When a Word Becomes Sacred

I can hardly stay inside my skin this time of year and it has nothing to do with Christmas. For some reason, the end of the year is so sacred to me. I become very nostalgic and begin looking back on the past year.

Some time after Thanksgiving, when things slow down and the snow begins to fall, my heart turns toward remembering all the Lord has done in the last year.

This year is no different, my heart swells with gratitude. I find myself very emotional during the last weeks of the year too. Sometimes tears of sadness, some tears of great joy, often times, both.

My most favorite part, though, is seeking Him for direction for the coming year, and for my ‘word’ for the year! It’s a fun game we play. I tune my ears to hear His voice. I take ‘words’ off the shelf and look at them, asking, is this it? What about this one? It really is a sweet time I have with Him.

Do you pick a word for the year? What I love most about it,is the simplicity of it all. No big resolutions I will forget by February. No trying to figure out what I should be doing for the new year. Nope, just a simple word or phrase to think about and meditate on for the coming year. 

Last year my word was “Be Still and Know”. Turned out to be an appropriate word, as it always does. One year it was perspective.  What is on your heart this year? I encourage you to consider seeking the Lord for a ‘word’ to define and shape your coming year. Doesn’t have to be fancy and you don’t stress over it. He hears your cry and He will make it abundantly clear. Sometimes, for me, it doesn’t come until New Year’s Day, when I am having my New Year’s Quiet time! He is never late.

I have an inkling of what mine might be, but won’t know for sure until I officially christen the new year with my sacred word.  I would love to hear if you have this tradition too?

A Fairytale Come True

I can’t believe I forgot to post this!  Not all fairytales are make believe, some actually come true . . .

Twenty six years ago, I married my Knight in shining armor. An Anniversary Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, there was a little princess growing up in a big kingdom. She was fair and pretty and her smile glowed with joy. Although she was loved very much, circumstances changed in the kingdom and she began to doubt she was loved. By the time she was a beautiful and fair princess, she no longer believed in herself. Feelings and thoughts of unworthiness overwhelmed her.

One day, she decided to leave the kingdom and find this love she was missing. She looked in many places and many arms to find it. As the years went on, her eyes began to lose their once sparkle for life. Her smile was only pretend now. Still beautiful, but empty.

This fair princess was a young woman now, alone and scared. She was sure she would never be loved, for how could she be? She had been rejected by many. The copious amount of mistakes had left her full of shame. When she was just a wee little princess she would dream of her knight in shining armor. He was strong and handsome. In her dreams, he had the most kind eyes. She would get lost looking into them. He would love her. But now, those dreams seemed so far away. Her once ‘full of life’ heart was shattered and broken into many pieces. She carried on, giving the appearance of being brave, but she was frightened and broken. All hope seemed lost.

One day, while walking through the forest, head hanging low with shame and many tears flowing from her face, she heard something off in the distance. Too caught up in her own little world, she pressed on. Suddenly the sound of horse hoofs were right upon her. Startled, she turned to see a beautiful white horse carrying a knight in full, shining armor. She wiped the tears from her eyes and wondered who was under that helmet. Confused, she thought, why would he stop to talk to her, she no longer looked like the princess she once was.

This knight dismounted his beautiful horse. Her heart was beating quite fast. Slowly the knight removed his helmet. A very handsome and fair man was underneath. His eyes so kind. Were these the eyes she saw in her dreams all those years ago? His smile soft and somewhat modest. What could he want with her? Surely he was looking for anyone, anything other than her. She inquired as to how she could help him. He said he was there for her, he had been looking for her for his whole life. Bewildered, she turned in haste. How could this be? He doesn’t know me and where I have been.

She hadn’t gotten far before she felt a strong hand grasp her arm. She turned to see those kind eyes again. Something about those eyes, she hasn’t seen that kind of love in a long time. He slowly, while never taking his eyes off of her, dropped to one knee and said, ‘you see, my fair princess, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I was created to be your husband. I long to cherish you and protect you. I desire to live the rest of my life with you by my side. Please don’t run from me, for I love you with my whole heart and we shall be husband and wife.’ And as he was bowed before her, he kissed her hand.

And they lived happily ever after . . .

I am forever thankful to the KING of the kingdom for sending me my Knight in shining armor! Happy Anniversary, my darling!!

Random Thoughts From My Heart

Often times I hesitate to write, so many ‘topics’ going through my head. I decided to just write, to let my heart pour out. Oh how I miss writing . . . I was a bit reflective on verge of my 48th birthday.

As I sit on my beautiful porch, sun warm on my face, gentle breeze blowing the white curtains the men couldn’t understand the need for, I’m filled with gratitude for where I am in life!

It is so easy to forget how blessed I am. I mean, let’s be real here, life is hard filled with heartache, pain, be it physical or emotional, is often a constant companion. How easy to get caught up in the swirl of it all. Sometimes we can stuff it down, forget for a moment or rise above it, but often the temptation is too strong.

Maintaining joy and gratitude, is like paddling upstream in a river! Sometimes that river is raging. So easy to get caught up in the current. Often times I am dragged so far down stream before I come to my senses. The water has slowed, I catch my breath, rub the water from my eyes. I am able to see the beauty again, the gifts, Your love, it is always there, I simply lose sight of it!

We have dreamt of living and working together day in and day out. Has it been easy? Were there and are there some bumps and bruises? Oh yeah! Who knew when your dreams come true it is hard? I didn’t. I had this picture, I think of butterflies and rainbows every day. Of everyone getting along swimmingly. Working hard, playing hard, laughing hard. I didn’t know there would be just some plain old ‘hard’.

Three years into this beautiful journey I think we are adjusted, found our rhythm, mostly. I am realizing more and more what a gift this is. Being a family. Living simply, chasing dreams, pursuing passions, running a business, loving Jesus and loving people. The privilege of being living epistles in this world, while recognizing our sufficiency is of God and God alone. And so amazed that he can use us in any way astounds me daily.

I see massive piles of wood, enough to last three winters, I’m told. It’s just wood, right? It’s so much more. Its provision that for years we prayed for, now in abundance. It’s lessons only learned between father and sons and hard work, it’s duty and sweat and providing for your family, its doing the ‘not so fun’ for others, getting little in return. Little that can be seen now, that is.

I see old barn wood and old galvanized roofing. Silly how the ‘old’ brings such delight. Ladders and doors from half a century before I was born. Picked and gathered, the thrill of the hunt with the man who completes me, loves me, lays down his life for me. We laugh and drink coffee- I prattle on- he listens, really listens. That’s love.

Blue skies and sunshine: how it fills my soul with light and joy!

So yeah, I’m filled to overflowing with Your goodness and love. You truly are a giver of good and perfect gifts.

“Epiphany Moment”

You know those moments, when time stops and you realize something that you have longed for, prayed for or hoped for has come to be. I mean something deep inside that you can hardly describe? Sort of an ‘epiphany moment’.

I had that yesterday. For a very long time I have said, ‘I just want to feel as good everyday as I do on caffeine.’ I am referring to the energy, mental clarity and overall sense of well-being. This has been illusive, this feeling, for so many years. Don’t get me wrong, there is much grace in my life to do what I am called to do, but I am referring to the daily battle of fatigue, hormone imbalance and brain fog. Give me a good cup of strong coffee and watch out! Ain’t nobody gonna keep up with me! I’m happy, I dance, I buzz about my day and go for hours. I have always compared this to what true health and well-being would feel like.

I don’t drink coffee anymore. In recent years I only ‘used’ it when needed, kind of like taking an aspirin when needed. It’s been several months since even taking ‘as needed’.

Well, just yesterday, when I was describing how I have been feeling to my Doctor, I found myself saying, ‘I feel as good everyday as I used to feel on caffeine.’ It didn’t hit me until minutes later, back in the van. I just about burst into tears. How long have I cried out for healing, for strength, to just feel ‘great’? How many pages of my journal were filled with the longings of my heart? How many tears cried over the never-ending fatigue?

I feel like this is just the beginning. I have hope for the first time in years that it is going to get better. That I can be strong. I can have energy. I can live my life the way God designed me to live it, with strength and energy and joy!

The journey has been SO long and so multi-faceted. Many, many things have gone into getting me to where I am today. Truly a spirit, soul and body journey. Recently, significant changes in my way of eating and moving have made a huge impact. I have been pursuing ‘healthy eating’ for over fifteen years. I look back and see this amazing journey and all I have learned, the bumps and bruises, the mistakes and the major lifestyle changes that have brought me to where I am today.

For the first time in my adult life, or as far back as I can remember, I feel amazing! I wake up with energy and joy. I can work and play for hours and hours. I am not a slave to needing to eat because blood sugar is dropping. I have a constant, steady flow of energy. I have days where I take it easy and do simple everyday things and then I have days that I can work for 12 hours straight, on my feet, barely stopping to eat.

The point of all of this is, I simply love those ‘epiphany moments’ when you have that beautiful, heart-bursting moment when you see answers to long standing prayers! It might seem small in comparison to some things, but when it is your heart that gets flooded with this revelation, it is BIG!

I {heart} Couch to 5K

I told you how I sort of fell into running. I was hooked from my very first step. I needed a plan. After extensive research, yes, I am freaky like that, I stumbled upon a Couch to 5K schedule. It was exactly what I needed.

When I started, the 60 second run seemed so doable. I was excited. Come on, 60 seconds, who can’t do that?? Um, me! Brian went with me and manned the stopwatch, as he was pretty much walking. Part way through I thought, surely I was dying or he was lying to me and we had gone for five minutes. ‘How much longer I would pant.’ Forty more seconds. WHAT!? Are you kidding me. My legs hurt, my lungs were burning and I was gasping. I did it though. And so, we repeated this scenario for two more days that week. By the third day I was running the 60 second segments with ease. It was amazing.

The next week, 90 second runs. With my new found confidence, I was sure this would be a piece of cake! Um, no, not so much. Sixty-five seconds into my 90 second run I, again, though I was dying! But by the end of the week, I mastered that 90 seconds. This was exactly the pattern for the next several weeks.

I began to learn something about myself. For the most part, it was far more of a mind game than a physical challenge. My body could do significantly more than I thought it could. I would have to talk to myself the whole time. Encouraging and even exhorting along the way. My family was so supportive. Elijah, my six year old came down (to the treadmill) each morning, sleep still in his eyes, in his underwear, to watch mama run. He would snuggle into my sweatshirt that I threw off this premenopausal body about two minutes into the warm up section. I would get thumbs up from him, “you can do it mama”, and high fives!

Our treadmill is old and extremely loud, so I had my headphones pretty loud, and apparently, I would sing very loudly so everyone upstairs could hear it. I had no idea, but they would snicker up there when they heard me trying to sing and breathe at the same time.

By week five, things got serious! By the end of the week I was to do twenty minutes straight! Running, straight, for twenty minutes, did you catch that? I was nervous and excited all in the same moment. I was confident by now, I had seen my body do some things I never thought it could do. I knew if I just believed in myself and could keep my head from convincing me I couldn’t, I just might do it. I got on that day, put a sticky note over the timer so I couldn’t  watch it, and just started running. I did it! Twenty minutes of non-stop running! You can believe that I was crying, not only from pain, but from sheer joy! I even went a few more minutes just for emphasis! The high I felt was incredible. Such a sense of accomplishment.

The next four weeks of the program were a little bumpy. I had shoe problems, and consequently foot pain, all to familiar from years past. But I persevered, I dug deep some mornings, and even ran through tears. My mind was saying, ‘quit, you can’t do this, who do you think you are? But, something would rise up and I would fight back! I found a strength I never knew I had. Running was teaching me so much more than just how to put one foot in front of the other.

(my new ‘official’ running shoes)

I will never forget the morning I ran my first 3.1 miles. I was prepared to take a photo of the treadmill dashboard when I got there. I had seen other girls do this and post on a group I was on, so I was excited. We prayed and I got on the treadmill, again, covering up the time/miles with a sticky note that said, ‘just keep running’. I would sprint for a minute or so, just to get there faster. It was not pretty, me, running for that long, but I was doing it and as I got closer, I was choking back the emotions. I yelled for everyone to come down so they could see me ‘cross the finish line’. Almost there! Two-tenths of a mile to go. I kicked the speed up to get done faster. I did it!! 3.1 miles! I hopped off, gasping for air, trying to gather enough strength to take a photo. My ever so supportive, encouraging and sensible man, concerned I might get hurt, as the treadmill was still going, pulled the cord. He loves me so and doesn’t want me hurt. But guess what? By pulling the cord, the treadmill shuts off! The screen went dark. No proof, no photo op, all gone. I screamed, no, almost in slow motion. He was completely baffled and I was crying hysterically by now, trying to explain to him that I had wanted a photo. He felt awful, I mean AWFUL. Talk about mind over matter. I had to pull myself together and not make him feel worse. It was hard, I still could cry over it just remembering. Silly, I know.

It doesn’t matter, I did it! I completed the whole program and actually ran a whole 5K! I am not sure I can express to you, the significance of this to me and what a huge accomplishment it was, considering the state of my body in the beginning. So amazing! I could not be more proud of myself, even all the tears, the struggles, the discouragement, all of it! I did it!

 

You don’t have to want to run, but whatever it is for you, YOU CAN DO IT! Maybe it is starting a walking program, or getting back to working out. You are worth it! Take the time, dream and get out there and do it! I am probably close the least likely person to ever want to run, never mind be able to run. Nothing is impossible with God. Let Him take you all the way to your dreams!

Merry Heart Challenge!

There is a verse that has been almost chasing me for months now. I have decided to do a little challenge. At first, I thought, 100 days, but then I chickened out and didn’t want to set myself up for failure, so I am starting with 15 days. ANYBODY can do ANYTHING for 15 days, right? I hope it grows, but this is a very doable place to start.

The verse? Proverbs 15:15. I am starting on the 15th for 15 days, care to join me? I love this verse in the Amplified.

“All the days of the desponding and afflicted are made evil [by anxious thoughts and forebodings], but he who has a glad (merry) heart has a continual feast [regardless of circumstances].”

“All the days of the afflicted are evil,
But he who is of a merry heart has a continual feast.”

For the next 15 days I am going to be looking for things that make my heart merry! I may take a photo of it, jot it down or just ponder it in my heart. Adjusting the lenses on my perspective to really see the true beauty I have in my life. 

It really is true, when our hearts are merry, glad and light, we have a continual feast, regardless of the circumstances. I don’t know that choosing a merry heart will change my circumstances, but it will change me, and how I see and handle the circumstances.

I also love the first part of this verse in the Amplified. Anxious thoughts and foreboding, can you just feel it?? Such heaviness! Ugh, my shoulders already feel weighed down at the thought of it. How much ‘lighter’ we feel when we have a merry heart! A side note to this challenge will be NO anxious and foreboding thoughts allowed! I will repent immediately, Lord helping, when my default Modus operandi rears its ugly head.

Care to join me? How hard is 15 days? You can do it. Let me know if you want to join in. You can do it for 15 days, 30 days or go for gold and do it for 100 days! I am going to also be posting this on my Facebook, where I will likely be posting photos that make my heart merry. Feel free to join me there too. Just comment on my post that you are doing it and I will pop over and see what is making your heart merry.

Becoming A Runner {Fitness Friday}

Literally, 17 years ago the desire to run was birthed in me. I had turned 30, and I wanted to run a marathon. I now see that was an incredibly loft goal. But the desire was there. I was never a runner. I hated the Physical Fitness test in grade school, do you remember those? I could do the standing long jump, but the 50 yard dash, ugh, I thought I would die!

The only time I really remember running, was when I was five, I was being chased by a Dalmatian at my friends house. He caught me and bit me right in the, well, you know. I’m sure I ran around as a kid, but I couldn’t run very far or very fast.

Fast forward, several children, pregnancies and weight changes. Off and on, over the years the desire was still there, but even walking for extended periods of time was challenging with foot pain and back pain. My family and I would joke about me being a runner, long before I EVER ran a step. I would see an iPod and say I needed one, because I was a runner, you know. We would laugh. Or, I bought a hoodie that had these strange holes at the bottom of the sleeve. At first, I thought I should take it back, until I realized they were for my thumbs, because I was a runner.  See, the signs were there all along. The last couple of years, there was such an this urge to take off out the door and run. It was so strange. Sometimes, I would open the door and run down the driveway, just to do it. Crazy.

This past winter, after an extremely frustrating day, I couldn’t contain it anymore, the anger, the stress. I grabbed my son and said, ‘let’s go run’. Um, okay? It was dark, snowy and cold. Oh, and mom has never run before. Sounds like a plan. We started walking and talking and I said, ‘let’s run’ and I took off like a shot. Well, not really like a shot, sort of a slow shuffle. He started running too, but quickly switched to a fast walk when he realized my “running” was equal to a brisk walk for him. We laughed so hard. It was a moment I will always treasure. I was running! It felt so good . . . for about 20 seconds. We repeated this scenario several times and I made it further down our road than I ever have on foot.

Something hooked me that night. The beauty of the falling snow. The dark and quiet of the night. The release of stress, exhausting muscles and lungs. I felt like I was dying and coming alive all in the same moment!

Next time, Training For A 5K (at 47, and overweight, and out of shape, and unable to run for more than 20 seconds, yeah, it was pretty!)

What Do You Do . . .

This could be about someone in your life, while it is very specific to my own struggles, I bet you can relate in some way.

What do you do when someone lies to you for years and doesn’t seem to care and never truly repents?

What do you do when your heart has been broken so many times, you really don’t trust anymore? While you know it is not right, you can’t help but be cynical.

What do you do when the anger wells up deep in your gut, it feels like a lead balloon that makes its way up to your throat. You try to hold it back, you shake your head, pleading for mercy, hoping you can just stuff it down one more time.

What do you do when the tears won’t stop? It’s the middle of the night, alone in your bed. You are sitting up, hugging knees to chest, rocking back and forth and with deep sobs. You can hardly breathe, head feels like it might explode. You beg and plead for God to intercede. Does He hear a mama’s heart? Really?

What do you do when the pain in your heart is physical? It’s an ache so deep you just want to rip it out and make it go away.

What do you do when your husband’s heart is breaking as much as yours and all you can do is weep in each other’s arms until there is nothing left?

What do you do when your children come to you, confused with their own pain and anger too? When you have to hold them and try to make sense of the whole thing.

What do you do when you see no repentance, no fruit? The carefree posts on Facebook or lighthearted conversations that take place, all the while you want to scream, “WHY AREN’T YOU DOING SOMETHING ABOUT . . . “

What do you do when you gently encourage and try to help and speak up to no avail?

What do you do when you keep quiet and let them sort it out and see nothing change?

What do you do when you pray and pray and pray and nothing seems to change? You realize this has been going on for years, same story, same song and dance, same pain. Oh, life goes on, you get distracted, even wonder if things have changed. Nope, something always snaps you back to reality. Nothing has changed.

What do you do when you wonder, is this a pain I will carry to my grave? Will I watch this perpetuate for generations?

What do you do when you want to accuse and blame God? I know this is not the answer, but the temptation is great, isn’t it? You want to ask WHY? Why aren’t you doing anything? I fail sometimes.

What do you do? Honestly, I’m not sure I know anymore. Completely powerless. Completely and utterly powerless to change the situation.

What do you do? I don’t know, except to continue to surrender, to cry out, to pray, to believe when nothing in me believes. Help thou my unbelief, Lord. To hope in His faithfulness. To trust in the goodness of the Lord when I ‘see’ no goodness in the situation.

I will say to God my Rock,
“Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
 As with a breaking of my bones,
My enemies reproach me,
While they say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

Psalm 42:9-11

How This Mama Started (Fitness Friday)

I want to start a series, Lord willing, on my journey to fitness. Not exactly sure what it will look like, but I will randomly share snippets from this really exciting journey I am on. My hope is that my story can inspire the every day mama. The mama who comes from a long line of health issues, has lots of children, has even been very sick. I love seeing strong YOUNG women who workout and are a size 0, but that is just not my reality. I am not saying these women haven’t had their own struggles, I just hope to bring a dose of reality and my spin on getting fit.

First, some background. I am a 47 year old mama to nine children here on earth and have 6 babies in heaven. That means I have been pregnant and breastfeeding A LOT. I have led a pretty sedentary life. Even though I am a busy mama, still, by most definitions I have been sedentary. Over the years I have had spurts of exercising, but never consistently.

I have had lots of problems with my back, SI joint and feet. These issues as well as, well, being a mama to NINE have certainly not helped in getting fit. I won’t go into all of it, but there is so much more that has really inhibited the half-hearted fitness goals I may or may not have had over the years.  I am not using these as an excuse, just letting you know the factors. I know women who have more on their plates than I do and still make time for fitness. It’s simply where I personally have been.

Something has recently ‘clicked’ in regards to exercise and a desire to be fit. Several months ago I began to exercise in earnest. It literally has become a lifestyle and I am so thankful for the grace to do it. Learning all I have about health and fitness, I just felt so compelled to get at it while I could. I read somewhere that we lose 1% of muscle from the age of 25 if we do nothing to keep it. That was frightening to me. I know the benefits of muscle mass and if I was losing 1% of muscle mass for the last 20 plus years, I knew this was not good. My goal quickly became to build muscle mass.

I am so pleased with how far I have come in five short months! I began doing HIIT (high intensity interval training) and short Tabata routines.  All free videos on YouTube. My favorites are from Fitsugar Fitness (be careful of the bikini workout, don’t say I didn’t warn you!)  and Fitness Blender. You can search for them. I always did a 10 minute workout or two. Anyone can do 10 minutes, I would tell myself. Often, after the 10 minutes I wanted to do more. If not, 10 minutes was more than sitting in a chair. In a few short weeks I began to really notice a difference and sense of well being. When I reached to pick something up, there was such strength. Squatting, bending, lifting all felt strong and natural to me. Aches in my back began to go away.

I believe that exercise should be very functional, meaning doing exercises that you would do in your every day life. Like squats, balance work and lots of core strength workouts. Full body workouts.

When I started, I could not do ONE military type push up. Not one! I could do about 20 on my knees, but I have always wanted to do ‘real’ push ups. Within a few months I was able to transition from ‘girl push ups’ to more than 20 military push ups at one time. This was so exciting to me, to actually SEE the improvement! I could out plank each of the nine other people in my house.  Also, I can do more proper form squats than anyone here, over 100 straight. I am talking about perfect form, measured squats!

I have a very, very long way to go. Reality hit recently when I realized that while I have gotten so strong, I am still likely at a beginner level. That goes to show you how far to the negative I was. I am perfectly okay with this, I have learned to LOVE the challenge and the ensuing DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) of which I have some hilarious stories about. Apparently, when you first start a new routine you might not want to do the whole thing.  I can’t blame myself, it was only 10 minutes, how hard can it be, I would think. Um, let’s say a couple of times I literally could not walk the next day. I am talking, crying with each step, crying when I had to squat to go to the bathroom, crying each time I got up, crying just sitting there. Yes, perhaps a bit much for this mama.

My next goal is to begin a serious heavy weight lifting/training program. I hope to be able to do it all at home, I want my testimony to be that ANY mama can get fit and you don’t need a gym! Who has time or money for that, right?

I also started running! More on that next time.  Yes, this out of shape, never run a day in her life (except when being chased by a dog at age 5) is now a runner!! Woo Hoo! this one really excites me. I can’t wait to tell you about this one!!

Do you workout consistently? What do you love to do? Have you accessed your level of fitness?

Enjoying the Journey

I have been recognizing a battle with discouragement in my life lately. I seem to be so fragile in the things I hope for or am believing that it doesn’t take much to go from super excited to the depths of despair in a nano-second.

I didn’t recognize it at first, and am still having a hard time really grasping it. My sweet (patient) husband tries to help me see it, but when I am in it, I can be as blind as a bat!

The enemy comes with lies that are true, at least in part.  Does that make sense? Blatant lies are much easier to detect, but when there is an element of truth to them, I get all confused.  I see the ‘truth’ part and get confused and start to despair. I don’t often see the ‘lie’ part, you know, the part that has ‘always’ and ‘never’ in it.

An example, ‘I hurt my hip, I will never be able to run that 5k’.  Okay, I DID hurt my hip, but who says I can’t run that 5K? AND, if I can’t run ‘that’ 5K, who says I can’t run another? I get all spun out before I even think it through.

I am such a ‘destination’ person that I am often miss the journey, or at least fight my way through it. I’m the worst traveler, I just want to be ‘there’, so impatient in the journey. Life is a journey, not a destination! Everything about life is a journey. I am learning to keep my eyes off the destination so much and learn to enjoy the journey. The journey is full of bumps and hills, both up and down, and so much beauty and joy.

Think about it, so many areas in life our about the journey. Motherhood, marriage, physical fitness, healthy, overcoming difficult situations.  Rarely do we arrive at the ‘destination’ without having to at least do some traveling. I feel like I am ‘in training’ in many areas of my life right now, and this is one of them. Enjoying the journey.

Think of the peace and joy that I miss out on, I stumble all over the journey just trying so hard to get to the destination! I trip, fall face first, have to get up, try again, rinse and repeat! Instead of just walking through, enjoying each step, thanking God for the ups and downs, walking in peace. Sigh. That sounds so much better, and better for my health too!

That’s where I’m at today. How about you? Is this something you struggle with? Or do you LOVE the journey, every little step of it?

This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! Purposing to enjoy the journey!

A Journey Into Grace

When your whole world revolves around ‘doing it right, regular devotions, bible reading, dealing with sin, trying hard, following the law, judging actions, being good, guilt, pursuing holiness, striving’, Grace has a way of coming in and shattering all you held dear.

When your mindset shifts from works to grace, from ‘if I do this, then I am loved’ to ‘I’m loved no matter what’, it might leave you floundering a bit. Like a fish out of water. Gasping for air. Looking a bit awkward. Wondering if it is okay. If YOU are okay. Surely it can’t be this simply. Something, anything, just give me something to do.

There were times along this journey I thought perhaps I should seek counsel. This Grace felt so right in my spirit, but my mind could not grasp it. I couldn’t bring myself to seeking that counsel, though, it sounded so crazy in my head. I mean, really, I don’t have to read my bible? I don’t have to try to stop sinning? If I get off my own back, who is going to make sure I don’t sin so much? Won’t I be deceived, even lost?

Always, always, countering these thoughts were, ‘you have the Holy Spirit.’ ‘You are loved, it’s not YOU but Christ in you.’ ‘You already are good enough, holy, redeemed.’

Sometimes I would walk in this freedom and love. Sometimes I would get very panicky, what if I am wrong—I should read my bible, I should pray regularly, I should have the exact same ooey-gooey quiet times I have always had. When I did try, it felt so dry, so empty. I didn’t know where to turn.

At the same time, though, I had never more clearly seen the Lord’s hand in my life. I had never felt more secure and grounded, while at the same time feeling lost and alone. The dichotomy was making me crazy. I had never seen such fruit in my life. I was in constant awe of how He would use me to encourage or minister to someone. How could this be when I wasn’t doing everything right? How can I feel so dry yet pour forth fresh and living waters?

This turmoil had gone on for a very long time. Well over a year, I really can’t remember when it started. Nobody really knew, except my poor husband, who was privy to so many late night rants over my confusion. Thankfully he knew all was well, but often times didn’t even trust his take on it. He could be deceived too!

I simply could not wrap my legalistic little mind around grace. I still struggle a little bit, but not nearly as much. I still have a hard time putting words to it, this journey deep into grace. I do seem to be on the ‘other side’ of something, though. Stronger in this place of grace. Sometimes my desire to please my Father trips me up. I love Him so much and want to please Him. I panic a bit and think I should be doing more! But the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, the revealer of all Truth, comes in with a whisper, ‘your Father is already pleased because of what Jesus did. There is nothing you ‘should’ do. He did it all. You are free. You are loved. He is pleased.

Two Things You Must Know

What would be the ramifications in your life, your heart and your mind if you actually believed that, one, you have peace with God, and two, and you have access, by faith, into His grace?

Let’s think about these for a moment. Peace with God! If you KNOW Jesus, this peace, is yours. He’s not angry. He’s not holding your past against you. He’s not disappointed or waiting for you to get it right. NO! You have peace with Him, rest, untroubled and undisturbed peace right now. What if, you, with all the messiness of you, that YOU perceive, believe you actually were at peace with Him?

Also, what would it be like if you believed that you had access, by faith, into His grace and that you now stand in that grace?? Do you know what this means???

You have access and stand in His acceptance, favor, kindness, the absolute freeness of His loving-kindness. He doesn’t give this because of anything you do or deserve, or don’t do, for that matter. He doesn’t hold some of it back until you get it right. Nope, His only motive is because of the bounty and free-heartedness of who He is.

I imagine we could literally drown in His love for us if we really could grasp how deep and vast it is. Often times I feel just that, overwhelmed and drowning in His love. I can hardly take it in. Little things in life that reveal His love just wash over me, some days I can hardly stand up before the next wave knocks me over.

Yes, there are days I hear old thoughts about how unworthy I am, experience the extreme pain and difficulties of life, and just how unloved I can “feel”. But it is truths like these that pull me right out of the pit and set my feet to dancing!! C'mon, want to dance with me?!

And Then I Blinked . . .

My dearest Victoria,

I can hardly believe that 18 years ago, today, you were brought forth into this world. Apparently I blinked sometime between 1996 and today, because that’s what it feels like.

I had always longed for a daughter, and after three boys, I wondered if I would ever get a girl. I had grown quite used to blue, and Lord knows I LOVE my boys, but still, a longing for all things pink wouldn’t fade.

I remember at the ultrasound when I was 20 weeks pregnant, I couldn’t wait to find out if the baby I was carrying was a boy or my long awaited girl. The tech could not tell! Are you serious?? Everyone gets to find out what they are having, how can you not tell? Well, you were breach and your girly parts were positioned right behind my c-section scar from the three previous babies. Picture a shoulder slump here.

We had a great desire to believe God for a vaginal birth from the beginning of this pregnancy. After three c-sections, this was a bit unusual and our doctor was none to thrilled. We convinced him, though, well, maybe not convinced, more of a dragging along, I think. Our faith was greatly tested during this pregnancy, even more so as it progressed. You see, you were breach, still, even towards the end. Nothing we did, no amount of praying that you would flip, commanding you to flip or even lying on an ironing board on an angle made you flip. It was hard enough to convince the doctor to deliver you ‘naturally’, but deliver a breach baby, um, no, that was pushing it to far.

A week or so before my due date we decided to do an ECV, which basically means they manually turn you while you are still inside of me. While we were waiting at the hospital we had a strange feeling, we weren’t sure if it was fear trying to stop us or a lack of peace. We ended up continuing with the procedure. They gave me a drug to completely relax my uterus and began monitoring and turning. It was the strangest sensation. I felt like the doctor could push his hands all the way through to my spine. Just as he got you flipped, your heart rate dropped dangerously low and I was rushed in for emergency delivery.

I remember, pleading with your dad to PRAY. I was praying in the spirit as they were wheeling me away. Daddy couldn’t come in the operating room because it was an emergency and they would be putting me out. I didn’t realize it then, but how terrifying that must have been for him. Watching me being rushed off, doctors and nurses everywhere, him standing there on the other side of closed doors. I remember my doctor seemed scared and angry. I remember hearing metal pans and utensils crash to the floor. I remember a very calming voice, the anesthesiologist, telling me to count, gently holding my face. I remember counting, and seeing a mask cover my face. That’s it. That is I all I remember until I woke up in a different room.

Similar panic seemed to be going on, nurses everywhere. One of the first things I saw was Daddy, holding a baby all wrapped up in a blanket. He was smiling. He assured me everything was all right, but I was not quite all right yet. I was bleeding heavily, likely due to the medication to relax my uterus, it wouldn’t cramp down. Nurses were pushing and squeezing my stomach, I had no pain medication in me, as the c-section was an emergency, there was no time for an epidural, so I felt everything, including the incision. I could feel this deep, intense pain like nothing I have ever experienced, even to this day. My blood pressure was dropping and I was starting to fade away. Things became strange, I could hear and see what was going on, but I could no longer feel it anymore. It was like I was watching it happen. I knew it was so painful, but I couldn’t feel it.

In a matter of moments everything became clear again. Things started to calm down, I looked over, there was Daddy, still holding you, swaying and smiling. I asked him if you were a girl or boy. He said a girl! I did not believe him. Literally, I did not believe you were a girl. I made him unwrap you and show me. I couldn’t believe it. After all of what we had just been through, it all just melted away as we reveled in the beauty of YOU.

We couldn’t decide on a name. It was either Victoria or Rachel. We asked the nurses. We went back and forth. It wasn’t long though, you were clearly Victoria! Triumphant, victorious. Your birth, a perfect example of the victory we have in Christ and how we are always triumphant in Him. Victoria Lynn it is!

I cannot tell you how our world became a sea of pink. I finally had a daughter and she was going to wear pink! Purple? No. Pink? Bring it on. You had more headbands and barrettes than you did hair. Pink bows, pink sock, pink dresses and pajamas and onesies. Why on earth would I put a white onesie on you, when pink was available? Not everyone understood the logic behind this, but I didn’t care. I was thrilled to be swimming in that sea of pink.

You have always been bright and strong and tender and graceful. Your outward beauty is just a small example of how beautiful you are on the inside. I marvel at woman you have become and what the Lord has planned for you. I delight to be your mama. You have exceeded all I could have ever hoped for in a daughter. You are my friend, my encourager, my example, my sister in Christ and I love you so very much.

It is with great, great humility that I say I am so proud of you. I do not, for one second, take credit for the amazing woman you are. Yes, your Daddy and I have been stewards of this gift of you, but I can assure you, it is ALL by His grace that you are who you are. ALL of your gifts and ALL of your talents and ALL of your ‘smarts’, it is from your Father above! You have no idea how my heart swells and joy fills my heart when I see all He has done in you.

Proverbs 31 is so often brought up regarding women, and while I do believe it is an example of a woman and her accomplishments over a lifetime, it pleases me to see so much of this portion of scripture already in you. Some still in very seed form, some embryonic, some still maturing fruit and some, the most beautiful, ripe fruit I have ever seen in such a young woman. Never look at this scripture as a to-do list or as an excuse to perform. It is an example of the work of God and His grace in a woman’s life. And remember, while each verse is a worthy goal, there is only ONE, one thing, sweet Victoria that really matters,

“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”

One thing, daughter, one thing. Mary, Martha’s sister, she found it.

And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word.  But Martha was distracted with much serving,

David, he mentioned it in Psalm 27

“One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek, inquire for, and [insistently] require: that I may dwell in His presence all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty the sweet attractiveness and the delightful loveliness of the Lord and to meditate, consider, and inquire in His temple.”

I leave you with the above verse, one of my absolute favorites. I pray that above all things you will seek the one thing that really matters. I have no doubt that you will excel in many, many things and will have many accomplishments. But this one thing, Victoria, sit at His feet, seek HIM, inquire and insistently require His presence all the days of your life! Behold and gaze upon HIS beauty, always this one thing.

I am unceasingly thankful to be your mama. Truly, you are a gift, Victoria!

Putting Your Hand to the Plow

Like I mentioned in the last post, this past year has sort of knocked the wind out of me.  I find myself just wanting to retreat and escape.  I find it easier to just sit and veg on the computer rather than engaging in real life.

Home schooling has definitely looked different these past few years as our family business has grown.  I love what the Lord has done and the things He has set me free from in regards to what a ‘true’ education is.  But, I have been struggling these past few years with motivation to keep on keeping on.  We have been home schooling for nearly 20 years!  And, Lord willing, we have a good 12 left!  Did I mention I am just plain old weary??  Can you see the problem here?

I know I just needed a kick in the pants, and I am sure Brian has tried. He is so patient and so encouraging when I get like this, but I just refused to listen.

I was talking to my dear friend, Cindy, lamenting about how I needed to get back to school this coming week and how much I was dreading it.  If my knuckles could drag on the floor, they would be.  I was doing my fair share of whining.  YES, ladies, it’s true!  Even home school mamas get tired, weary and discouraged and just want to quit!

She asked, ‘well, how committed are you to home schooling?’ 

Um, cough, ‘pretty committed’.  The thought of not home schooling sort of jarred me to my senses.  “I would say I am 99.9% (only cause I am whining at the moment) and Brian is 200% committed.”

“Well then,” she continued, “I guess you best commit to this, put your hand to the plow and don’t look back! Pull up your big girl panties and put what Michelle ‘wants’ to the side a bit.”

Huh!  She’s right!  Simple as that.  Quit your bellyaching. Better is an open rebuke than love that is concealed . . .wounds from a friend can be trusted . . . Timely advice is lovely, like golden apples in a silver basket.  Everybody needs a friend like that.  I later told Brian, he was like, ‘wow, how did she get away with that??!”

Peace returns when double-mindedness leaves.  I think the most painful place is that non-committed, wishy-washy, whiney place.  Once we commit and trust the Lord, peace comes.  So, I have put my hand to the plow and will not look back!  Well, if I do, I am sure Cindy will grab hold of my face and turn it back!

The verse I feel the Lord is encouraging me with for this step of faith and obedience,

Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7

2014 WORD

Oh, my, word! I cannot believe how many months is has been since I have been here.  I can tell you that the longing in my heart to write and write is so strong. I am a bit baffled as to why it has been so impossible.  In part, I am afraid, because of my own choices of how I spend my time.  Praying for grace to overcome that one!

Our family business keeps me super busy and most of my ‘writing’ is done on our business Facebook, where I shamelessly combine the pouring out of my heart AND business.  Not sure if that is the wisest way to run a business, but it is who am and how I roll.  You can visit it, if you like.  {re}imagined just for you.

2013 was the wildest, craziest ride I have been on in a long time.  If I am being honest, it has left me weary, worn and feel just a wee bit like running away.  So it was no surprise when I was sensing the Lord speaking my ‘new’ word for 2014.  I have been mulling it over for weeks. I hear it in my spirit all the time.  I was even looking out the window one day in utter despair, put my head in my hand, looked down and on the floor, partially under a table, was a sign with the exact words painted on it.  A sign I had painted that had a flaw and was floating around our house for some strange reason. I smiled and thanked Him, for once again, calming his daughter.

I have begun to see that this little phrase is pretty much all I need for every situation when my mind takes off and is down some fruitless rabbit trail, be it fear, doubt, insecurities or hopelessness.

Simple and common phrase, Be Still and Know, but it speaks VOLUMES to me right now.

When my mind swirls with fears and insecurities, I hear, “Be Still and Know”. Shhhhh, stop the striving and just know that He is right here and in control.

When faced with my own weaknesses, “Be Still and Know” that you are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus!

When I feel so far from God and my mind races, “Be Still and Know” that He will never leave me nor forsake me. KNOW that He is Jehovah-Shammah, the Lord who is there.

When so much ‘bad’ happens and the heaviness crushes any hope of it changing, “Be Still and Know” that He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him.

The phrase, “Be Still” speaks to me of calming, quiet, shhhh, stop, cease. As if to put a finger over one’s mouth, shhh, calm your soul.

The phrase, “And Know” tells me to remember who HE is, who I am in Him and who He is in each and every situation. He is always good and I am always loved.

I don’t know about you, but my mind can take me from 0-60 in a nanosecond. The thoughts just swirl and overwhelm and I feel like my Father is saying to me, Shhhhh, quiet, just be still, and KNOW what the Truth is in this situation. Calm and peace returns.

Do you have a “WORD” for 2014? I’d love to hear it, please share.

Wow, do I miss this space, this place where I can share my heart.  She Looketh Well {dot} blogspot, I sure hope to see more of you this year.

Word of the Year 2014

WORD for 2014:
Usually it seems as though my “WORD” comes to me at the last minute. This year, it has been stirring for weeks.

When my mind swirls with fears and insecurities, I hear, “Be Still and Know”. Shhhhh, stop the striving and just know that He is right here and in control.

When faced with my own weaknesses, “Be Still and Know” that you are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus!

When I feel so far from God and my mind races, “Be Still and Know” that He will never leave me nor forsake me. KNOW that He is Jehovah-Shammah, the Lord who is there.

When so much ‘bad’ happens and the heaviness crushes any hope of it changing, “Be Still and Know” that He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him.

The phrase, “Be Still” speaks to me of calming, quiet, shhhh, stop, cease. As if to put a finger over one’s mouth, shhh, calm your soul.

The phrase, “And Know” tells me to remember who HE is, who I am in Him and who He is in each and every situation. He is always good and I am always loved.

I don’t know about you, but my mind can take me from 0-60 in a nanosecond. The thoughts just swirl and overwhelm and I feel like my Father is saying to me, Shhhhh, quiet, just be still, and KNOW what the Truth is in this situation. Calm and peace returns.

So, in case you are still wondering, my WORD, is actually WORDS, “Be Still and Know” I also love another version, Cease striving and know that I am God.

There is still time, if you want to share your WORD for 2014, feel free to share it.

Happy New Year, friends, so thankful for each of you!!