therefore, as those who have been chosen by God, holy and dearly loved . . . Colossians 3:12

Knowing who we are how very loved we are is what enables us to live in freedom from the lies of the enemy. It heals us from the dreaded syndrome I call, the ‘Do More, Be Better, Try Harder Syndrome’.

The above text says that we are Chosen, Holy an Dearly Loved.

Let’s delve into, “chosen” today. Do you really comprehend what that means? That means God picked you. He didn’t get stuck with you, He picked you.

I picture myself at the roller rink on Friday night. The dreaded ‘boys choice’ skate was called. I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough and found myself standing against the wall with all the other girls. The trauma of watching the boys skate by, passing me. Around again. Maybe picking the girl next to me, but passing me by. Over and over again, I was not picked. Rejection stings, doesn’t it? Maybe you have been passed over or ‘not picked’ in your lifetime and you can still feel the pain. Doesn’t being ‘not picked’ make you feel unworthy? Unlovable, in some way? Like there is something wrong with you?

Guess what. God’s word assures us that He picked us! We are chosen by Him. Does it matter if the pimple-faced geeky boy on skates picked me when the God of the universe, the lover and creator of all things beautiful picked me??? No, not when you really let that truth go deep. I’d be rejected a thousand times to be picked by Him just once!

I used what seems like a trite example of ‘not being picked’, but you know as well as I do that rejection and circumstances that would cause one to feel unworthy and unloved comes in many sizes and colors. They can be seemingly silly things to deep, traumatic and abusive situations. We often put on our ‘brave’ face and say, well, that wasn’t ‘that’ big of a deal, or stuff it down. But in reality, the wound is still there and the enemy of our souls only makes it go deeper, until we are so trained to think we are unworthy, unlovable, awkward, definitely one to be ‘not picked’ because we ‘know’, really know, deep down just how awful we are.

Do you recognize the lies? Pause for a moment and see if the Holy Spirit would bring to your mind some of the lies you have believed that keep you bound and wounded.  Anything, whatsoever, that comes to your mind that does not line up with scripture is a lie!  Take those thoughts out for a moment and examine them. Do they fit with the following? I have placed my own emphasis on these verses, can’t help myself. I encourage you to meditate on these. Turn them into your own words, what I like to call ‘My Beliefs’

“just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will” Ephesians 1:4-5

"No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day John 6:44

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. Ephesian 2:10

But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; 1 Peter 2:9

"You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. John 15:16

"All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. John 6:37

"For you are a holy people to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth Deuteronomy 7:6

"For you are a holy people to the LORD your God, and the LORD has chosen you to be a people for His own possession out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 14:2

But we should always give thanks to God for you, brethren beloved by the Lord, because God has chosen you from the beginning for salvation through sanctification by the Spirit and faith in the truth – 2 Thessalonians 2:13

An example of ‘My Beliefs’ might be,

Thank You, Father, that from the very beginning YOU have chosen me for salvation. You love me and chose me. Picked me. I am ‘pickable’

If you have any hope of being free from the lies and really living in the freedom Christ paid for, you are going to need to put some effort in it. Meditate on the truth. Take the lies captive.  It’s worth it, I promise!

Next time, Holy.