Hello, Ladies!!! I so totally miss writing my heart out here. Not only has it been nearly impossible to find a few moments alone to do so, but I have been in a very dry and dark place.
The last five months have been a blur, and that is no exaggeration. I find myself still writing the date as August instead of December, I think, because that is when the pace really picked up. I literally feel like yesterday was August and now it is almost January.
As the weeks and months have passed I found myself falling deeper and deeper into the ‘darkness’. What I mean by darkness is just feeling of being empty, lost, dry, and the Word felt so dry. Never has my time with the Lord been so dry. Not that I haven’t gone through seasons of ups and downs, but never so long and so ‘empty’ feeling.
Instead of taking my own advice and trusting that “all the way my Savior leads me” and that “it is not how much time you spend in His Word in this busy season, it’s about loving Him and worshipping Him all day” and, “you can trust Him to keep you, your heart is turned towards Him, He is holding you and knows right where you are in this season”, I began to believe the lies.
I heard the still small voice assuring me that I was secure in Him, but the enemy screams loud and old core beliefs began to resurface. I started to listen to the accuser and question my heart and my God. This thinking only plunged me deeper into the darkness.
It was so strange, because I still sensed His presence all day, saw His hand moving in my life and my heart and even watched Him flow through me as I ministered to others. Yet, somehow I still believed, ‘I must be doing something wrong.’ Even when I asked my Father, initially I heard His reassurance, but eventually I believed the lies over the Truth.
Fear came in and really had a blast messing with my mind. Fear of failure, fear of ‘missing God’, fear of being wrong, perfectionism . . . FEAR, FEAR, FEAR!
I found myself to be a mess. I couldn’t think straight. Depression was looming. I became more tired by the day, which, of course, only produced more fear . . . fear of getting sick again. Ugh! That spirit of Fear is nasty!
Finally, it became so clear (the enemy always trips up at some point and plays his cards just a little too soon)that fear was at the root of what I was experiencing. Just enough light shone through the darkness. I fell to my knees and repented of all that I had recognized and am now experiencing the refreshing of the Lord. Reminds me of Acts 3:19.
Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.
I was reading in some old notes I have taken over the years on fear and one sentence really struck me, “your ability to think can be shut down by fear”. Yup, pretty much sums up what happened.
The Lord has been showing me these last few days so much I didn’t know about my own heart. Want a glimpse? It’s sort of messy.
He has shown me that I still don’t ‘believe’ that I am righteous before Him because of what Christ did. That I still somehow think that if I do ‘it’ good enough, then He will be pleased, then I will some how earn this righteousness. Even though I know the ‘proper’ way to respond the question, ‘are you trusting in your righteousness or Christ’s?’, I live and act in such a way that proves what I really believe.
That my fear of being wrong is rooted in my trusting my own doctrines or opinions instead of trusting in Him and finding my safety in HIM!
So much more wonderful, yet ugly, revelations that I am so excited to be dealing with and rid of! I am so very excited to start this new year. Before this latest ‘episode of darkness’ I had a real sense that He is moving in a big way in our lives. I know that even more freedom and deliverance is on its way. I was seeing the start of it before it got really, really dark. I can’t wait to see what He is going to do next.
I hope to write soon about my “word” for the New Year. Last year was “Relentless Pursuit” I’ve got an idea of what the topic is going to be, just can’t seem to sum it up into one word (or two )
Please share what the Lord is doing in your heart right now, I would LOVE to hear it!!
“ Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:18-19)