My Prayers of Late

12/16/12

Is thank you really enough?  Lord help me to see how faithful You are, always, not just on the good days.  I want to live a faith filled life, giving thanks and praise to You all the day long.  Often though, I feel like one of those collapsible toys. One push of a button and I crumble.

12/21/12

Father, give me eyes to see Your hand and Your goodness all around me, every moment. Open my eyes!  I want to be saturated, consumed, overwhelmed with Your glory and goodness.  I am not asking for ‘more’ gifts, I want to see, really see the gifts already around me.

12/23/12

Thank you for showing me the wonder of YOU!  That is my heart’s cry—to see Your glory.  To see You in everything!  To be so caught up in the wonder of You.  To see You so much and in everything that I just marvel.

12/28/12

Thank you for Your mercy.  Thank You for those sweet moments—hey!  You answered my prayers!  You gave me eyes to see!  Oh, it was so wonderful.  Peel them back—I want to see all of my life through eyes of wonder and gratitude.  Wild, crazy, love and abandon for You and Your goodness and love.

• Can I live in such a way that whatever You have for me—blessed be the name of the Lord?
• Giving thanks in all things!  Oh, Lord, Yes!  Yes! All things. 
• The busy and the slow.
• The crazy good days and the wild, flinging of the serpent's tail, days.
• The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
• Shall I receive the good with thanksgiving and not the bad?   Isn’t it give thanks in ALL things?

A spirit of daily trust and thankful contentment with my lot in life.  Oh, Lord, the peace that floods my soul with these thoughts.  This, this is how I want to live.  This is freedom and carefree abandon to my Father.

12/30/12

Oh, the peace.  With each exhale, the peace goes deeper still.  Oh, the ‘pull’ to stress, to hold tight, and to strive, but the ‘letting go’ seems easier then ever before.

Give thanks . . . Abandon . . . Perspective . . . hmmm.

Reflections of 2012

Standing on the precipice of a new year, I have to chuckle.  Wasn’t I here not too long ago?  I sort of feel like I took a few steps into January 2012, got swallowed up, tossed about, vigorously, and spit out the other side of December!

This past year was such a blur, in one sense.  But in another, the lessons were crystal clear.  It literally felt like non-stop.  I began to wonder if the year was a waste, too busy to have changed or grown.  I looked back over my journal from last year (which had way, way less entries than in years past) and saw so much crying out  to God, struggles and His mighty deliverances over and over again. 

The circumstances of our life may have appeared to be outward focused, the running a home business, or, often times, being run by the business.  Also, Brian working from home, school, every single member of this family being stretched and challenged in all areas because of this business.

As I reflect, I see that yes, there has been so much growth and even fruit!  My word for last year was ‘righteousness’.  The focus being the righteousness I have in him.  Really living, breathing and believing this truth demolishes insecurity, doubts, fears, self-hatred and more.  Living secure in Him even when everything around me seeks to shake that security.

I see the areas that this truth really took root.  I see the areas that I stand a little taller, a little more confident in who He created me to be.  There is a deeper joy and peace than before.  Is there more to be done in these areas?  Definitely.  But for now I  smile, seeing the work He has done in my heart this past year.

I am so excited for this new year.  There are so many new, exciting and incredibly challenging opportunities on the calendar.  I will not fear, my hope and confidence is in Him. I can even see that many of the struggles from this past year have prepared me for the challenges of this coming year.

Like trying on new clothes, I have three ‘words’ I have been ‘trying on’ for the new year.  One seems to fit better than the rest, but I wait on Him to make it clear.  Lord willing, I will share soon.

Have you reflected on this past year?  Have you found Him faithful?  Please share your thoughts, I would love to read them.

That Time of Year

It’s that time of year when most of reflect on the past year.  It has been an amazing year.  So much growth and stretching!

I shake my head and marvel at how blessed we are.  Life is, by far, NOT easy, but my prayer of late has been for my eyes to be opened to His hand in my life.  Not so much asking for more blessings, but for eyes to see the ones already there.

I pray that He bless you and keep you.  That His blessings chase you down this coming year.  That this year be marked by greater healing and wholeness.  That each passing day you (me too!)  look more and more like Jesus!  May our hearts burn with passion and desire for Him and His Word.  May our hearts break for things that break His.  May we know in the very depth of our hearts how much He loves us.

Here is our family newsletter for those who would like a peek inside our little world.

Christmas Newsletter

Mixed Emotions

What a strange place I find myself in, my ‘baby’ turning five today.  I remember the years filled with fear that we’d have so many babies, more than we could handle.  Fear that childbearing would never end.

I was just turning 30 when we knelt down together, fully convinced and convicted that You are sovereign over the womb. That YOU were to be in control of every area of our lives, not us.

I remember thinking, ‘menopause happens around 50 right?  Do you know how many children we could possibly mess up in 20 years?’

I remember it was with blind, shaky faith that we made You Lord over that area.  It gave new meaning to the words ‘fear and trembling’.

Sixteen years later, it has been an incredible journey. Never did I imagine the testing, the stretching, the faith-growing trials that would follow that decision.  Nor could I have imagined NOT having a baby every 15 months or so. All the fears that were so unfounded, what a waste.  All the insane amount of blessings that did result from that decision, I marvel.

Here I am, the last ‘baby’ I have gotten to hold on this side of heaven, so far, turning five! (there are six more in heaven I’ll hold one day) 

When did five become so old? 

I am 46 years old-hormones often off the charts.  I am unsure if I will ever carry another precious gift in my womb, or feel those tiny kicks.  Will I nurture a baby at my breast, in the dark of night when all is quiet?

All those years I almost feared there would be no end.  Is it now I fear this ‘is’ the end?

No, I trust You.  Period.  Over and over You have demonstrated Your faithfulness to us.  I have no doubt You will continue to do so.

But let’s be real, You know my heart.  So, as I put a smile on my face to celebrate my ‘baby’ turning five, there’s a mixture of emotions.  The tears I wipe away are ones of deep gratitude for the privilege of being a mama to him, but also a deeper understanding of the truth that children really and truly are a blessing; a gift from You.  One, I’ll admit, I have taken for granted.  Forgive me.

Happy Birthday, Elijah David!  You bring so much joy!  I love your little boy snuggles each morning.

Seeing Him on His Knees Broke Me

He was on his hands and knees, vacuuming between the cubbies and the fridge in the garage.  He had been helping me for two days straight transforming the garage from a shop into a beautiful ‘boutique’ for all my painted treasures.

We were tired, working from morning till late at night.  There was something in seeing him there, on his knees, giving all he had that broke me.

For the past several weeks I had believed lie after lie from the enemy.  Self-pity, you know, the ‘woe is me, I do ALL the work’ spirit.  And accusation and bitterness, and who knows who else showed up to my pity party.  It was mostly directed at Brian.  Yes, the man who lays down his life daily for us.  I now see the absurdity of it all, but when you are deceived, well, you don’t see straight.

I had accused him of not caring, not doing enough, not helping me.  I was bitter at him for me having to ‘bear the weight’ of all of this business and me having to do it ‘all by myself’.  I was  further frustrated by his incredulity at the filth that was flying out of my mouth.

I mean, how could he not see it!?  I was floundering, and I was sure it was because of him.  One conversation he listed off everything he does to make this family business work.  I have to admit, that was the beginning of my eyes being opened just a bit.  The list was incredibly long.  He really does do a lot.  We had agreed to just let it go.  We knew it was the enemy and that we adored each other.  We repented, forgave and moved on.

But the full breaking of my heart did not come until three days ago when I saw him there on his hands and knees.  I began to weep, standing there behind him.  He gives so much!  He never complains about it, he just does it.  All to please me, no less.

I got down on my knees in front of him, ashamed at how awful the thoughts were that I had towards him.  I just wanted to hide my tear stained face in his shoulder, but I knew I needed to look him in the eyes and tell him how sorry I was.

Through tears now pouring down my face, there on our knees in the garage, I told him just how sorry I was.  How much I appreciated ALL he does.  What does this ‘ogre of a man who never does anything to help’ (LIES) do?  He kisses my tears away assuring me he had forgiven me long ago.

Simple as that.   Back to vacuuming.  All is well.  I just marvel at the example of Christ’s free forgiveness towards a very unworthy sinner expressed through this very human man.