Sorrowful Yet Rejoicing

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How is this possible?

It seems so contradictory to be so sorrowful, full of sorrow, yet to also be rejoicing.
I am so sad that I won’t get to love on this baby in this world.

I won’t get to see this baby grow like I have nine of my other children.

I’m sad I didn’t even know I was carrying this baby.

I missed being able to be surprised and excited when the test was positive.

The wonder of it all.

The giddy feeling that both Brian and I feel at the prospect of having another baby.

The sheer fun of telling the children; telling others and seeing their shock,

secretly enjoying giving them a jolt and provoking the question ‘how many is this?’

Sad I won’t experience a wonderfully unique birth experience orchestrated by my Father.

Sad because He has put such a strong desire in my heart to have another baby,

and feeling like this one slipped away without even me knowing it.

Sad because when people see our family and do the inevitable head count, they won’t know that there are six more little ones that have a piece of our heart.

Sad because I didn’t hold my belly and whisper words of love.

I am surprised by the joy I feel, amidst this sorrow.

I rejoice that God chose my womb, once again to carry a life. I rejoice, even though I won’t meet this child here on earth, because this baby is in heaven with Jesus already.

I rejoice and sing over this little one just as I did my other children. This baby is no less precious to me than the nine I have held and the five other babies I never got to hold.

I rejoice, because I believe with all my heart that the Father has a special purpose for this baby’s life, no matter how short. I know, for some reason, possibly many, He formed this little one in me for those ten weeks.

I rejoice, because He chose me to be this baby’s mama. I rejoice in His love. I rejoice in His mercy and grace to carry me. I rejoice because He chose this sorrow for me. I rejoice because even sorrow is a treasure, filled with gifts unknown.

I rejoice that Brian and I can share in this sorrow together; it only glorifies and beautifies the oneness we share. I rejoice at the godly seed produced from God having made us ‘one’.

These tears seem to fall so frequently and it is hard to tell their origin. I think if you could somehow dissect each one, you would see that both sorrow and joy are their cause/origin equally. Yes, that is what it is, sorrow AND joy mingled together in each and every tear that falls.

We remember . . .

Baby B, the twin to our third born son.

A sweet baby we lost just after six weeks of knowing about you.

A precious life lost from an ectopic pregnancy.

Jeremiah, the baby I lost at seventeen weeks of pregnancy. We were so shocked and hurt, but we grew so much.

Ephraim, another baby lost at seventeen weeks. This time we were so devastated, but in one morning Jesus healed my heart. We went on to deliver him in a room filled with grace so thick you could feel it, really. The Lord gave us this name because of its meaning, we believe. It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering. (Genesis 41:52) He has indeed made us fruitful in the land of our suffering, we went on to have four more precious children in six years after this.

Beracah, the baby we just lost, whose name means blessing. I asked the Lord to name this baby as He has all our other children. Just the other day, He gave us this name. It was used in 2 Chronicles 20 in the context of the Valley of Beracah (Blessing) This has definitely been a Valley of Blessing in our lives.

Six babies waiting for us in heaven!